When relations are strained with the person who needs care

You may have decided long ago to keep your parents at a distance. Perhaps dad left the family and was largely absent. Or mom may have been an alcoholic, "absent" in a different way. There may have been abuse when you were growing up. Or a parent with mental health issues.

But what to do now that your relative needs help in their elder years?

Conflicting emotions are common in this situation. If you had negative experiences with your relative, you might feel resentful about their needing you now. But you also might feel guilty about staying away.

Here are some tips for navigating the difficulty of caregiving in a strained relationship.

Accept your feelings. It's natural for renewed or increased contact to trigger a resurgence of feelings. Those feelings are not wrong or bad. They simply reflect the history of your relationship. There's no need to deny your feelings. But there is also no need to live in the past. Change does happen. It's worth allowing for the possibility that your relative has grown and has learned some things over the years. No promises. But time does have a way of providing perspective to everyone. While you can't change the past, you may have an opportunity to create a better future.

Think of your feelings as warning signals. They can alert you to possible dangers, but they do not have to steer the ship entirely. Honor your feelings, but be cautious about letting them dominate the situation.

Consider counseling. You've probably been carrying around a lot of feelings for a lot of years. This situation may be an opportunity to take a fresh look at your childhood through an adult's lens. You have choices now. You are not at the mercy of your parents. A counselor can help you decide whether you want to participate in your parent's care. They can also help you set healthy boundaries and define the limits of what you are willing to do.

Make conscious choices. Before jumping into a caregiving role, think about why you are doing it. Only you can decide what is right for you. Many family members jump into helping because they hope to receive the love or affection they missed as a child. That can be a slippery slope. You will likely end up bitter if you expect gratitude. It may never come.

Make choices that reflect your values and create a level of involvement that is acceptable for you.

• Where do you draw your personal boundary?
• What kinds of tasks are you comfortable taking on? Finances? Meals? Dressing? Bathing? Toileting?
• How much direct contact will be healthy for you?

There are different ways to be involved. If hands-on care is not right for you, hire others to do that piece. You can stay involved as the coordinator. Or, if you place your family member in a care facility, your role might be to oversee their care and make health decisions. Sometimes the wisest choice is to hire an Aging Life Care? Manager?to handle your parent's needs while you stay involved as the money manager or decision maker.

Aim for a balance between your needs and theirs. You may not get the perfect balance the first time, so allow yourself to make new choices as the situation changes. Validate yourself for living with integrity.

Keep your "personal well" replenished. The added stress of caregiving in an emotionally difficult relationship puts your overall health at extra risk. Expect yourself to need emotional recharging. Develop a conscious strategy for coping with stress. Whether it's a caregiver support group, a spiritual or religious congregation, or meeting with other family members, find a community that supports you.

Be mindful of maintaining your own well-being with good food, adequate sleep, and staying away from unhealthy habits. And rejuvenate yourself physically and mentally with activities such as art or music or exercise. Consult with a professional counselor if you notice lasting negative changes in your mood or your pace of life.

Consider guardianship for a Plan B. If you find that it's just too painful to be involved or that you honestly are not able to provide the care your relative needs, create a plan that allows you to back away but does not leave a vulnerable elder unattended. Consider finding a guardian for your relative. Consult with an elderlaw attorney to learn more about this process. It may, indeed, be the wisest and even the most loving choice.

How will you determine whether providing care will be a healthy choice for you? For your relative?

Want to learn more about caring in strained relationships?

Contact the experts in family caregiving

Senior Total Health Network 562-844-1991