When Opposites Attract

A lot can change in ten years…

In February 2013?Marc?and I were interviewed for London’s QX Magazine: a weekly free newspaper that was, for many years, a staple of the UK gay scene (and still exists online). At the time I’d been HIV positive for eleven years, and Marc and I had been together for three of them. As Marc didn’t (and still doesn’t) have HIV, we’re what’s known as a “sero-discordant couple”, and the QX article was designed to highlight and respond to the stigma surrounding dating someone with the virus.

Of course, even back in 2013 there was little reason for the stigmatization: AIDS itself was largely a thing of the past – at least for most of us in western healthcare settings – with the first combination therapies or “drug cocktails” having come out around 2006, so the perceived “risk” of dating someone with HIV who was on successful antiretroviral treatment was already considered extremely small. But the stigma persisted nonetheless… So QX rounded up a dozen sero-discordant couples, including us, to be interviewed and photographed for the article. On the appointed Saturday, Marc and I turned up (complete with dogs, because who doesn’t love a couple of Shiba Inus?) to an address somewhere in the East End, ready for our close-up and keen to meet the others.

Except when we arrived, aside from the photographer and a couple of people from QX, we were the only ones there. (Strange, we thought…) After we’d had our pictures taken we heard the art director and photographer discussing which of our shots would be the best for the front cover. (THE FRONT COVER???!!!) As it turned out, all the other couples had baulked at the idea of being photographed and we were the only ones left in the piece. And therefore we’d be gracing the front pages ourselves, our half naked picture proclaiming my HIV status – and our bedroom choices – to the whole of gay London and beyond.

Of course, the irony – that everyone else had decided to shy away from an article designed to address stigma, precisely because they were afraid of the stigma – was not lost on us, and we pretty much took the view that “I guess it’s just down to us then”, gritted our teeth and waited for the fallout.

And there certainly was some fallout… the piece poked into things like decisions around safer sex, and Marc – famously outspoken – called out some members of the gay community for questionable behaviour and double standards, which came back to bite us with some snubs from people in our own circle. But I also posted the article online, helping it to find a much wider audience than just the gay community, and to educate people about HIV who’d never needed or chosen to be educated in the past. For me, this was a big step: while my closer friends and family had known my status I’d never “gone public” with it, and I certainly had some anxiety over how straight friends, and in particular my work colleagues from the BBC, might react.

Confirmation that I’d done the right thing came for me a few days later, when a journalist approached me in the BBC Newsroom and told me: “I never really wanted to read about HIV, or your sex life, to be honest. But I’m so pleased I read your article, because I learned things I never would have and I now have a much better understanding.”

For me, this was the moment when it all became worthwhile: a vindication of the position we’d chosen to take regarding education, and a powerful lesson in taking back power from something that doesn’t deserve it. For over a decade I’d allowed my HIV status be something I was embarrassed and slightly ashamed about… something that I thought might hurt me if the wrong people found out… By keeping it almost a secret and only disclosing it on a case by case, need to know basis, I’d allowed it to have a power over me that it should never have had. The moment I decided to own it publicly, no matter what anyone actually thought privately, I would never again need to worry about who knew, who didn’t, and whether they were planning to “out” me regarding my status.?

But there was more to come… The QX article was a great step towards trying to change perceptions of what it means to be in a relationship with someone who has HIV. But starting up around the same time was something which would have a much bigger impact, changing not only perceptions but also the advice doctors worldwide would give to people in such situations.

The PARTNER study ran for eight years, from 2012-2019, and assessed sero-discordant couples who engaged in unprotected sex practices at regular intervals over that period. Marc and I stayed in the cohort for the entire study – including after we left the UK and moved to America – and were among the first people outside the research teams to hear the outcome at the end of it. In eight years, across multiple countries and thousands of couples, the PARTNER study reported zero HIV transmissions from a positive partner on antiretroviral therapy to their HIV negative partner. This was the study that conclusively proved that “U = U” (Undetectable = Untransmittable), finally dispelling any doubt that someone without HIV could catch it from their positive partner, even during “risky” or “unsafe” sex.

So, a slightly odd post for Valentine’s Day, but perhaps a reminder that when we’re united in love and say no to our fear, we really can do our little bit to change things for the better.

(Thanks to Aaron G. , who wrote the article; Martin Mae , who took the wonderful pictures; and?Janey Burr, our amazing contact at 56 Dean Street ?for the PARTNER study! If you’d like to read the article, you can download the PDF at?https://we.tl/t-kZVivkahff)