When someone tries to trample you!

We know that the problem has more to do with instinct and millions of years of evolution, going back to even before humans were Homo Sapiens. Look at animals, you will see males fighting for dominance, making great displays of singing, bravery and daring, all to impress the women of their species. They continue this throughout their lives. As soon as they “fail”, their spot is taken by the newer, the stronger, the more dominant replacement. No matter how “good” you are to a woman, no one is perfect, and there always would be someone who is perceived as better.

Countering this massive stinking pile of evolution are morals, ethics and true love. In some people, these factors aren't enough. In some cases the person is morally and/or ethically bankrupt. In some cases, it was never love, but a sort of temporary symbiosis, where the person never saw you in that way, but was willing to “trade”their time and attention for what to them is equal trade until someone “better” or more exciting comes along. Why does it seem that good guys always finish last? Because they always make the same or similar mistakes.

Never take someone “on the rebound“. They will see you as a life raft, only good enough till they can get to dry land. Never get back with someone that you broke up with before (or who broke up with you). There's a reason you broke up in the first place, and likely still hard feelings over the break-up. Never “rescue” someone from another relationship. You only know part of the story, their side, not the person they were with’s nor the absolute truth of the matter. Also, they left someone else for you, when will they leave you for the next person.

Avoid like the plague a friend's ex. No matter if you had feelings for your them before, they chose your friend over you, and it's not worth losing your friend. Conversely, if your friend knew you had feelings for them and pursued them despite that, they were never your friend. Forget bars and clubs, those are just places for hook-ups. Try social gatherings, churches, and even supermarkets. Normalcy and even mutual shared strangeness offer safety and common interests.

Don't rush things, but be clear what you are looking for. Difficult as it may be, you need to find a balance between being assertive enough without being overbearing. Don't waffle, let them know that you are interested in a real relationship, not just a hookup or just a friendship. Absolutes are almost always wrong. Let's go back to your basic question of why do bad things happen to good people? I would reframe it. Why do people who believe they are good obsess over the bad things that happened to them? Because they give that bad incident power over them. Because they lack objectivity. Because they don't listen to objective advice from friends. Because they want sympathy and pity. How does that happen?

Let me give you an example. I have a dear long-time friend who’s a bit of a crazy. We’ll call them Eve so as to be gender neutral. Eve is genuinely one of the nicest people you could meet. They feel things deeply and it's not that they can't form relationships, they just can't sustain them. Eve is a bit stuck in the past, constantly thinking about it and reflecting on it. That's not bad, per se, but they aren't living in the present and certainly not thinking in the future. Eeyore can't get over past slights and offenses and as a result people find it draining to listen to it again and again. Eve can't move on because they can't forgive or forget.

Heartless insensitive people quickly get over people they've dumped. They don't care what the consequences are or the harm and damage left behind. You have to consider perspective too. You're only hearing one side of the story usually. The other person labeled the “trampler” may have a very different take on things. I myself became philosophical about breakups and assignment of guilt. Why is it necessary to determine who was right and who was wrong? The fact is the relationship ended and you need to move on. If you could change the outcome you would have already. You may still feel something for that other person but if they broke up with you it's clear they don't. You can ask “why” but don't ask a question unless you're prepared for the answer…you may not like it. And don't be an Eve…forgive others their transgressions and move on.

The person who wants the relationship the least or who puts forth the least amount of effort into it always has the most power in the relationship. That’s just how it works. You could be giving more than your partner does because of your own unhealthiness—because you trying to use the relationship to meet some deep and unfulfilled need within you. Or your motivation could be healthy and normal, and the problem is with your partner. Either way, it causes you to jump through hoops in effort to make the relationship work, while your partner does next to nothing.

All of your efforts fail to produce the kind of relationship that you want, and it is the lack of effort from your less caring partner that actually sets the tone for your relationship—making them to be the more powerful person in the relationship. The trick to dealing with situations like these when you are the more caring partner, is to learn how to match your partner’s investment into the relationship. But other people can’t read their mind; they don’t know if the other person is comfortable with doing a favor to them or only pretends to be comfortable.

So if they see that the other person agrees - they simply keep asking them, while the other person have an ever increasing feeling of being used. To break this cycle it is important to learn how to say ‘no’. It may be hard in the beginning, but it becomes easier after some practice. And believe me - no reasonable person would think less of you if you assert healthy boundaries. Those that do - simply want to use you and it is better if they move out of your life.

In a relationship, it may also be a rather hard to be a partner of a ‘yes’ man (or woman). Most people are not looking for a partner who have their own opinion, who can support them and is not afraid to speak their mind if the other partner does something wrong. Nobody wants to take the burnt of making decisions both themselves and their partner. Cheers!