When a Stranger Sat on Me at Disney World: Black Lady Experiences You’d Find Hard to Believe (If You Ain’t Black Like Me)

It’s Black History Month again (yeah, I know it’s almost over but hey, it’s the shortest month of the year so give me some grace)! It was also my grandmother’s birthday on the 26th (R.I.P.) and she would have loved to read about some Black Lady Shit (or B.L.S. as I’ll use throughout this piece) that she could relate to, so Happy Birthiversary Verna Pearl McGadney Harris – this one's for you!?

I am dark chocolate, 5 feet 4.5 inches with mid-back length locs in a female body. I was raised in Alabama by two black parents with the Missionary Baptist Church as the centerpiece of my life. I am nonbinary, pansexual and generally intelligent & self-aware. Walking the earth with my identities has been a true journey. In my almost 35 years alive I have had more experiences than I can count that made me say “did that really happen, like for real?” I will share some of those with you here briefly because as far-fetched as some of these encounters may sound, they happened to me directly and I can say with confidence that the elders said something like “Ain’t no way those things keep happening to my kids and grandkids” and God said “Hold my beer.” While I know that the experiences I will outline are shared by many others with aspects of my identity, there are still humans I encounter who seem in utter disbelief upon learning of them. This is for both categories of people – I hope that those who share these experiences with me feel seen & heard, and I hope that those who rarely hear about these experiences appreciate this small window into some B.L.S.?

I have had what I will call Memorable Melanated Mayhem as early as elementary school. Have you ever had a grown man you didn't know caress your arm without your consent and tell your mother how beautiful your chocolate skin is in a public mall? Have you ever been told by a complete stranger to your face that you are clearly unintelligent and unable to actually be doing the calculus work in front of you because of your skin color? Have you ever been stopped by police as you attempted to enter a public library and questioned about why you were not in school? (Who skips school and goes to a public library, come on now!) These are just a few experiences I had before age 18 walking this earth in my shoes. I recall feeling a mixture of emotions including fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, and confusion. Most poignantly I recall feeling alone, a feeling I wish on no one. My two older sisters are several skin tones lighter than me and I believed they were not experiencing any of these things (though I never actually asked). My parents loved me dearly but I did not feel invited to share unpleasant experiences freely with them. I largely dealt with these encounters alone and ineffectively but as I got older, I realized that other humans who hold identities similar to mine were having similar experiences and that sharing them could be healing for myself and others.?

Being sat on at Disney World Orlando, FL?

I’ve written about the family vacation we took to meet The Mouse in 2022 from a family privilege perspective (see article here - https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/national-foster-care-awareness-month-2023-mobile-christina-burrell/?trackingId=M2UU0AidTXi7GJBvf5bhQQ%3D%3D ). During that trip I had ongoing tension with my brother-in-law (still can't pinpoint why ????) so I was being extra intentional about creating a pleasant environment around myself to combat the tension and have the best time possible. During one of our 4 days at the Disney parks, I took a break from the long, hot walking to sit on a bench with my nieces and nephews. The bench was a standard sized bench like what might be found at a roadside bus stop and was unoccupied when we walked up. I made sure there was enough room for the 4 littles with me and then squeezed into the remaining space thinking “ahh, finally some chill.” Not 1 minute after sitting down, a complete stranger who was with 1-2 other humans came out of an area nearby, looked at the crowded bench we were on, and made the decision to walk over and attempt to squeeze into the tiny remaining space on the bench without saying a word to me. As there was not enough room for another whole human, she sat on my thigh and made no indication she intended to remove herself.?

I was beside myself with disbelief. I looked up to see my in-law and sister standing silently, seemingly unaware of the occurrence. My 4 littles were otherwise occupied with their handheld games and the rest of the family were off doing other things. I stood up, very irritated with this woman's weird choice but also cognizant of my need to remain calm as a role model for my littles.?

I stood up which made her move her body…the part that was on top of me… and went to stand next to my sister without saying anything. About 5 minutes later we met up with my other sister who asked why I looked like I did (pissed TF off). I told her some lady just sat on me. My sister who had been there commented “I saw that, that was strange, I was wondering if you knew her.” No, no I did know that woman who sat on me.?

I was relieved to hear that my sister had witnessed the occurrence but also frustrated that she didn't seem to acknowledge it as it happened. While I was definitely angry about what happened, I was not surprised since it was not the first time a white person or very light skinned human has made it clear to me that they did not like me taking up the space I was using. It was also not the first time I’ve felt that someone around me missed an opportunity to practice allyship.?

Being stood on in the MBTA Orange Line train

I’ve lived in the greater Boston area since 2011. The parking around my job costs far more than I choose to spend ($30+/day for the closest garage to my office) so I commute by rollerblading or longboarding in nice weather, or by the MBTA transit system in less nice weather. One such less nice day a few years before the Disney trip I decided to take the Orange Line from Forest Hills to Chinatown with a plan to juggle as a pastime during the commute. While I juggled, I ensured to maintain awareness of commuters entering and leaving the train at each stop so as not to accidentally hit anyone with my balls and to avoid taking up too much space. Once it was clear at each station that no others would be entering and that I had ample space, I resumed my activity.?

As you might imagine my juggling gained the attention of several folks (as it typically does) whom I chatted with about learning to juggle, gave the balls & shared real time pointers, or just chatted about my interest in juggling among other activities. About 3 stops and 4 random interactions in, a black woman who had been watching me peripherally got up her courage to say “I had wanted to ask you how you learned to juggle, you're really good.” While I gave her my response, the train doors opened and a new crowd of humans began entering.

It's important to know that with my trauma history and background, I tend to maintain hyper awareness of my surroundings. As such, I noticed when a white man got onto the train looking for a spot to stand, saw me standing in the doorway with a wide stance to balance for juggling, made a sound of irritation, then made a whole show of standing next to me with his entire right foot on top of my left one. I was in a good mood at that moment due to the number of positive interactions I’d had just moments earlier on the train, so my response to being stood on shocked even me.?

I was mid-sentence when I felt the foot slam into mine without immediately moving so I said to the woman with whom I was speaking,“Excuse me just a second,” before turning to address the offender. “Hey man, did you notice that you're standing on my foot?” I asked with an even, curious tone of voice. He replied in a raised voice and harsh tone, “Well there's no other space to stand, are you going to stand there taking up the entire doorway the whole time?” I maintained my calm, curious tone and while looking around and pointing to demonstrate, said “Well there's space right there, space right there, and directly across from where we are there's an entire doorway that's empty where you could have chosen to stand. It's a weird choice you made to stand on my foot and you still haven't moved.” He made an exasperated noise, said “yeah whatever”, then put his head down to engage with his cell phone. No, he did not remove himself from standing on me.?

I returned my attention to the great conversation I was having with the black woman before the interruption, but not before saying “That's just a weird decision you made because you did not like how much space I was taking up looking how I do, sir. Please do better in the future and understand I am allowed to use this space as much as you are.” He said nothing and I went on with my conversation. About 4 stops later his stop arrived which was the only prompt for him to remove himself from my personal space - from standing on my foot.?

This was a frustrating experience and I had a difficult time moving on with the rest of my day due to the pervasiveness of it in my mind. I could not believe the complete disrespect of my personal space that the stranger chose to display. I raged to all of my friend folk and family folk who I take my black experiences to and then moved on with my week until it slowly faded from front of mind. I was on my way to work when this occurred and had to put on a professional face for the day while managing that experience of aggression on my morning commute. This was not the first or only time I’ve had to take a problematic encounter and swallow whatever it brought up for me in order to operate in my job or in the space I was set to occupy immediately after the encounter. One such example was being harassed by police in Chinatown for my “F*ck the Police” hat on the way to lead a youth workshop, issued a “warning” for running a stop sign I did not run, and being told I should think about what I choose to wear (meaning my hat).??

I recently saw a video of a young lady who had a similar experience on a cruise ship with a strange man sitting on her legs and choosing not to remove himself from her personal space. While this may sound like a rare experience, it's happening to my melanated fambam regularly - just like being watched or followed in stores, being randomly selected for searches, and facing discrimination in health care settings.

Visiting a doctor’s office with an ex-partner and being ignored as the patient

Circa 2015 I went to an urgent care appointment with my life partner of the time. While I use the name Mobile by choice, my legal name is Christina and you’ve read my physical description. My partner was named Tanya and was Korean. We walked into the location side by side and went straight to registration/check-in. The person asked for the patient’s name and I responded with my full legal name. We sat in the waiting room and when I was called to complete some intake paperwork shortly thereafter, I approached the window and completed it. I was eventually called back to be seen so we sat together waiting for someone to arrive. Once the provider entered the space she immediately walked over to Tanya, pulled her chair closer, looked directly at her and asked “Okay so how are we feeling today?” I began responding and the provider cut eyes at me as though to communicate “I’m speaking to the patient.” She heard what I said then looked back to my partner to ask about health history. I again started speaking and the practitioner commented “I’m sorry, I need to hear from Christina” to which I responded “I am Christina.” She awkwardly made a hasty apology and redirected her body language and attention towards me for the remainder of my appointment.?

Now I did not ask the practitioner why she assumed I was Tanya and my partner was Christina, but I believe either she or my partner in the moment mentioned how Christina is a common Korean name. I personally believe it is more likely that the practitioner assumed that the Black person in the room was named Tanya rather than the Korean person. This is only one example of entering a medical space and experiencing my care as diminished in comparison to what I saw others receive. Another brief example was my experience post-procedure that required anesthesia and my current White partner’s experience. After my procedure I was drowsy as expected. My doc explained something to me, gave me some papers and told me I could go. My partner was shocked as she had had the same procedure multiple times in the past at the same facility and was given more time in recovery, asked if she needed water or a snack, and observed to ensure full consciousness prior to granting permission to leave. None of those things were true for me in my black skin. Something that is true in my black skin is that I’ve been asked on countless occasions if I work somewhere that I did not work.?

Being told “you look like you work here” while attempting to shop in peace

Shopping is rarely a peaceful experience for me. I am often working to ensure my hands are visible, that I look physically presentable enough not to be harassed, and that I am not moving in a way that will cause fear in others. I have been blatantly as well as subtly followed in stores of all types. I’ve been asked to have my bags checked at self check out to ensure everything was scanned. But the experiences that get under my skin the most are when folks either assume or ask me if I work somewhere. In 2023 I was in a store searching for a boogie board for my summer shenanigans, some beach furniture, and other items. While my partner and I chatted about the different boards and looked around at various items, a white man approached me and asked me a question about two products’ similarities and pricing as though I was an employee. I looked up from my conversation with my partner and told the guy I did not work there. I am unsure how he responded, but I was annoyed for the remainder of my shopping trip because a. I did not have a uniform on that matched that of store employees, b. I did not have a name badge of any sort on indicating that I worked there, and c. there was absolutely nothing about my presentation that would give an indication I was actively working while I was shopping.?

I have witnessed other melanated folks experience similar encounters and I always feel a bit of anger when I see it. There’s something about being approached as though I couldn’t possibly be just out shopping or enjoying a location, that I must be an employee to be there wearing the skin I’m in.?

Searching for housing in 2021 in the greater Boston area

I’d be remiss if I did not share one of the most frustrating series of Memorable Melanated Mayhem with you all to close out this window into Black Lady Shit (B.L.S.). In early 2021 my partner and I made the decision to get a place together and thus began our apartment search in the greater Boston area. We both have decent salaries, phenomenal rental histories, and exceptional references in both personal and professional categories. We live a quiet lifestyle with few guests to our place and prefer a quiet setting with permission for 1-2 pets. We believed when embarking on our housing search that it would be a quick, relatively straightforward search because of our rental histories and current landlord references. This was not the case. It took us 4 months and roughly 8 visits to different potential properties before securing a spot. During the search we received weird questions from realtors such as “how do you keep your cat?”, had a security deposit cashed but then told the spot went to someone else, and was shown a spot with strange video cameras throughout the common spaces.

One house out in Malden had a landlord who showed me the property. He was on the front porch as I walked up and when he saw me, he commented “Oh you’re who I’m showing the house to?” and it went downhill from there. I asked the guy if there was a living room and he asked “what do you mean?” I knew the conversation was a waste of time but wanted to respect his time for showing me the spot so I continued listening as he described the benefits of renting from him. He spent several minutes telling me about how there are several other people looking at the place and letting me know that if I were to move in with my cat I would have to designate one space for him, among other stipulations. The following day he texted me to ask if I was going to submit the rental application or not. That’s a hard no boss. From the moment I walked up, he made it very clear to me that he did not want me as a tenant. During our conversation he asked me about substance use for any potential residents. When I told him no one in the house smokes cigarettes, he responded “Really?! Well whoever smokes has to do so outside” as though I were lying to him.?

Call to Action

This feeling of not being believed is common for me and my melanated fambam. It can be rage-inducing at times, especially when you truly know what you know and are being ignored or dismissed. While it is something very familiar to me and others with various shared identities and similar identities, the experiences I’ve highlighted in this article may be completely shocking and new to others. Now that you are more aware of things like this happening to those who have deeper melanin, you can position yourself as an ally to listen, advocate, connect and offer general support to folks who have these sorts of encounters. When I saw the video of my melanin sister on a cruise ship being sat on by a white man, I was instantly enraged for her. I knew how demeaning and belittling it likely felt to be her at that moment. She also continued having negative encounters after entering an exclusive bar she had permission to be in and after witnessing the cruise ship staff who was supposed to be gathering info appearing to be buddy-buddy with the offender. I wanted to be on the boat for the simple ability to show solidarity with her and ensure she knew that I knew what ole dude did was not cool. Luckily there were a few folks present who did so in that circumstance.?

As humans we can practice moving through the world with a bit more kindness & compassion. We never know what someone’s story is or what kind of day they are having. Your smile could make the difference like the black lady asking me about juggling made the difference between me being enraged at the man standing on me and me being able to calmly address the situation before returning to our conversation. What is one action you can take each day to enhance how you show up in the world? For me I can ensure I am grounded prior to getting in my car where road rage is often knocking on my door! What’s that one thing you can do today that improves how you show up??

Happy Black History Month 2024 all, I hope you’ve gained a slight bit of insight into some B.L.S.!?