When Strong is not Resilient

'Malar, more than one death a day. What were they thinking, Malar? Aliyah's message slowly got to me. She forwarded the latest suicide numbers.

“The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.” 

― Juliette Lewis

On the other hand, a dear friend of mine is going blind and tells me how scared he is every day to wake up in darkness. 'It's getting darker every day, Malar. I don't know what to say. We continue to talk, and then he tells me how he is learning new skills. He is learning to be independent, learning how to stay in the field of education. Life has robbed him of his sight. I grieved in silence as I thought of the conversations we enjoyed on books in the past.

I reflected on own my journey this year. The year started filled with aspirations: a new partnership and international business expansion plans. I have been penniless in the past and don't remember feeling insecure. This year has been very different. While I celebrated the first three months of MCO with the joy of cooking and recuperating, it slowly took a toll on me. I woke up one day facing the reality that I may never be able to train Face to Face soon. What will I do? I was scared. I read books, I prayed, I joined support groups, I cried, I quit, and then I resigned from quitting.

Today, I have found new joy in virtual training. Just nine months ago, I thought my career ended. Do I know what is in store for me? I don't. I will keep kicking for now. Not that I am strong but because I believe that " This too shall pass". Oh no, this no comparison to what happens to others but I am certainly blessed that I believe I can learn skills. To change.

I will not pretend that I understand why people choose to end their lives while others fight on. The only thing that is ringing in my head is that living was more painful than dying. We may believe we protect the ones we care, and it may not be enough. I wish I had the magic to take away the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.

The question that bothered me was how did people lose the meaning, disconnect within and let their pain intensify, yet hide it by getting on with their daily life. They displayed so much of strength in their most vulnerable moments.

“The literal meaning of life is whatever you're doing that prevents you from killing yourself. Albert Camus”

The question that keeps lingering was when did they lose their meaning for life, disconnect within and let their pain intensify and still continued to get on with their daily life. They displayed so much of strength in their most vulnerable moments.

There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors. J. Michael Straczynski” 

The Myth

• How often do we hear people take pride in being strong and utter words like "I never cry'? 
• Do we pay attention to people whom we display strength? 
• Have you not heard   'Eh, isn't she a strong woman, so why is she complaining?'.
• 'He is the breadwinner, so he has to find a way. How can he say he can't find a job? Haven't you heard about the pilot who sells nasi lemak and the graduate on his bicycle, tea for sale?
• If you set your mind, you can achieve anything. The judgements get so loud that empathy gets eaten up. 

The Unheard Voice Within

I looked at the causes of suicide, and I hear this:

• 'But I have to wake up to my role and responsibilities'
• 'Can't you understand that I don't know how to be what you expect me to be?'
• 'I am so tired. I can't do this anymore.'
•  'I don't know how to face the world.' 
• 'I don't know how to help myself or get help.'

“True security lies in the unrestrained embrace of insecurity — in the recognition that we never really stand on solid ground, and never can.” — Oliver Burkeman

Strong does not mean resilient.

The numbers indicate the extreme levels of stress that they were experiencing and not knowing how to manage or get out of it.

While we may not be able to bring them back, we can learn some life skills that will hopefully get us through doing our hopeless and helpless moments.  Be anti-fragile instead. Embrace resilience.

Wake up every day to the gifts of resilience that we celebrate when others overcome, steer through, bounce back and grow. It's a muscle we need to build every day unless you are certain of how tomorrow will turn out. Are you?

"When we learn how to be resilient, we learn how to embrace the beautifully broad spectrum of the human experience.

Jaeda Dewalt"