When our worlds collide

They were frothing from their mouths as they shouted at each other. Fists formed, eyes narrowed, brows twisted, jaws clenched. Both were my friends but they had never liked each other. I saw the anger building. It was a trivial topic that they had disagreed on. But at that moment, it almost looked like the mere existence of one was an affront to the other. I was afraid that the verbal argument might soon  deteriorate into a physical altercation.

Friends intervened and it got resolved. Some people have a visceral dislike for the other. They hate each other's guts. Why is that?

We are just different people. We are different people, biologically. We may all look the same and talk the same, but in our heads, there are distinct personality types. We look at the same things and see different things. No wonder we cannot agree. We do not see the same things. It is not a surprise.

A few hundred years back, Native Americans identified four different types of people. The "Eagle" type are visionaries and imaginative people thinking of new things they could do, not beholden to the mundane realities of the world. The "Ox" type are practical-minded, "just do it" people. They live in an action-packed world and enjoy doing things in the here and now. “Bears” could think through the details of anything before moving forward and "Mouse" type knew how to bring everyone along and how to connect with folks emotionally. They were binders.

Evolution required each of these in any tribe. A tribe needed "eagles" to explore the jungle for the sake of exploration. "Eagles" would discover new sources of food, nicer places to stay, and even the whereabouts of the enemy tribe lurking the other side of the mountain. But the tribe did not need too many of them, as a few sufficed. The tribe needed a lot of "ox" types because wood needed to be chopped, food needed to be collected, and tribes needed to be run under strict supervision. You needed a few "bears" for creating a routine, and probably a similar number of "mice". "Mice" kept people connected to the tribe and to each other.

Together they would make a cohesive unit. But an "eagle" would never understand how the hell an "ox" does not get bored doing the same rituals every single day. An "ox" would not understand the unhinged and frivolous life the "eagles" lived. The "mouse" would wonder why "ox" seemed to not care how people felt. And "bear" would go crazy about the lack of planning and details in the tribe.

These philosophies are not limited to ancient wisdom. There are parallels to these in modern Jungian psychology. John Beebe goes into detail explaining how our cognitive functions work Some people make decisions based on what should be done while others consider what can be done. Some enjoy what is right here and now while others seem to be lost in daydreams. It is difficult for us to understand the point of view of the other. We have a very unique lens and we see the world very differently from others.

This unique lens is both a blessing and a curse. We are unique and the world we see is unique. It is all our own. It is a true gift from the Gods. But it is also a lonely world. You can never explain all its beauty to anyone else. Only you can feel it. Others won't get it.

This explains why we fall in love. Love is a mix of familiarity and excitement. We must share some part of our lens. If you are a dreamer, you may like a fellow dreamer. But for our souls to really fit together, the other has to have something we do not have and we sorely lack. Thanks to online dating, we have quite a bit of data today to prove this thesis. Helen Fisher has done just that in "Why We Love. Why We Cheat". In the movie "American Beauty", as Ricky explains to his girlfriend Jane the beauty he sees in floating plastic bags, she knew that she found someone who shared the same "lens" as her.

It is not easy to find folks who share our "lens". Evolution dictates that we need a few intuitive "eagles" and many"oxen." As you dig deeper, and divide and subdivide, out of 16 or so major types, you would probably connect with one or two. So expect to have real "brain-connection" with just 1 or 2 out of 16 people you meet. It is not bad news. It is actually quite good. The secret to a happy life is to form deep friendships.  According to a Harvard study, you do not need more than 3-4 deep friends to have a deeply contented life.

These findings have ramifications. It is OK for you to prefer some movies, music and hobbies to others. It is OK even if other people think that your habits are weird. They are different. You are unique. It is OK for you to not like some people and dislike what they say. They are not your type. They do not see the world you see. Ironically, once you learn this, you can better empathize with them. It is OK for them to not like the way you think as well. You won't froth from your mouth, jaw clenched, arguing with them the next time. You will be all ears listening to them. They are describing a new world. They have a different lens and see a different world. You cannot see it yourself. But at least you can see it through them. It is quite amazing, actually.