When People Have Been Exposed to Mental Illness in Their Family

Excerpt from my new book, Mastering the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI).

Here is a profound question that reveals the soft underbelly of all communication (written and/or oral) that occurs within—and between—all homogeneous communities: What is REAL vs. what is UNREAL or FAKE (i.e., a significantly distorted or essentially untrue statement)? It would take too much time to review the large body of literature on mental illness, discussing psychological disorders and how such mental and emotional disorders can make it much more difficult for a person to determine what’s really real and what’s fake. In other words, when people have experienced (let alone acquired) one or more “coping styles” to seriously distort or fabricate reality (whether purposely or unconsciously), it will be even more difficult for them to know for sure what is true and what is not—which gets to the heart of whether anyone can believe what one homogeneous community is saying about another homogeneous community—let alone what to believe about the hundreds, if not thousands, of dire warnings that regularly appear on social media platforms.

I’ll now mention the “defense mechanisms” that people use to cope with the many stresses, strains, and heartaches of daily LIFE: denial, displacement, projection, rationalization, reaction formation, repression, and sublimation (Barnes and Wills, 2019). People often use these “reality-bending” or “reality-twisting” approaches to reduce the “sting” of what hurts, what is scary, and what bad things might happen soon—and thereby those defense mechanisms temporarily lessen the threat or danger in the situation. For example, if I DENY what is happening to me, then, at least for the time being, I’m less affected by that threat since I’ve blocked it out of my mind. And if I am scared about something, I might DISPLACE my fear (act it out) on some individual (or on some other homogeneous community), which, at least for the time being, enables me to reduce some of my anxiety about what’s really threatening me right now.

In other cases, however, people are not able to simply bend or slightly twist reality for the purpose of protecting themselves from the latest fear or threat. Instead, some people make a total “break” from reality with these (largely unconscious) “strategies” that create alternate versions of reality: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thinking, hearing voices, paranoia, and schizophrenia. These types of “psychosis” do not simply distort reality, they DESTROY reality.

What if a child is surrounded by parents and/or guardians who have mental health challenges, so that the entire family is prone to applying defense mechanisms or significant breaks from reality in order to cope with the stresses and strains of family life? In essence, if such individuals were constantly exposed to major distortions and fabrications of reality during childhood, those grown adults would find it even more difficult to decipher the truth of something when some looming threat appears on the horizon. In fact, when children experience mental distortions and fabrication of reality throughout their development process, how can they ever know when someone is IN TOUCH with reality versus when someone is entirely OUT OF TOUCH with reality? Prolonged childhood exposure to any kind of mental illness will make distortions and fabrications of reality seem altogether NORMAL … and what is experienced as NORMAL is then treated as entirely REAL.

It should now be evident that there’s a clear and present danger whenever people have acquired unconscious strategies that tamper with reality. In particular, adults who have been previously exposed to serious mental health issues throughout their childhood will feel most comfortable (at home) when they’re again surrounded by other adults who face the same kinds of mental health challenges as the person’s own family of origin. As we have seen before, FAMILIARITY breeds COMFORT, along with the undeserved confidence that “what we believe is really REAL.”

Because of such familiarity with the distortion and fabrication of reality during their childhood, when they become adults, they’ll tend to join organizations and institutions that have members who also had similar mental health challenges in their family of origin. Keep this in mind: Familiarity breeds attraction AND commitment, due to HOMOGENEOUS IMPRINTING. But also keep in mind that the attraction to what is FAMILIAR is essentially an UNCONSCIOUS process: Adults will often find themselves in the SAME situation, with the same kinds of people, again and again (exactly as they experienced in their childhood) and it’s rarely obvious to them HOW that attraction, attachment, and commitment took place. By the way, the words “family” and “familiar” share the identical root word in Latin: familiaris. Thus, family IS familiar (and vice versa) and that is why human beings are mysteriously drawn to constantly replicate the FAMILIAR dynamics of their FAMILY of origin—which includes unconsciously designing their organizations and institutions (and choosing their leaders) to mirror the FAMILIAR dynamics of their childhood experiences.

Now’s a good time to realize just how difficult it is for adults to know the truth of something if they experienced: (1) either an overlycontrolling family of origin or sustained abandonment and neglect by caretakers (which, in both cases, means that they probably enact counter-dependent behavior toward all forms of AUTHORITY) and (2) how their family of origin grossly distorted and fabricated what is real and what is not, due to psychological defenses and psychiatric disorders. ANY adults who have lived through these developmental challenges in childhood will be vulnerable to being radicalized on social media platforms and, in time, to become active members of one or more extreme homogeneous communities that are prepared to initiate a civil war—having already stockpiled guns, explosives, or other armaments—as soon as they and the other active members of their HOMOGENEOUS TRIBE have “lost all hope” that their way of life will survive.

Given that there are surely quite a few “authority-challenged” citizens who may have acquired significant mental-health disorders, we must find ways to help these struggling adults discover a healthier approach to knowing what is really real or what is not real—so they can make the best decisions for improving the quality of life for their local communities and their countries. At a minimum, we must find ways to enable all our citizens to evolve from ethnocentric consciousness to worldcentric consciousness, which will ultimately bring them closer to seeing things as they really are, not as projected (lingering) wounds that have never healed from childhood.

Nevertheless, we must acknowledge that some extreme, radical, incredulous conspiracy theories might actually be true! Sometimes, people do meet in secret, behind closed doors, and conspire to bring guns and explosives to some upcoming demonstration—which they plan to USE to bring needed attention to their perpetual grievances against the government. For their justification to use violent means during that demonstration and protests, they cite FACTS about how the government has already harmed their local community. These supporting facts might be 100% accurate. One can certainly disagree with the use of violence to make a point during a protest, but at least this “conspiracy theory” is solidly rooted in reality—since it’s based on verifiable evidence of what previously took place.

However, the difficult problem about knowing what is really real enters into the conversation whenever people grossly exaggerate facts or invent new facts that just aren’t true (what has been called, “alternative facts”). The latter is just another outlandish conspiracy theory that gets more extreme and radical every time it’s shared on social media platforms with other, similar, tribal communities that may often add a comment here and there that argues for the validity of the claim—but with NO actual evidence to support such a radical conspiracy theory, as we witnessed with the widely circulated lie that “the 2020 U.S. presidential election was stolen.” This blatant lie has been disproven, again and again, in one court case after another.

Attempting to help citizens STAY IN TOUCH with reality has become a much bigger problem than ever before. Basically, we must decide if everyone is completely free to make up their own facts and thus manufacture their own fake reality. (I hope the latter approach does NOT become the established norm!) Next, there must then be a dedicated, entirely transparent effort to thoroughly investigate all the evidence that’s purported to support any factual claim (which is clearly specified so others can easily verify—or dismiss—the claim), which will then allow a large cross-community assembly of citizens to endorse a CONSENSUAL REALITY: one that’s been painstakingly subjected to extensive discussion and intense debate across different homogeneous communities. NOTE: Using a large cross-community assembly of citizens to examine the evidence (and the assumptions) behind different claims about what is REAL is the primary reason for establishing a well-functioning Problem Management Organization (PMO).

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I’m publishing this newsletter series to discuss the nuances of the four timeless topics for people and organizations: conflict, change, transformation, and consciousness. You can subscribe to never miss an article.

Kilmann Diagnostics offers a series of?eleven recorded online courses and nine assessment tools?on the four timeless topics: conflict management, change management, consciousness, and transformation. By taking these courses and passing the Final Exams, you can earn your?Certification?in Conflict and Change Management with the Thomas-Kilmann Instrument (TKI). For the most up-to-date and comprehensive discussion of Dr. Kilmann’s theories and methods, take a look at his most recent books:?Creating a Quantum Organization and Mastering the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI).

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash