When Positivity Becomes Toxic

Who believes if you always have a positive outlook, everything will be ok?

Bully to that. There's a reason there's day and night, yin and yang, black and white, up and down. And everything in between.

Having been through an incredibly challenging time recently, I've had some of those so-called pesky negative emotions. Anger. Rage. Sadness. Grief. Disappointment. I went to the dark side for a while. It was awful. Truly awful. I've not felt so down and lost for a long time. I got really dark.

While some outright avoided me. Others stepped up to hold space. But some, with the best intentions, encouraged me to let it go, move on, be positive, and be grateful for what I've got. One bright spark suggested my current situation was my choice, as was happiness.

Or...

Being told to smile (even when I didn't want to).

Being told to ‘Think positive’ or ‘Be optimistic’.

'Don’t be so negative’.

‘You have nothing to be stressed about’.

‘Other people in the world have it worse than you’.

Hashtags on social media like #GoodVibesOnly or #PositiveVibesOnly

There's a line between finding the silver lining in an experience and toxic positivity.

Having a positive outlook on life is good for our mental well-being.

The problem is that life isn't always positive. We all have painful emotions and experiences. While often icky and uncomfortable, those emotions need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly to achieve acceptance and greater psychological health.

Instead, we're tip toeing around, scared we're going to trigger someone with our experiences. Or not expressing how we feel, because who needs a Pollyanna telling you the sun is shining when for you, it's dark, and you just want someone to hold space for you?

Toxic positivity is dangerous. It's gas lighting. It's not helpful or makes you a more enlightened person, because you always see the good. It makes me question someone's mental health, because if you're skipping over the bad bits in life, you're not living fully.

Toxic positivity minimises and even denies any trace of human emotions that are not strictly happy or positive. It's to avoid unpleasantness. That's not healthy.

It avoids authentic human emotion, causes guilt, and it's shaming.

We know more about the brain and how it works. We have a deeper understanding of psychology and mental health. We have so much knowledge at our fingertips.

Yet, we live in a time where we are cancelled if we go against the virtue of the masses.

We get shut down for differing opinions.

Other people's emotions make us uncomfortable. We avoid those who are negative.

It's why people don't share their thoughts. Because the peanut gallery will tell you how and why you should feel, instead of letting you feel the feels, so you can move through it.

The pressure to appear ‘OK’ invalidates the range of emotions we all experience. You're not defective, weak or inadequate when you feel distress or sadness.

These are transient emotions. If we're encouraged and supported through, we learn, grow, and heal and come out the other side.

Reality is painful at the moment. There's a lot of people doing it tough. How many of them are quietly living in pain because they feel they have no one to turn to? If they do express themselves, how long before they're told not to be negative? There's a difference between positivity and optimism.

Optimism is good and nurturing. It allows us to believe that we will heal and survive the difficult moments. It acknowledges when times have been tough, while also holding hope for things to change.

The pressure to be productive, upbeat and happy leaves many feeling inadequate and ashamed that they're not ok because they can't make it through the day without a panic attack or tears.

Humans are not meant to be positive all the time.

When we dismiss other people’s concerns, it's because many of us are uncomfortable with difficult feelings.

Sadness, anger, and fear aren't inherently bad. They are part of our human experience spectrum, which helps us identify things that are threatening, upsetting, or need attention, like a blinking light on your fuel tank when it's almost empty. When someone disregards those feelings, it’s harmful to our mental and physical health.

Emotions aren't positive or negative. There's only emotions. Stop denying those who make you feel shit. They're there for a reason. You may just have to trust you'll find someone who'll hold space so you can express yourself.

It's undeniable that being positive is good. Excessive positivity is harmful.

"Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it, quash it or silence it, only backfires. Avoiding suffering is a form of suffering. Avoiding combat is a struggle. Denial of failure is failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame." Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

Sometimes life can just flat-out suck. By pretending we're “positive vibes all day,” we deny the validity of our human experience.

A mentor told me that it's ok to feel mad, sad and down as long as I'm only renting the space. Don't take a mortgage. Feel the feels. Learn from the experience and grow.