When People Go

Many relationships are one big lie.

The table was less full this year, but it was the fullest it has ever been, because at it, were the right people.

It is during this time of the year that we are more inclined to connect with people – the holiday “spirit” may spark the need to say hello, send good wishes or thank those that have done nice things for you - sometimes, I call it the season of acknowledgement.

Although I generously thank those for their kindness in the immediate, I keep a list throughout the year and ensure that before the year ends, I send a card or a small gift to show my sincere appreciation. Most are truly surprised, but delighted.

I also go through my phone to ensure I’ve not missed anyone… and as I do, I use the time to delete contacts I no longer engage with. That’s the gift I give to myself.

Some years ago, I took on a role in a new field. There, I met a wonderful young lady who took every measure to ensure I was successful. From day one, she made onboarding a breeze and every Thursday, without miss, she and I would dine and talk for hours, building a friendship.

Throughout our work days she was an invaluable resource… helping me navigate, providing me with information and introducing me to the “right” people. I didn’t take that kindness for granted and any chance I got, I did something special to let her know that she was appreciated.

I also had to set some firm boundaries, because oftentimes, in the process of sharing, I learned things about others I didn’t need to know, and decided to be clear with her that our friendship was to be built on the support and respect we had for each other, not on gossip.

What a gift, to have a co-worker with such camaraderie… she even called me “Sis”, a term of endearment that signifies a sense of closeness and protection, and in the rough world of corporate, everyone needs that “Sis”.

People will always do what is best for them, and as such you must do what is best for you

There are so many conversations around mentorship and sponsorship, and while they are important, they only serve as a gateway to your next, and not always a friendship (another post about that some other time as well), but the relationship you build with your mentor or sponsor, is not the same as the one you build with a teammate.

A teammate gets to know you on a much deeper level, and in some cases where you spend more time at work, than you do at home, it is easy to consider teammates an integral part of your life. Unfortunately, that is not always the case – the integrity is not mutual.

On the day, the role no longer worked for me and I had to walk out the door, “Sis” showed up to tell me I needed to go home, and I never heard from her again. It was a difficult decision, and she never even checked in with me to see if I was okay. I recall the many times I had to text her after dinner to let her know I arrived home safe so she could go to sleep better knowing I was ok.

Close to a year of sharing my greatest emotions with someone… in a matter of minutes, that person on whom I depended on for different reasons, chose to protect her role, her reputation and her interests over being associated with me.

Well… that’s how it works sometimes.

The relationship was all a lie.

Many relationships are one big lie.

How many lies do we live all the time?

And so, it goes… what do we do when people exit our lives?

And you deal with the heartache the best you can… without a choice but to keep moving forward, because the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

In the example above, it was a coworker, but in many cases, it’s a friend you’ve considered family because the friendship has spanned for 30 plus years.

It’s a family member you’ve grown up with, who has chosen a different path than you and their lifestyle and yours never really align for time together.

It’s the person who on many occasions has said, “I got you”, only to run fast when “getting you” is an inconvenience.

It’s the person you are attached to that makes different decisions than you and prays not for your continued success and happiness, but rather your failure – most times they don’t even want it for themselves (the success you’ve had), they just don’t want it for you either.

It’s also the boss/manager/supervisor you’re hoping to get along with and find support from, until they too, have found another opportunity or place, and you’re left to have to prove yourself to someone who’s got no interest, and doesn’t even bother to understand what you do.

It’s that person you had an incredible interview with, and when you finally get to work with them, they don’t even respond to your “good morning” or acknowledge your presence, until they need something.

It’s that person you’ve long admired… who treats you and others ignorantly.

It’s a lot a people.

Lots of time.

For no good reason.

Without explanation.

Leaving you with a void.

To have invested in someone who at the drop of a dime can and will walk away without any consideration is simply something we just have to learn to manage.

It’s also the person you most deeply love, and interact with every day and say good morning and goodnight to daily, and spend time with in person, on the phone or doing activities… who one day just doesn’t wake up. And you deal with the heartache the best you can… without a choice but to keep moving forward, because the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

And world doesn’t stop for your pain.

And it certainly doesn’t stop when others decide they don’t want to be a part of your life, and it certainly doesn’t stop when YOU decide you can no longer be around someone else.

But it will stop to say, “Get over it. Quickly.”

Relationships are never perfect, but they can really be very simple, and sometimes really, really difficult.

But with every goodbye… you learn.

So, when people simply stop engaging, calling or their demeanor is different, just let it flow, know that it has nothing to do with you. And sometimes, there’s no need to even ask them why.

Any relationship that strains, drains or stains is one you shouldn’t have. Perhaps you may need to “deal” with someone as part of your role, because they are a conduit to resolving something or for other reasons – know when to be transactional and kind, not emotional.

Although it’s hard to digest, “I thought she was my friend”, is tough when someone disappoints you and leaves you a bit surprised. My mentor once told me, in business, we are friendly, not friends.

Although many will never admit it, success can be a blessing and a challenge.

The higher you go, the less people you will find at your caliber. Also, another post on the “Loneliness of Success” at another time.

As you rise, you find less and less that rise along, and your circle becomes a bit smaller. But quality over quantity is most important, and even then, some folks may drop off your list.

What is most critical is that YOU HAVE YOU… and you are all you need, so ensure to 1) take care of your health, on all levels – it is your greatest wealth; 2) create your own joy and happiness; and 3) never water yourself down to fit into places that are simply too small for you.

Lastly, if you ever have to “convince” someone to stay, that’s your green light to go. Whenever someone decides there’s no room in their life for you… just let them go… because you’re worth more than being someone’s “part-time”, “sometime”, “when I have the time” or “I’m using this time”.

Remember your worth… just because you think/feel like you need someone in your life, they may not think they need you.

So… just let them go.

People will always do what is best for them, and as such you must do what is best for you.