When They Say "Don't Be a B*tch About It"

How many times have you found yourself in an uncomfortable conversation at work--being told to calm down or that you’re too emotional or should smile more, or worse: name calling or inappropriate references. Awkward! One of the reasons I’m excited to co-chair LinkedIn’s Women@ Employee Resource Group is because we have palpable momentum to make this the year we have the #RealTalk about real issues. We don’t have time for anything less.?

So let’s talk about the inappropriate things women are told at work every day across the globe. The stuff folks get away with, the things that feel too awkward to report or go unaddressed because they’re triggering. As our VP of Trust at LinkedIn and Women@ Exec Sponsor Tanya Staples says, “I’m pretty sure we all have lists of things we’ve heard or have been said while we’re in the room that are cringeworthy dot com!” I’ve been there. How about you??

And as my Global Co-Chair Sharyn Muir says, “I wish I could go back in time and share the wisdom I know now with my younger self.”? So we’re going to share that wisdom now? and amplify our voices together. Each month, I’ll put the spotlight on “cringeworthy dot com” and offer a few different expert clapbacks you can use to call this BS out. But I need to hear from you as well—tell me the situations we need to shed light on, share guidance or advice in comments, tag other strong women, invite in male allies, and consider yourself a part of the #RealTalk community.? One incident at a time, we can change the status quo by standing up. I’m sure you wish we didn’t have to, and I do too. Should the people saying this stuff be the ones to change rather than us having to adapt? Absolutely. And hopefully this newsletter’s sharp responses get that on the record, fast!

Speaking of getting real: some of the scenarios we cover will be triggering and hard to consume.? I encourage you to follow along to learn and educate yourself on what women are navigating in the workplace.?

Here’s this month's dilemma:

Your male colleague tells you "you don’t have to be a b*tch about it” when discussing a project you’re working on together.?

Business School Professor Says It’s Important to Repeat the Phrase and Say It’s Inappropriate

Kelley School of Business professor and LinkedIn Learning author Tatiana Kolovou says, “Reading this makes my blood boil.” #Same. If it’s happened to you, no doubt you’ve felt this same rage. What’s also unfortunate is “often we get caught so off guard that we don’t know what to say.” The shock leads to surprise and sometimes silence.

Tatiana suggests responding: “Before I say anything else; it is inappropriate for you to use the b*%ch word with me (repeating what he said makes the message clear). In no way this is acceptable. We are colleagues and both working hard on this project. Do you think this makes me want to work with you? (describe the impact of his actions) If we are going to work together you need to be respectful, and that word is not respectful to me or any other woman in this company” (ask for what must happen differently).”?

He needs to know that this won’t fly with her and that even though he may not ‘mean’ it, she is offended by the use of that word, its implications, and his lack of respect towards her.?

VP Who Has Had It Happen to Her Many Times Shares That It’s Worth Unpacking How the Other Person Is Feeling and Your Triggers While Addressing Head On

Tanya Staples is one of the Executive Sponsors of Women@LinkedIn and LinkedIn’s VP of Trust. She shares:?“There is nothing worse than being called a b*tch by a coworker. It has happened to me many times over my career." Here’s what she's learned:

1) Address it head on. It’s perfectly okay to say “Hey, I’m not comfortable with name calling. Let’s talk about what’s happening between us to get this conversation back to a good place.”?

2) Take the time to understand how the other person is feeling. It will take a lot of patience to do this, but what will ultimately build a stronger relationship is to take a deep breath and have a constructive conversation to understand why they feel the need to lash out by name calling. While nothing justifies the other person calling you a b*tch, understanding their feelings will help you constructively suggest how they can be more constructive than resorting to name calling. I’ve learned that usually when people lash out at me it’s because my actions leave them feeling that I’m being unfair, unreasonable, or unkind.?

3) Understand your own triggers. There is no question that I can be spicy. Early in my career I was extra spicy, had zero self awareness for it and, worse, believed my spiciness was justified because I was “being honest.” As I’ve grown, matured emotionally, and become more confident, I'm more aware of triggers that can make me spicy. My biggest trigger is when I feel that I’m not being heard. If I’m not careful, I will allow the emotion of the situation to back me into a corner and revert to lashing out to get myself away from that uncomfortable place. I’ve had to learn to be a bystander to my emotions and watch for when I see the first signs of not feeling heard. Once I identify that, I can avoid even starting down the path of getting backed into that emotional corner. It is not easy, and I certainly don’t get it right every time. But, by being more self aware, I can be my best self; kind, reasonable, and fair.? And it helps others hear my message clearly.?

Customer Success Analyst Suggests It’s Important To Get Perspective From Someone Outside the Situation

Aura Roy is a Customer Success Analyst for LinkedIn and shares that “My short term reaction would be to point out that he went out of line and should have known better. The long term plan would be to set up some time with my manager and tell her how I felt. I’d want to address this so this person doesn’t make this comment again, not just to me, but with anyone else. I have always felt that talking to someone who is outside of the scenario gives a great perspective and helps navigate the situation well.”

Social Media Agency Founder & Forbes Writer Suggests Flipping the Conversation to Acknowledge It’s About Them, Not You

Goldie Chan is the founder of Warm Robots and a Forbes contributor, LinkedIn Top Voice, and a LinkedIn Learning instructor.? She shares that: “In the moment, I usually ask what is stressing them out, either with the project (deadlines, clients, budget, outside pressure) or with the work week itself. Nine out of ten times, it's not at all about me.”? Isn’t that the truth? Resulting to immature name calling says much more about the person saying it than the recipient.

Chief of Staff Suggests Asking Clarifying Questions That Help the Person Understand Their Poor Choice of Words

Shea Hanson is a global Chief of Staff for LinkedIn and goes into question mode to unpack the comment: "What do you mean by that?" allows you to call attention to the comment, and often the offender will realize their unfortunate choice of words.?

?If you're too shocked or offended to say anything in the moment, listen to your gut about taking longer-term action. Do whatever will make you feel most comfortable working with this person long-term to preserve your mental and emotional wellbeing. If you won't be able to forget about it, or you feel it's a pattern that needs to be addressed, speaking up to the offender or a trusted colleague may prevent any resentment or saltiness in the future. Getting it on the record with a simple, "Hey, I didn't appreciate that term," might be enough to make you feel comfortable working together on future projects.

Male Ally and Head of Content Strategy Advises Not Being Afraid to Loop in HR

Our last take is from our male ally, Dan Brodnitz , Head of Global Content Strategy at LinkedIn Learning: “This question took my breath away for a moment. Honestly, this strikes me as hate speech: controlling and destructive. You might be comfortable communicating directly how offensive this was. Sometimes direct conversations can be enormously helpful. But in many cases, the classic advice of talking with HR is the best way to go. Talking to HR isn’t always about triggering an action, and I think sometimes folks hold off because they aren’t sure what action is needed. HR is hopefully also a trusted advisor and typically has a perspective that even the best-meaning coworker can’t match.”

So Now What?

Speaking up in the moment or after the fact takes courage and puts us in a double bind: hearing the inappropriate thing in the first place and addressing it in the second place. It’s a gritty business that requires resilience and a commitment to putting colleagues on notice that we don’t do that here. It’s also key to get a pattern of toxic comments on record with your employee relations or HR team. Is that going to be hard? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Yes. We’ve got your back! Are you fuming that we deal with this stuff? So am I. But shining a light on it creates space for change. What advice would you add to this conversation??

And if you’re comfortable sharing, what other inappropriate things have you been told at work? We’ll be using this newsletter and your advice to crowdsource future topics! Please click subscribe to join us again next month, as we’re all here to be yours in making workplaces better for women!