When other people leave, that's when the real work begins
I want to share something that happened to me this week that made me think a lot.
Central London, early evening buzzing with people going to little restaurants, road busy and loud. My partner and I are strolling and enjoying a night out in one of the most iconic places of the city. By accident (or chance?), we notice a narrow street that opens up on the main road where two people are fighting. One of the two is a woman, trying to get her leg free by a man that is gripping her and taking her shoes off. Us and a few other people immediately feel something is wrong and we slowly approach the couple and raise our voices, the man runs away. The lady, clearly distressed, is panicking and starts sobbing uncontrollably.
All the other people leave thinking the danger is gone, and it's all over. My partner and I - we don't even have to look at each other, we know what to do. There is a way of saying that states:
when other people leave, that's when the real work begin.
I sit down with the lady, saying some kind words with a smile, while my partner runs to buy a bottle of water. We try to calm her down and understand what's happening. Turns out it was her partner, and it wasn't the first time beating and humiliating her publicly.?
I am by no means a psychotherapist, nor I pretend to be. This is a big work that needs to be properly addressed with competent people. But sometimes what people really need is a #nudge. I have #coaching skills, and my way of coping with the uncomfortable circumstance was to use them - it just came natural to #coach her. The story slowly unfolded. She is living in that street. He does not allow her to get into her house, because he is really jealous and believes she is cheating on him. She has three children, and she is definitely not in the best position to provide for herself or them. She is exposed to the worst that can see and experience from the street, and sliding down the hill of miserable health and living.?
Something hit me in the face when she said, “I know all of this is wrong. But is it my fault if I feel in love with this guy? How can I blame myself?”. She is right. Who are we to judge? It could have happened to me. Some time later, she had a beautiful smile and she hugged us saying thank you.
In the end, we managed to accompany her to the police, and convinced her to report the circumstances. I really hope now the social support structures will make their job in properly following up. Maybe the situation won’t change, and it will happen again. But in her eyes, she shined with hope.
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I suddenly remembered something they teach you early when you start your coaching journey. You need to believe the person CAN change if they wish. You are their coach because you make them accountable and you never stop believing in them.
I want to think this was an occasion for her towards freedom. And for me? As an occasion to reflect upon my profession in a more profound way. Sometimes I hear people denigrating #coaches as “manipulative” or “unqualified” people that can cause harm by their talking. Coaching is an incredibly powerful tool that you can use to make a difference, and this is the way I develop and deploy it. It is a way to show compassion. It is a way to show up for people.
I have had two wonderful inspirations last year, one is my IBMer colleague Juan Miguel Callejas Romero that is working on CSR around the topic of homelessness, and the other is the Associazione Donne Contro La Violenza di Crema, a women’s shelter based in Italy where I sat workshops with incredible volunteers striving for making #women stronger. Maybe they created useful #awareness to this positive outcome. Maybe because I was with partner (I asked myself this question, would I have stepped in that dark narrow street if I were alone?). Maybe because when you are doing the right thing, the road becomes easier.
I want to end my reflection with a powerful piece by Theresa Hak Kyung Cha’s Dictée, an amazing postmodernist poet.?
“When the pause has already soon begun and has rested there still. She waits inside the pause. Inside her. Now. This very moment. Now. She takes rapidly the air, in gulf, in preparation for the distances to come. The pause ends. The voice wraps another layer. Thicker now even. From the waiting. The wait from pain to say. To not to. Say. […} When the amplification stops, there might be an echo. She might take the attempt then.” (Hak Kyung Cha, 4)
Always remember to show compassion even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You might be that chance that others are desperately looking for.