When the smile and kindness scare you to death

No, not the evil joker-like one, but a genuine smile of people who wish you well.

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Unpacking the freeze response – a client’s story

Most of us find comfort in kind gestures and smiles.?

But not Anouk.

She hardly smiles and is highly anxious when people smile and display kindness.

That’s tough. She’s triggered every day.

It makes her freeze in meetings, it makes her avoid social gatherings, it makes her not seek personal relationships.

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The science of survival

WHAT HAPPENS IN THE BRAIN during a traumatic event?

In a moment of potential danger, the retina (a thin layer of tissue in our eye) immediately sends visual information to the brain stem.

The brain stem, a small but vital part of the brain located at the base, responsible for regulating essential functions like breathing, heart rate, consciousness, and involuntary reflex actions, plays a critical role in fast, defensive responses.

This happens before higher levels of the brain are even aware of the threat = we are not yet conscious of it, we can’t name it or analyze what to do.

Fight or flight

If the predator moves closer, the periaqueductal gray activates the sympathetic nervous system:

- Heart rate goes up

- Blood flow to muscles increases

- Blood pressure increases

?- Pupils dilate

If it’s possible to escape - our body will decide for us.

If it’s safe to fight back – our body will mobilize us to do so.

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But it’s not always safe or possible to fight or escape.

That’s when a person may enter the freeze response:

- Muscles get tight and freeze

- Both gaze and breath may freeze

- Heart rate drops

- Respiratory rate drops

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This is NOT a conscious choice.

These “decisions” are made at the level of the brain stem and the autonomous nervous system.

If the predator doesn’t move away, the person may shut down completely:

-????????? Some people stop breathing

-????????? Muscles become limp

-????????? Metabolism shuts down

-????????? Endorphins are released.

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The person enters a state of “no pain”. They are no longer aware of their surroundings.

If a doctor could check them at this very moment they’d instantly diagnose them unconscious and, in some cases report “lack of life functions”.

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Why is it good?

During inescapable trauma, this is a very ADAPTIVE way for the brain and body to respond.

This is our brain's way of protecting us from something really bad when we can't get away from it.

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What’s the problem?

After the traumatic event, the neural circuit is created in our brain (our brain remembers it) and we might react the same way again in the future, in the situation that presents the element linked to the pain.

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Imagine a child abuser smiles and speaks kind words to a child before committing a horrific crime. That happened to Anouk.

She was only a few years old.

She couldn’t escape, not to mention fight back.

She froze.

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Since that event look into eyes, kind words and smile were signals to freeze or run away.

Not to mention the touch.

None of these were safe anymore.

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On the contrary, they were very unsafe.

Scary, frightening, horrifying.

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Decades later her brain activates this circuit automatically.

This link between kindness and threat led to years of social avoidance and isolation, turning a once-helpful mechanism into a debilitating response.

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Trauma doesn’t only impact our emotional reactions. It also influences our social interactions.

Detachment, avoidance, isolation.

That felt safe for Anouk.

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A path to healing

There's hope in the brain's ability to adapt and heal.

After we unpack the impact of the past on our presence, we can teach our brains to recognize actual safety.

Utilizing both hypnotherapy and EMDR therapy in tandem - with two therapists working collaboratively - we assist Anouk in reprogramming her mind and body. This process enables her to safely reconnect with herself and gradually begin forming safe connections with others.

Though it's still early in her journey, we are optimistic about helping her find comfort and security in kindness and smiles.