When One Door Closes

Lara's day begins like any other in the last few months. There's no sound of an alarm clock, no steam from the shower, and no aroma of fresh coffee filling her apartment. Even though it's 9:00 a.m., the 34-year-old graphic designer is still lying in bed, unsure whether it's a Tuesday, Friday, or Sunday. And it really doesn't matter. Whatever day of the week it is, she knows she will spend it sitting in front of her computer in her worn-out black sweatpants and oversized grey T-shirt, sending her resumé to potential employers. After merging with a larger global competitor, the small digital agency she used to work for made her position obsolete. Lara was taken aback by the news, not only because of the unexpected nature of the transaction but also because she had recently been promoted to regional manager.

Lara alternates her job search with long periods of sitting on her living room couch, reminiscing about her previous job. And why wouldn't she, when almost everything has become a cruel reminder of the past: the sound of light instrumental music similar to that in the elevators she rode every day, the taste of green salad like that she ate during her lunch breaks, and the sight of a beautiful sunset akin to that she enjoyed on her train ride back home.

But Lara misses more than just the office. It's also the life she's had during the last decade. She recalls vividly how beautiful and young she felt in her twenties. She longs for the warmth and affection of friends she no longer sees. She misses the liberating feeling of financial security. She remembers how proud she was of her promising career. And most importantly, she craves a sense of purpose that made her feel meaningful.

Nostalgia is defined as an overly sentimental longing for the past, particularly for a time or place with happy personal associations. It's a common, universal, and highly social emotional experience in which we yearn for a time when things were better, easier, and more fun. A familiar smell, sound, or taste, looking at an old picture, engaging in a conversation, or thinking about a personally meaningful memory, such as one's childhood or a close relationship, can all trigger this emotion.

The origin of the word nostalgia perfectly captures the spirit of its meaning. Barbara Cassin explains in her book Nostalgia that in the 17th century, Doctor Jean-Jacques Harder classified this feeling as an illness to describe the homesickness of Swiss mercenaries ("Heimweh" in Swiss-German). The fact that the noise of cowbells could cause soldiers to desert and return home was such a sensitive military issue back then that playing similar sounds was punishable by death.

Always comparing the present unfavorably to the past, remembering something from the old days and ruminating on the possibility of reliving it, and not enjoying good things because we're afraid of how much we'll miss them when it's all over are just a few examples of how nostalgia can get out of hand. When it becomes excessive, which is often characterized by painful memories, it can lead to isolation, loneliness, regret, sadness, and, eventually, depression. The European Journal of Social Psychology points out that the problem worsens if we have a habit of worrying or find ourselves fixated on dark and unwanted thoughts. And, according to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , if it's random and unconscious, our mood can suffer severely over time.

To summarize, what we think influences how we feel and vice versa. When nostalgia overwhelms us, all we want to do is hide away and cry. We don't want to do anything we normally enjoy, so we don't. As a result, nothing changes and our mood remains affected. In her book Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? Julie Smith identifies six thought patterns that have a negative impact on our mood, three of which I will highlight. First, mind reading. When our mood is low, we feel the need for more reassurance from others. If we don't get that extra encouragement, we may assume they are thinking negatively about us ("She isn't asking why I'm sad because she doesn't care about me"). Second, emotional reasoning. We see evidence that something is true even when there’s proof that it’s not ("I'm a bad person because I feel guilty for being nostalgic when I have everything"). Finally, all-or-nothing thinking. When we're sad, we're more likely to think in polarized terms ("If I don't stop longing for the past, he will leave me").

"How come I feel so sad, and Harry is doing fine? He practically joined the same day I did and was fired alongside me..." Lara muses. "Why is it that when we speak about the past, I always feel down but he remains as happy and optimistic as always? I mean, we both went through the same thing...what am I doing wrong?" Lara thinks to herself.

It may be shocking to hear that nostalgia can be a positive experience in our lives. According to The New York Times , most people go through nostalgia at least once a week, with nearly half experiencing it three or four times a week. Despite this, they remain optimistic about their future. This is because the positive elements far outnumber the negative ones. Nostalgia performs an important existential function. It evokes memories of treasured experiences that reassure us that we are valued individuals with meaningful lives. It makes people more hospitable to strangers and more accepting of outsiders. When couples share nostalgic memories, they appear closer and happier. And research shows that nostalgia helps us deal with transitions, with people who engage in it on a regular basis better suited to coping with important life events such as the death of a loved one.

According to Healthline , nostalgia has been linked to a stronger, more positive self-identity. Life experiences shape our personalities and define our sense of self. Looking back on our lives can make us see how far we've come. It can also help us find our life's purpose. Thinking about important goals we've achieved can allow us to remember that life has value and meaning, even if it doesn't always go as planned. Nostalgia can also be expressed as a sense of belonging and connection. It can make us feel more connected to others because remembering the people we care about, for example, can help us consider how much we value those relationships. Finally, it has the potential to translate into motivation and inspiration. Reminiscing about "better" times may motivate us to reclaim that contentment, pushing us to work toward goals and improve circumstances we are unhappy with.

So, while nostalgia can lead us to dark places, it can also serve as a resource from which we can draw strength and happiness. Everything depends on how we handle it. Controlling our low mood, according to Julie Smith, begins with becoming familiar with our common biases, noticing when they appear, and labeling them as such, simple biases and not facts. High emotional states can make it difficult to think clearly, so reflecting after the emotions of the moment have passed is easier. When it comes to nostalgia, this means becoming more aware of what triggered the negative feelings so that we can be better prepared the next time. Furthermore, keeping a journal of our negative experiences can be beneficial, especially if we also record the thoughts that triggered the nostalgic emotions and the sensations that accompanied them. And, if we have someone we can confide in, we can share with them the biases that we are prone to when we are nostalgic so that they can assist us in identifying and correcting them.

"Rin ring!" Harry looks at his phone and sees it’s Lara calling. "Hey, you! What a nice surprise. How are things going?" "Hi Harry, well...not so good. This transition is proving difficult for me. I find myself wishing all the time I could feel the way I did. I daydream about people, places, and situations that will never happen to me again. I think nostalgia is getting the best of me. But I see you in a different place. You appear to be at peace with what you lost, grateful for what you had, and optimistic about what the future may hold for you. In other words, you seem happy. Please tell me your secret," Lara begs, her voice broken. "I feel you Lara, it's not easy putting emotions like nostalgia to good use," Harry says gently. “But if we get too caught up in the past, we miss out on everything wonderful that is happening now. I'll help you in seeing things in a different light. Let's get started right away. I'd like you to consider what the great Hellen Keller once said: "When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. March 25, 2023.

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