When people undermine you at work - how to shut down power and politics

Welcome to Rise & Thrive, a weekly newsletter where I challenge conventional wisdom to help high achievers, especially women, advance in their careers and rise into product executive leadership roles.

Hello there ??,

You know the feeling.

You just made a solid point in a meeting. Then comes the subtle dig: "I don’t get why this is confusing. It’s pretty straightforward."

Or the unnecessary correction in a public Slack channel.

Or the cross-functional partner who somehow always finds a way to question you—but never your male counterparts.

You start second-guessing:

"Did that just happen?"

"Should I say something?"

"If I let this go, does it get worse? If I push back, do I sound defensive?"

The moment passes, but the mental loop doesn’t:

"I should have said X. Why didn’t I say X? Next time, I’ll say X. But will there be a next time? And if there is, will I actually say X, or will I just replay this entire spiral all over again?"

And that’s the exhausting part—not just the moment itself, but the fact that this keeps happening. While you’re focused on doing great work, you’re also forced to constantly navigate, calculate, and absorb.

The worst part? It’s not always obvious. It’s not outright hostility—it’s the subtle comments, dismissals, or status plays that chip away at your confidence over time.

Let’s talk about why this happens, why it gets under your skin, and how to shut it down—without looking defensive.

?? Last week, I hosted Laura Schaffer , VP of Growth at DigitalOcean (prev at Twilio and Amplitude ) and we digged deep into what it takes to scale products and teams. Laura dropped lots of battle tested insights. Watch the replay here.

Now onto today’s newsletter.

Why people undermine you (even subtly)

After 20+ years in tech—including in executive leadership—I’ve seen this play out everywhere. Great companies, dysfunctional ones—it doesn’t matter.

Undermining isn’t always about toxic culture or bad intentions. Most people aren’t villains twirling their mustaches. But subtle power digs? Those are everywhere.

And whether it’s a pointed question in a meeting or a “just making sure” Slack message, they often stem from three psychological forces that (surprise, surprise) disproportionately impact women:

Status signaling:

People assert dominance in small ways—cutting you off, questioning you publicly, dismissing your ideas. Research by Tiedens and Fragale in 2003 found that hierarchies form fast, and once someone sees you as “below” them, they unconsciously reinforce it.

e.g. That cross-functional partner who always challenges you in public? It’s not about truth—it’s usually about ego and status.

And as women, we wonder, “Oh, your approval wasn’t pending, thanks.”

2. The illusion of transparency:

We assume people hear what we mean—but they don’t. This is what the research study by Keysar found - Someone saying "This is so simple" may think they’re just venting. But to you? It sounds like an attack on your competence.

e.g. They don’t realize how their words land. That doesn’t mean you should let it slide.

A Director of Product I am coaching, recently shared this that speaks to what is happening here - “Amazing how ‘feedback’ always sounds like a power move when it’s delivered in front of an audience.”

3. The Power-Empathy Gap:

Studies by Keltner show that people in power are worse at reading emotions. They’re literally less likely to notice when they’re being dismissive or unfair.

e.g. That manager who says "This should be obvious"? They may not even see how it affects you. But ignoring it only reinforces the cycle.

This isn’t just about difficult people. It’s about workplace dynamics—and understanding them is the key to shifting them.

Why this behaviour affects us so deeply?

Undermining isn’t just annoying—it’s destabilizing. It lingers. It chips away at your confidence in ways you don’t always see until much later.

And yet, the common advice we get?

“Just ignore it.” “Don’t let it get to you.” “Call it out directly.”

Here’s why I disagree.

I’ve seen brilliant, high-achieving women try all of the above—only to watch it backfire.

Ignoring it doesn’t make it stop. Calling it out can make you look “too sensitive.” And pretending it doesn’t bother you? That’s just absorbing the hit instead of deflecting it.

And often, you might want to ignore it, but unfortunately, your performance review is written by the same people testing your patience.

The real issue? Most advice focuses on how to react—but not why it affects you in the first place.

And if you don’t understand why it’s getting under your skin, you can’t fix it. You end up picking the wrong strategy—either over-explaining, overcompensating, or shutting down completely.

Before you decide how to respond, you need to diagnose why this is hitting you the way it is.?

Here’s why these power digs land harder than they should—and why understanding them is the key to shutting them down without looking defensive:

1. Status & competence:

Self-Determination Theory suggests that we all have an innate drive to feel competent and respected. When someone questions your work—especially in front of others—it plants doubt: “Maybe I’m not as good as I thought.”?

?? This is why you replay the conversation hours later, thinking of the perfect comeback.

2. Psychological safety:

We do our best thinking when we feel safe to contribute. A dismissive comment signals "Watch your back." Your brain shifts from creating value to protecting yourself.?

?? This is why you hesitate before speaking up in the next meeting.?

3. Social proof & belonging:

Ciadini's research shows that people look to others to gauge how we should be treated. If someone consistently questions you, others unconsciously start doing the same.?

?? This is why one person’s behavior can slowly erode how others see you.

How to shut bad behaviours confidently, without getting defensive

Your instinct might be to prove yourself harder ("I’ll show them!"), or to shrink and withdraw ("Maybe I should speak less.").

I have learned that both are traps.

To avoid getting undermined, you don’t necessarily need to avoid or work harder for respect. But what is often needed is our ability to hold our space differently. And here in lies a very nuanced skillset and mindset. ?

Here are just 3 methods that have helped me personally and so many members from my community:

1. Disrupt the pattern—calmly Undermining works because it’s assumed you’ll absorb it. Break that assumption.

?? "That’s not fair!" (Emotional reaction = gives them more power)

? "That’s an interesting take—what are you basing that on?" (Forces them to justify themselves)

2. Anchor the conversation back to facts If someone subtly questions your work, don’t get defensive. Instead, neutralize it with specifics.

?? "I don’t think that’s true." (Feels personal, invites debate)

? "Here’s the data that supports our approach—curious to hear what you see differently." (Keeps control of the narrative)

3. You have the power but you dont have to play dirty like them Your leadership presence is half the battle.

• Pause before responding. Silence makes them uncomfortable.
• Stop over-explaining. Say what’s needed, then stop.
• Keep moving forward. The more you dwell, the more they win.

The goal isn’t just to win the moment—it’s to shift how you’re perceived over time.

Turning frustration into your power

The biggest mindset shift I made?

I stopped reacting—and started engineering how people interacted with me.

Because here’s the truth: Undermining isn’t just about them. It’s about how you respond—and how you train others to treat you.

This is exactly what we teach inside Product Leadership Edge—helping women Product Managers learn the skills to shift how they’re perceived, communicate powerfully, and build unshakable credibility to get recognized and promoted. ????

If you’re tired of being underestimated, join us here.

Until next time—keep rising,

Bosky