When things don't go your way

5 ways your response to disappointment can mature your leadership

There will never be a time when you get everything you want in life. It is dangerous to assume or demand your way all the time. Instead, you need to find ways to use every situation to improve your character.

It is dangerous to demand or assume you will get your way all of the time.

We have heard time and time again that our "experiences" are what are important, but I would challenge that "how we learn from our experiences" is their true value. So, you got that job you wanted, how did you handle it? Were you appreciative or entitled? Did you come into that job humbly or were you "special"? How you respond to your life is what is more important than anything.

How you respond to life is more important than what you may go through.

In light of this there are things to consider when the sting of disappointment hits;

1. Be quick to acknowledge and accept the new reality
2. Begin reflecting on how and why you feel
3. Respond with a positive and engaging spirit, so you model true resilience
4. Be honest about what you are feeling, but don't grouse, and don't dwell
5. Take some positive action in light of the new reality

Now let's take them one by one, and use the diagnostic questions to reveal where you are. This is why skills are not the only answer, because character is what is required.

1. Acknowledge and Accept Reality

There is no reason or purpose for denial. Denigrating "outside evil forces" is not a good strategy either because you will spin people into all kinds of "conspiracy theories". It is better to get people thinking about what is to be learned from the situation.

- Take Responsibility: “What role did I play in this outcome, and how can I own it without shifting blame?” and “Am I modeling the accountability I want my team to embrace?”

- Stay Composed: “Am I controlling my initial emotions to set a constructive tone?” and “How can I respond to build trust rather than discourage my team?”

2. Engage in Reflective Analysis

The answer to the situation for all involved will be what they do about it. It will be how they respond, so make sure you empower their action by an internal review of what can be a positive motivation for them.

- Assess Lessons Learned: “What specific factors contributed to this failure, and how can I turn them into actionable insights?” and “Am I considering both structural and personal aspects of what went wrong?”

- Encourage Constructive Feedback: “Have I created a safe space for my team to offer candid feedback?” and “What feedback from my team could help us avoid similar outcomes in the future?”

3. Model Resilience and Growth

Become a part of the solution not just another spectator. We can all sit around and complain or someone in the group can decide to act so that everyone learns something. You can even turn your disappointment into an opportunity to include others.

- Focus on Solutions: “What immediate steps can I take to address this issue and reinforce a solutions-oriented approach?” and “How can I ensure that our actions moving forward are grounded in these lessons?”

- Be Forward-Looking: “How can I reframe this setback to inspire optimism and a renewed commitment to our goals?” and “What message do I want to send about resilience through my actions?”

4. Communicate Transparently

Do not hide from it, acknowledge the elephant in the room so people do not feel you are being inauthentic. Allow some opportunity for expression but quench toxicity if you find it. Turn the conversations to positive action.

- Share Insights and Lessons with the Team: “Am I being transparent enough about the failure and our path forward?” and “How can I share these lessons in a way that empowers the team to grow rather than fear mistakes?”

- Emphasize Core Values: “How can I use this experience to reinforce our organizational values?” and “Am I connecting this experience to our broader mission and values?”

5. Lead by Example in Positive Adaptation

Talking about it is only one of the steps to helping people move forward. You have to get them to grow into new ways of thinking about and managing opposition, and the reality that they will not always get their way, and that is all right.

- Adjust Strategies or Goals as Necessary: “What strategic adjustments need to be made to align better with our goals?” and “Am I demonstrating the flexibility and openness to change that I want to see in others?”

- Mentor Others in Coping and Learning: “How can I use this moment to mentor others in handling setbacks?” and “Am I taking the time to guide my team in translating this failure into growth?”

What I would challenge all leaders to be here, is mature. If you cannot be, then limit your exposure to the topic until you can be. Understand your role and the fact that you cannot avoid it, so lean into it with principles that will help others find answers and we will all grow up a bit more.

Want more? Contact me and we can talk about leadership coaching!