When Nothing Felt Right with Me

A few days ago, I did not feel like myself at all. I was unclear on what I was experiencing, but I knew this much: I felt out of control, stuck, and trapped. Also, I was losing patience with my parents, and I was beginning to feel suffocated at home. As a result, I could not concentrate on the task at hand and felt lost.?So, I escaped to my grandmother’s house, because all I wanted to do was run away from my thoughts.

In this week’s newsletter, I remind you as well as myself that such a panicked state can be handled differently. As I introspect on what occurred for those few hours, I am reestablishing my coping mechanisms for?a different place, time, and environment. Sometimes, how we cope may no longer be relevant. That is when we need to figure out what may work. We need to evaluate, understand, and pivot for the better. ?

Below, I share my recycled but modified ways of coping and their reasons, so I am ready the next time I feel this way. ?

Pause: Instead of instantly wanting to feel better, I will?consider pausing, taking a deep breath, and leaning into my feelings. I will remember to simply acknowledge the presence of these reactions?even if I cannot fully understand them. This pause will slow down the volley of scary thoughts and feelings. ?

WHY: Escaping unpleasant emotions?is more work than acknowledging them.?

Listen: I will ask myself what it is that I need in the moment. Maybe it is a hug or to shut the door and close my eyes to the world for a while. Maybe it is to do a quick workout or go for a short walk. If what I need is not readily available, then what is my next best option? ?

WHY: There are always alternatives. We only notice them when we listen to our heart carefully.?

Build: I know myself enough to realize what makes me feel better. If that means creating a list of my coping mechanisms that I can handily access, then that is what I need to do sooner rather than later. This list will serve its purpose the next time I begin to feel out of sorts. ?

WHY: When anxiety or sadness set in, it is difficult to think or act clearly; therefore, a pre-meditated list of options can be invaluable.?

Surrender: By the time I made it two flights up to my grandma’s place, I was close to tears. I hurriedly asked her if I could use one of the bedrooms to study, and she graciously said yes without any questions. I escaped into what used to be my grandfather’s bedroom, left the door slightly ajar, and opened my textbook to finally study.

I stared at the same sentence for a good five minutes and absorbed nothing. I then felt one tear slide down my cheek. Then another and another. The more I cried, the angrier I felt at myself for shedding tears instead of using the time to study. The next time this happens, I can be more compassionate towards myself. I will cry until I feel whole again. ?

WHY: Holding the pain together within us only makes the healing process lengthier and more difficult. ?

Choose: When I feel miserable and emotionally disoriented, one of the activities that helps me tremendously is getting something done. It can be anything, such as taking a shower, making a meal, or even reading. I need to feel like I am headed towards a mentally healthier place?as opposed to ruminating.

The next time, instead of studying complex nutrition science, I will choose something else that leaves me feeling accomplished. Whether it means recording an Instagram reel, watering the plants, or running an errand for my mom. When I am down, I need not add unnecessary pressure.??

WHY: Going easy on yourself during tough times is an act of compassion and power; not weakness.??

Communicate: I wanted to escape my bedroom and the house. In fact, I wanted to snap my fingers and be transported to a familiar space. My space. That was impossible, and I was in no shape to see the positive side to anything, so I ran off to my grandma’s house. The next time, I will turn to my parents and share my thoughts with them. I am blessed to have parents that?try extremely hard to understand my complexities and emotional layers.?I will tell them what I need, and, together, we will come up with a solution. ?

WHY: We do not need to carry our burdens constantly. It is exhausting and unnecessary. Rather,?accept the love and patience as your loved ones hear you out. ?

Flow: It was easier to hold on to anger and reproach towards myself, my parents, and our traumatic?past that day. I resisted the urge to feel better and allow any positivity to enter my being. I think holding on to those feelings felt familiar and convenient. It was easier than understanding my feelings towards the massive change I have chosen in my life. The next time, I will flow with the laughter and banter of my parents around me. I will flow with the soulful looks from Coco. I will flow with my faith that the best yet to come. I will flow to be and not become. ?

WHY: Embrace rather than resist to get out of the darkness faster. ?

The above resources are only resourceful if I make frequent use of them. Sharing them with you is one way to hold myself accountable. If any of them resonate with you, then please make note of them. Write, save, or place them in a noticeable spot, so they serve a purpose on days when you are not coping as well as you typically do. ?

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All the best,?

Chaitni?