When Things Fall Apart (A call to coaching)

In her incredible book ‘When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice For Difficult Times’. Pema Ch?dr?n teaches that there is a fundamental opportunity for happiness right within our reach, yet we usually miss it – ironically, while we are caught up in an attempt to escape pain and suffering.

This last sentence perfectly encapsulates how I lived the majority of my life to the age of about 42 when to cut a long story short. The wheels well and truly came off!?

The first 20 years being minor delinquency and rebellion, the latter 20 striving for achievement and material success. Both a reaction to an unconscious fear of inadequacy.?

I had a somewhat romantic notion that if I just removed all the things in my life that I felt were ‘stressing me’ like running a company, making payroll, the hustle and bustle of living in a big city, basically all of the everyday expectations and responsibilities that come from being an adult...Oh and most importantly the holy grail of this fantasy was having a decent pile of money in my bank account. Then with everything combined all of my troubles and inner turmoil would just disappear.?

Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work like that. Not for me anyway. Anybody who’s ever heard the phrase ‘Wherever I go, there I am’ will know exactly what I’m talking about. The painful truth is, it’s true. Whatever neurosis one has will rather annoyingly follow you wherever you go. And the more space we create then these parts of ourselves that we keep at bay through constant busyness, meetings (and more meetings) buying things, holidays, alcohol - all keep us from these things coming to the surface.

At my lowest ebb I read this quote by Eckhart Tolle “You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realising who you are at the deepest level”...

…and it became my guiding mantra in 2023. The year I stripped everything away and was left with just myself.

It is no exaggeration to say I fully broke down and it was the scariest period of my life, one I hope never to repeat.?

I used to think one could go on a nice little retreat and wham you’re all fixed up and ready to head back into the world.?

Sadly no. You get your arse kicked and at times think you can’t drop any lower. However, as sadistic as this might sound, I feel so much better for it. I’ve been through something most people spend a lifetime running away from.?

My challenge to anyone who this resonates with even the tiniest amount is this. Find a coach, find a therapist or just find a friend who won’t collude with you in helping you create the conditions in your life you say ‘you don’t want’.?

Somebody who will listen, contain your conversations, hold boundaries but ultimately challenge you to truly look at your own patterns of behaviour. Somebody who can help point out all of your clever avoidance tactics and insist that you sit your butt down and do ‘the work’.

This isn’t an easy task. One or two conversations won’t cut it. Deep self reflection is a long game and potentially a lifetime's work. It’s going to hurt sometimes, but like a deep tissue massage the pain will dissipate and I promise you it will feel infinitely better on the other side.??

So why am I writing about this on LinkedIn? Because I believe work is one of the major mediums that we use to distract ourselves. To lose ourselves and tell ourselves that we’ll deal with it all when we’re less busy.?

Yet in work we have all the ingredients to analyse the full spectrum of our emotional lives. How we form relationships, why we attract certain people whilst others trigger us, how we behave in groups, the very jobs we do and much more are all there as we observe our lives through the lens of work.

There are so many great coaches out there and although I’m biased, I know first hand that coaching can really help you find that space to stop, reflect and start to unpack some of the things that are going through your mind.

Andy Maggs MSc Garath Symonds Nicole Bradfield Daniel Rowntree Leonne Joosten Juliane Richter Michele Carter Rosemary Ryan Rose Ogega MBS, FCPAK, PCC Marjola Rintjema John Clarke