WHEN THINGS BECOME TOO SMALL FOR YOU

Espíritu

Veterans Equine Alliance

THE HORSE GUY

COACHING WITH HORSES

STORY #188

WHEN THINGS BECOME TOO SMALL FOR YOU

…You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in

Give up all the other worlds except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn

anything or anyone that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

( From Sweet Darkness, David Whyte )

I write now as someone with white hair. I discovered this phenomenon recently when I viewed a photo a friend took of me. Who’s the old fart with the white hair?” In this funny moment of surprise I was reminded how easy it is to lose track of ourselves in the fierce and demanding process of living our lives. We spend our formative years in school and university meeting the expectations of others in front of the room. We need the grades and diplomas they hold. We move into organizations and/or the military and work to achieve the expectations of others. We want to get ahead (and stay alive). We have relationships and stay in them because we want them to work; roughly half the time they do.

With each change we leave some part of who we are behind and take on new dimensions. If we are fortunate and pay attention, at some point later on we stop and ask a very risky question:

“Is the life I have the life I want?”

Mid life crisis is not the only time we ask this question. During all transitions this question looms. Sometimes we are aware of it, other times it lies quietly in the shadows of our activity, not drawing attention to itself but not stopping the slowly growing tension either. Life offers us clues —

Work that once was exciting and meaningful begins to feel flat. Something is missing that once was present.

A mission or ministry that once brought you alive no longer has this impact.

A community of brothers and sisters to which you proudly belonged is no longer there. You took comfort in the camaraderie, even identified with it. Now things have changed; it seems you have been cast adrift, on your own and the way forward is not immediately obvious.

An intimate relationship has shifted; your sense is you and the other are no longer on the same page. You want to grow and for the relationship to flourish. The other wants things to stay the same and for you to stay the same.

Everything seems to have fallen into place. Life, career, health and relationships. You ‘ought’ to feel happy yet something feels off.

Answering “No” to the question above can be both liberating and terrifying.

It is likely you have outgrown an old way of being. It has become too small for you. The process is quite normal even though it seldom feels normalized. Sometimes we initiate this process of acknowledging an old way has ended. Graduations may fall into this category. Sometimes this happens outside of our control; our life has its own designs on us. Death of close friends and family, health challenges may land here. ‘Darkness and the sweet confines of our aloneness’ become your new, temporary home.

While your smallness may be what you feel, the truth is it is your largeness that has prompted this change. You’ve outgrown something or someone; you’d have to shrink yourself or deny essential parts of who you are if you chose to remain. If remaining is even an option.

Does my next choice bring me alive? Yes or no?

The Five Invitations — What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully, by Frank Ostaseski is a beautiful read. As the title suggests, it is just as much about preparing to live as it is about preparing to die. Two of the Invitations seem especially pertinent here.

? BRING YOUR FULL SELF TO THE EXPERIENCE

Many of us learn to leave the best parts of ourselves out in the employee parking lot before we walk into work. Or we try hard to please important others even when it means denying parts of who we are. Bringing my full self means showing up as I am — mind, body, emotions, spirit — to each moment. It also means being open to receiving guidance from all parts of who I am.

Some years ago while serving as a leadership coach in Notre Dame’s Graduate Business School I sat with a young leader of a family run business. He told me of his vision for the business. The more he talked the more bored I felt. I tried hard to deny these feelings, to stuff them behind a professional demeanor. Then, to make matters worse, I began to hallucinate! I saw God standing on the other side of a river saying, “Come this way.”

My professional self allowed for rational and intuitive responses. But hallucinations? I was about to outgrow my small assumptions about what was allowed.

I couldn’t bear it any longer. I finally came clean and told the young leaders what my experience had been listening to him. He immediately broke down and wept. Finally composing himself, he admitted he did not want to be CEO of this business; he wanted to teach high school and be a football coach. He subsequently dropped out of the EMBA program and enrolled in the Masters of Education program.

Life is always trying to get our attention..in endlessly resourceful ways.

• ALLOW EVERYTHING, RESIST NOTHING

This radical invitation assumes everything happens for us and not to us. Therefore it is essential to allow ourselves to have the experience we are actually having and resist the tendency to flee the moment for imagined better experiences someplace else. Anger, frustration, fear, confusion, inadequacy and boredom are just as valuable as more positive and popular experiences, i.e., joy, contentment, confidence, power, and acceptance.

…..

I recently returned from a short time away. I missed our horses and wanted to pay them a visit. They were both out in pasture 150 yards away. Separated in two small herds by gender, I walked out to meet our boy, Corázon. Three years ago I would not have done this. Too risky, especially with other horses we don’t own and that I don’t yet know well. I would have stopped by my fear. To my unending delight, the boy looked up from grazing and trotted over to greet me. Our girl, Mesa, wandered over as well. I don’t get this kind of greeting at Thanksgiving!

You must learn one thing. The world is made to be free in.

Horses sense your largeness, that aspect of you which is essential and non-negotiable. Their presence alone opens an entirely new and expansive way of living and have much to teach us about fully embodying who we are. For those who, like me, had little experience with these beings, allowing fear and insecurity to be present without resisting them can be the doorway in. What awaits is a kind of inner congruence and peace that is hard to describe. Much like banana cream pie, to know how good it is you to take a bite!

Come join us for a taste. Stay large!

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