When Mismatched Libidos become a Problem!

One of the most common problems I see in my practice is couples struggling with mismatched libidos. It is natural for our sex drives to go up and down but bitterness often arises when one partner regularly wants less sex than he or she used to. Couples remember the early days when they met and fell in love. This period was the falling in love and lust stage, known as limerence, where both people feel intense euphoria and couldn’t keep their hands of each other.

This blissful state is due to a hormonal cocktail of oxytocin (the "bonding" chemical released during sex), dopamine (a pleasurable neurotransmitter), and elevated levels of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, all triggered by the sheer novelty of the relationship.

Unfortunately, this period only lasts from about six months to two or maybe three years. This intensity is impossible to maintain and when this limerence period is over and the couple settles down, any difference in sex drive the partners had before this time will be starting to show.

Desire Discrepancy

This desire discrepancy, as it is often called, does not generally reflect a lack of love but can lead to the questioning of sexual compatibility as a couple. The biggest part of the problem is that the person who wants sex more, always feels rejected by their partner. They may take it personally and begin to wonder if they are still attractive, not desired anymore, or maybe their partner has a lover.

Often, the issue is about the frequency of sex: one person would like to have sex three times a week and the partner would be content with once a week or fortnight. However the partner with the lower sex drive controls the frequency of sex – if she or he doesn’t want it, it generally doesn’t happen. This usually is not due to being nasty or a desire for power and control; because why would anyone want to have sex when they are not in the mood?

It is actually quite common for a couple to have different levels of desire. What are the chances that we meet somebody who satisfies all the requirements we want in a relationship and who also has the same sex drive?  

Loss of Libido

Loss of libido is not a problem we usually associate with men, on the contrary, there is a belief that men can’t get enough sex and are always ready to go, while women may “have a headache” or pretend to be asleep. However, some of my colleagues agree they are now seeing many more women who complain that their partners are not as interested in sex as much as they used to be.

A man’s sex drive can fluctuate for all the same reasons a woman’s can. He may be stressed, unhappy, tired because of having to work long hours. There may be lifestyle issues such as smoking, alcohol consumption and the use of medication for depression, high cholesterol, diabetes, and so on.

Pursuer-Distancer Cycle

When a couple doesn’t have the same sex drive, a vicious ‘pursuer-distancer’ cycle often begins. The partner with the higher sex drive becomes the pursuer, chasing the less-interested partner for sex. The pursuer keeps asking for sex, becomes irritated or angry when rejected and frequent arguments unfold.

The partner with the lower sex drive becomes the so called sexual distancer who tries to avoid sexual contact by going to bed early, is reluctant to hug or kiss as it may lead to sex, or picks a fight about something unimportant to create distance. This behaviour provokes the pursuer to chase even more – and the distancer becomes emotionally and sexually unavailable. They talk less, become less affectionate and the intimacy they used to have soon disappears. When the issue is not addressed, it can undermine the intimacy in the relationship which can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and sometimes even infidelity or divorce.

A man’s sex drive can fluctuate for all the same reasons a woman’s can. He may be stressed, unhappy, tired because of having to work long hours. There may be lifestyle issues such as smoking, alcohol consumption and the use of medication for depression, high cholesterol, diabetes, and so on.

Sexual Dysfunction

 Men don’t always realise these issues can affect their sexual functioning. If they suddenly experience erectile problems, premature or delayed ejaculation, they can become very reluctant to have sex and can acquire performance anxiety. They are often too embarrassed to tell their partners and they then become the distancers.

Women also may not realise that erectile problems can be due to health rather than desire and may take a partner’s avoidance of sex personally. They may question their attractiveness or wonder if someone else is involved. 

Good Communication

It’s my experience that couples often leave these issues unattended. I keep telling my clients that they can’t expect their partners to be mind-readers; they have to communicate better and tell each other when they believe there is a problem. Good communication is the most important thing in maintaining a healthy loving relationship.

This is often easier said than done, but to save your relationship, you may need some perspective, education and re-assurance from an outside source. After I wrote a blog about this topic some time ago I received an enormous amount of responses, some very sad.

There were comments from some very disillusioned men, who felt trapped and cheated. Some felt they couldn’t leave the relationship as they had children and did not want to lose them, so they were hanging in there unhappily. 

Comments

"I was going to send this article to my wife but I know it would inspire resentment, which revolves around the 'pressure' I place upon her. We are a classic example of the limerence issue, unable to discuss it because we end up fighting. I have given up pursuing sex as I am sick of rejection by the woman I love and lust after."

"As someone that is in a sexless relationship I can tell you the communication part is very hard. People take discussions on this subject very personally and both people rarely consider the impact of the situation on the other."

"Marriage is a social construct that only caters for the needs and wants of women. Sex is used as a tool to achieve the required result. Once married a man has few choices. Go without sex, cheat or leave. Regardless the man is either left unhappy, broke or both.”

"Women really seem to be the only winners in a marriage, especially when they deny sex to their husbands."

"I look forward to when my kids are a bit older so I can leave my wife and live my life in dignity."

But, it was not just the men who were hurting. Some comments by women included:

"I have been married four years and we are both in our early thirties so you would think that we would have a great sex life but unfortunately that is not the case. My husband has an almost total lack of sex drive, I have spoken to him which seems to cause even more stress on his already stressful job. I have tried to be understanding and supportive, suggested he see a doctor about his health or a sex therapist but he is not interested. We both would like kids but it takes two to tango".

"Libido is just an excuse. Many things get in the way of sex but people in relationship need to make an effort. Sometimes I don't particularly feel like it but I know it is important in a loving relationship so I make an effort and when I start I usually really enjoy it".

"I spent nearly 10 years of my life with little to no libido, but days after quitting hormonal birth control, I was like a horny teenager again."

"I would like a follow-up article that will give couples some methods to address mismatched libidos. I need more guidance provided than just to be told 'consult a sex therapist'. I am not asking for an article to replace a sex therapist but would like to receive more information and education of ways that might be explored."

The majority of the couples I speak to about their ongoing unhappiness because of these unresolved issues need practical information and common-sense strategies. When a couple acquires these skills and are they willing to work together, often a solution can be found. 

Developing empathy

To stop the pursuer-distancer cycle, it is important that one develops empathy for his or her partner's situation. Whether you are the pursuer or the distancer, it is important to stop blaming each other; both of you are missing out on a good sex life. Goodwill between partners is critical. When you forgive each other for past hurts and misunderstandings, you can start to improve your situation, but you have to change your attitudes and behaviours, and work together to re-establish intimacy.

The pursuer should make the effort to back off and try to improve the relationship by being understanding and caring. This, in turn, helps to re-establish better emotional connections and rebuild trust and closeness. The distancer should try to be more physically loving and affectionate. Show your partner that you are willing to make changes, which may encourage him or her to do the same. It is important to learn how to negotiate sex in a way that shows your partner that you care about his or her sexual needs.

It is not possible to give a one-size-fits-all answer to the comments. Every couple has different issues, but if there is still love, respect and especially goodwill in a relationship, it is worthwhile giving it another chance. Too often, clients come to see me when it is almost too late to heal the hurt and disappointments that have accumulated over so many years. Early intervention is ideal.

Michelle Weiner Davis

American sex therapist Michele Weiner Davis, author of the bestselling book The Sex-starved Marriage, spent years counselling couples with desire discrepancy and she found that it was usually the wife who was not that interested in sex. She is of the opinion that desire is a decision. She wrote: “You can’t just wait just for it to come, you have to make it happen”. Her message was “just do it”.

Weiner Davis said there was no point worrying about the reasons you are not interested in sex. Knowing won't boost your desire, but doing something about it will. Indeed, she says, you may end up enjoying it in the end. Weiner Davis was crucified at the time, for seemingly taking sides with men.

However, when a couple decides to marry or commit to a life together, there is a general understanding that they will work, entertain, cook, clean the house, look after the kids and have sex. All these activities need planning and take time. Maybe it is time for both men and women to change their thinking about what is more important, as sex often seems to be last of their priorities.           

CHAPTER 4 – of my book SEX DOWN UNDER