When Mentoring Turns to Abuse

Been in touch with a good friend for the past week.

She called me and asked a simple question.

“If I am learning, but at the cost of my mental health, is that abuse or being mentored?”

After a few hours of pulling out all the information that was pertinent, I realized it was a lot easier to determine if it was abuse or mentoring.

I walked her through the following list:

1. Are you able to sleep at night?
2. Do you feel good about yourself and your work performance?
3. Do you enjoy waking up and “going” to work (even if it’s the office in the spare bedroom)?
4. Are you constantly told how good you are, how much you contribute, and your value to the company?

If you answered “No”, to any of these, then there is an issue.

If you answered “No”, to 3 or 4 of these, you need to get out of there, right now!

And I say this to all of you who are reading this. Abuse is NEVER worth it. Abuse provides nothing but soul-sucking negativity. Abuse only gives the individual who is abusing you any feelings of “good” (and that is evil).

Every day I coach various professionals — from the CEO down to the administrative assistant. All experience abuse (you don’t think a c-suite executive is abused? Think mental abuse from the board, think sexual abuse from a co-worker (if the CEO is sexually abusing the COO, does that make it right?)).

Abuse sucks. And it hurts your feelings. But, abuse can be tolerated if the almighty dollar is attached to it. But even that only gets you so far. Yes, you can go to HR, you can go to your boss (if he/she isn’t the one abusing), and so forth. And yes, it may slow down, or even stop.

If you have the guts, you can go directly to the abuser, call them on their sh*t, and tell them (no, don’t ask) to stop. This works most of the times — unless the abuser has the protection of the company.

That’s what happened to my friend. She had a meeting directly with the abuser, with HR and her boss sitting in.

In a perfect, classic, abuser response, the abuser said this: “I’m sorry you feel this way. It was not my intention for you to think that you are worthless or stupid. It is just unfortunate that I have to tell you how to do your work, even if it is new to you. I thought you would be able to grasp things faster and work harder.”

So many things wrong. Passive aggressive. Abusive. Name calling. And so many other psychotic nuances.

Unfortunately, the abuser has the protection of the CEO and is allowed to abuse any employee that they want — which is all of them.

The company is not large enough to sue. And its turn over is almost 50% per year (the HR department hasn’t had someone stay longer than 90 days — I wonder why).

It was after the above meeting that my friend called me.

I told her to quit (the money was not a must-have — meaning she could still live off of her spouses salary for at least 3 years).

I told her to keep her sanity and quit.

I told her that no abuse, no matter if it is from a spouse or from a boss, is worth it and she needed to quit.

She didn’t and won’t quit.

Yet.

She is giving the company six months to change and then she will quit.

Yes, I told her that she has worked there for a year and the abuse has not changed — in tone or in severity. I told her that she has seen seven other employee’s quit, all within 90 days of starting, because of the abuse and that all seven couldn’t have just “not handled it”. That at least two of them realized that they were in a destructive environment and got the hell out!

She said no. That she felt guilty if she quit.

And that’s the point reader!

Hire young (my friend is young). Hire emotionally damaged individuals. Be passive aggressive. And you too can abuse your employee’s.

She’s a good friend. No, I haven’t turned my back on her. I will pick up the phone when she calls and say all the right things as she vents, cries, and screams. I have never and will never give up on someone that I know has potential to offer the world. This lady has it all and more — unfortunately, she can’t grow right now.

She doesn’t see it right now — but I know, when she gets into a position that has a boss that is willing to teach and mentor and support and not abuse, she will change the world around her.

Stop taking abuse. It is NEVER worth it.

And as for mentoring. You are not being mentored, and should never think you are, if you are being abused. Mentoring is about teaching, guiding — it is not about mentally putting down, or degrading, or humiliating.

This post, along with others about leadership, mentoring, and marketing, can be found here.