When Rest is Stress: Does Taking Time Off Give You Anxiety or Gloom?

Rest is hard.

Vacation is really hard.

It isn’t that I don’t love a good getaway. Shoot, a $15 cocktail anywhere new is a good day.

But when I think of that time off work, away from email and the constant stream of action, I get anxious, depressed. It’s a funk, a lingering thought or rumination on work-ish things. And it’s become as much of a tradition as summertime for me.?

Last summer was the first year I became aware of what was happening. Up in Lake Tahoe, my Eden, I was feeling … just detached. I started to feel it in my gut, a lingering clenching as if I was awaiting some bad news.?

I couldn’t shake it.?

Why did I feel so damn morose in a place that was my playground of joy? I kept running through a list of why I could potentially feel that way:

Project hanging over my head? No.

Looming travel? No.

Stacking demands on text or email? Some of that but nothing to cause a down stirring.

There was no negative discourse. No money issues. No sickness. No troubles I could identify.?

Coming back from that vacation, I decided to dig deeper into this feeling and why it was so hard for me to vacation and relax.

Ultimately, I found my answer: I didn’t know how to rest.?

I didn’t know how to transition my mind from the conditioning that being still was wasting time. Mentally, it felt as if I was simply falling behind on my need to move forward projects, communicate to colleagues and earn opportunities.

I knew I was on vacation, but my mind did not.?

The engine was still running. We don't know how to rest on vacation because we don't know how to rest when not on vacation. We tell ourselves rest is “bad.” A text from work demands a reply, an email deserves an answer and a thought deserves a brainstorm. These make up our daily rituals — until we turn to Netflix, scrolling social and ultimately returning right back to that wheel.?

That wheel is what gives us meaning so when we remove it, there’s a feeling that we are not serving purpose and our mind doesn’t want to believe that.

Dramatic changes in our rhythm throw us off. The internal friction, or feeling of gloom, is driven by a downshift. If we cannot be still for five minutes in our day-to-day life, how can we expect to do it for a week without that same stimulation?

Ultimately, we cannot convince ourselves to simply relax and “just enjoy the time off.” That isn’t how the brain works.?

It becomes a practice. You learn to be still by being still.

Put the phone in the other room for an hour without TV. Listen to music while staring out the window. Reflect and process through writing. Find your methods and space to meditate.?

Say to yourself that rest is not wasted time. It’s as important to your health as exercising.

TV can be a distraction, just as scrolling social media can be, but it’s not true rest because your mind isn’t able to process when you keep feeding it inputs. Let your mind find ways to output.?

The teenage version of yourself probably never imagined that rest and doing nothing would be a difficult practice to learn. But the teenage version of yourself also didn’t have slack, group texts, social media, binge-inducing streaming or the pressures of adulthood and an adult job.

Invest in rest. Spend time with nothing. Not just so you can enjoy vacation, but so you can enjoy yourself. Every day.?

A few weeks ago, I was doing dishes and the thought of my upcoming summer plans passed through my head. I wasn’t struck by joy. I was jabbed by that feeling of gloom and anxiousness.

I quickly became sad and anxious about potentially being sad and anxious.

So my steps become important: When I take off mid-summer for vacation, I will be sure to wrap up loose ends at work, communicate my time off and delegate ongoing projects to my team. That’s the easy part.?

But I will also start conditioning my mind to prepare for rest. I will make strong efforts to begin checking out on weekends and nights.

I will give myself rest to prepare for rest.?

I’ll report back how it goes. Let me know in the comments if you relate to this feeling.