When to Be Selfish and When to Be Selfless! It is all about balance!

Today marks 43 years of marriage to my incredible partner. Over the years, I've often said to her, "There are times to be selfish and times to be selfless." This phrase has been a bit of a mantra for us, but as I reflect, I realize I haven’t always lived up to my own advice.

My tendency leans toward selfishness, while my partner is the embodiment of selflessness. It’s a dynamic that has, at times, created harmony and, at others, a need for recalibration. The truth is, knowing when to lean into one side or the other isn’t just a marital skill—it’s a life skill, and it applies to both personal and professional relationships.

What Does It Mean to Be Selfish or Selfless?

Let’s clarify: being selfish doesn’t mean being self-centered or ignoring others' needs. It means prioritizing your own well-being, goals, or boundaries when necessary. Selflessness, on the other hand, is about giving of yourself, your time, energy, and resources to support others.

The key is balance. If you’re always selfish, you risk alienating those around you. If you’re always selfless, you risk burning out or feeling undervalued. So, how do you find the sweet spot?

When to Be Selfish

1. When Your Tank Is Empty: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take the time to recharge, whether it’s taking a walk, saying no to an extra project, or enjoying a quiet moment for yourself.
2. When It’s About Your Growth: Investing in your own development—be it a class, a new skill, or even just pursuing a hobby—isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for growth.
3. When Boundaries Are Crossed: Professionally, this might look like saying no to an unreasonable deadline. Personally, it might mean carving out time for a hobby or passion that feeds your soul.

When to Be Selfless

1. When Someone Needs You: Whether a team member is struggling with a project or a friend needs a listening ear, these are moments to put others first. The ROI on kindness and support is immeasurable.
2. When Collaboration Is Key: In work and life, some goals can only be achieved together. Selflessness here isn’t about losing your voice—it’s about lifting others.
3. When It Builds Connection: Sometimes, stepping aside to let someone shine in a meeting or during family time can deepen trust and strengthen relationships.

How to Know Which Side to Lean On

• Selfish Indicators: You feel drained, resentful, or overwhelmed. These are signs to check in with yourself and recalibrate.
• Selfless Indicators: Someone else is struggling, collaboration is stalled, or your contribution can make a meaningful difference.

Bring it on Home

After 43 years of navigating this dynamic with my partner (and countless colleagues), I’ve realized that neither selfishness nor selflessness is inherently better. The magic happens when you know which one to choose—and when to pivot.

Call to Action

So, whether you’re in a long-term partnership, leading a team, or just trying to find your footing, ask yourself: "Am I being selfish or selfless in this moment? And is it the right choice?" The answer might surprise you—and lead you to stronger, healthier relationships.

What’s your take on balancing these two? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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