When Someone Backs out of Mediation at Short Notice: What Can the Other Family Members Do?

Happy July! With the summer travel season in full swing, many families are visiting their aging loved ones. If adult children live spread out throughout the country and even overseas, they may choose this time to plan a family meeting to discuss their parents’ future. And if they have different views about that subject, they may hire an Elder Care Mediator like myself to facilitate their discussions.

Families often plan such facilitated Elder Care planning meetings either during the summer or around holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas, so as many relatives as possible can participate in person. Even though online mediations via Zoom are common since the COVID pandemic, the older generation still prefers to meet face-to-face whenever possible. Such family gatherings must be planned well in advance to accommodate everyone’s busy schedules, especially if participants live far apart. But what happens if after a mediation has been confirmed and everyone has made travel arrangements a participant backs out at short notice?

One possibility is that the other family members meet as planned without the missing party. That can be helpful if the remaining relatives have different ideas about their Elder’s future. For example, if a parent is no longer willing to participate, a facilitated meeting with all their adult children can help them develop strategies how to collaborate effectively to support their parents' needs in their later years and to overcome possible resistance from the Elders.? Alternatively, if only one of the adult siblings backs out, the remaining ones can still meet with their parents and work out a plan for their parents’ future that everyone present agrees to and can implement together, even if the absent sibling disagrees.

Most recently, I planned a mediation with an aging mom and her adult children for a time when her out-of town son was planning to visit. When only a few days before our scheduled meeting mom decided that she didn’t want to participate, the visiting son cancelled his participation as well. Under the circumstances, it did not make sense for the local adult children to go ahead with the mediation, because they already had similar views what would be best for mom’s future. When the local sibling who was a live-in caregiver told me how concerned she was about her brother’s impending visit, I offered her some “Emergency Conflict Coaching” sessions, to prepare her for and support her during interactions with him.? During a follow-up session this morning I found out that after only 3 hour-long sessions with me, the live-in caregiver had been able to avoid conflict with mom and his brother during his visit, and that the brother succeeded in engaging some support services to support mom’s health and safety that she had refused when her local daughter suggested them. Although the siblings still aren’t collaborating with each other, I was glad to hear that their family was able to make some progress towards better supporting their mom, even without mediation.

Are you or a friend, colleague or client facing conflicts between adult local and long-distance children who have different views about what’s best for their aging parents’ future? Please, ask them to call or text me at 510-356-7830 or e-mail [email protected], so I can offer them a complimentary confidential consultation to explore how Mediation or Conflict Coaching can help them find a way to collaborate in their Elder’s best interest. ??

Katharina W. Dress, M.A., Mediator / Facilitator / Conflict Coach

AGING IN HARMONY, Cell Phone: 510-356-7830

E-Mail: [email protected], Web: www.aginginharmony.com

Helping Feuding Families Become Peaceful Partners:

In-Person, by Phone, or Online via Zoom