When The Mentor Learns From The Mentee

I haven’t spoken with a great many leaders I admire who have said, "I've learned everything I need to know.”

Instead, in my many conversations with leaders, I’m struck by how many of them embrace lifelong learning. It seems the best leaders are the ones who say, "I'm going to teach what I know. But that doesn't mean I know everything all of the time."

Still, if you’re in a position at the top of an organization, you may wonder how you can do just as much listening as talking while being seen as a leader. Assuming you want that answer, we’ll also assume that there are times that you will be fully willing to connect, be willing to shut up and listen. You’ve likely heard about the 80/20 Rule – which is that you listen 80% of the time and talk 20% of the time. That’s a smart position to take.

“Have you thought about that?”

It’s funny how a question that starts with “Have you thought about…” can unlock so much for another person who is stuck. As a business coach, I’ve put that question out there to my clients countless times because I suspect they haven’t thought about a particular aspect of their challenge, which can take the process down an entirely different path.

Yet, what happens if you, as the mentor, actually are the one who hasn’t thought about something?

Frankly, when I've had experiences with people that I’ve been coaching and mentoring, I will ask, “Well, have you thought about…” and I start getting answers to what I’m wondering they’ve thought about. But here’s where it gets interesting – often the answers take me to a place that I hadn't necessarily been before. So my experience is expanded and enhanced by the opportunity to listen to somebody respond to my questions as well.

One of the questions that I get asked sometimes is, "Well, is it appropriate for a mentor to be from another space or discipline than the mentee?” To which I ask: Are you managing or are you leading?

To the extent that you're telling somebody exactly how to move from step one to step two to step three, you need exact experience in what they're doing.

To the extent that you're helping somebody think about where they're going, how to deal with the situations they're encountering, the people they are encountering, the people they're reporting to, the people who are on their team and the people who they're leading, it does not have as much to do with what my domain of expertise is in relation to theirs.

For example, in one particular job where I was not an engineer, I still knew enough about what we were doing as part of the team to say to the engineers, "Have you thought about a different approach on how to drive the plan forward for what you want to accomplish?”

I've also had the benefit of being able to lead teams of people from all over the world, including Asia, Europe, South America and North America all at the same time. When you get into the cross-cultural dynamic, you ask questions because people on another side of the globe are approaching a perspective you had not really thought about. Then you add your two cents to see whether or not your perspective can add to theirs.

Working with people in closely held and family businesses, there is a notion that if you've seen one family business, you've seen one family business. Not true. The reality is that there are some commonalities, but when you start dealing with the personalities involved with the family businesses, you really end up going into a different space than you were perhaps thinking going in. It’s not a cookie-cutter situation. Even if there are two businesses that are in exactly the same industry, when you bring in the dynamic of the family, you bring in a totally different space.

Therefore, as a mentor, when I'm dealing with people within family and closely-held businesses, it's important for me to ask questions from the big picture. But it's also important for me to listen and learn about what the specific environment is that they're operating in, so that I can help them think through the types of things that they're doing and what they need to do in their environment in order to not only survive but prosper.

Years ago, I was sent to a leadership development class by my company, of which there were 30 other people. The very first question that the leader of the class asked was, "OK. So we've got two groups of people here today, whether or not you know it, and so what I want you to do is think about, are you here because you're a victim or are you here because you're a volunteer?"

"Let me just make sure that you understand. The victim is somebody, again, who was told by his company, by his organization that he had to come, that he had to do this. A volunteer is someone who sought out the opportunity to come and be mentored or be taught."

Much of this concept aligns with the mentor becoming the mentee and learning from others around you. Even though you may have been a victim and were told you had to mentor someone else, you can peel that part of the onion back and still take away some very positive things from the experience when you’re done. You find yourself enriched by the experience.

Even when I bring tools I’ve used time and time again with clients in this dynamic, I find they are constantly teaching me – even though I’m the one who is leading and guiding.

For example, I can state my Four Questions To Success, which are:

·     What's your long term?

·     What do you want to look like when you get there?

·     Where are you today?

·     How can I help you develop the path to get where you want to be?

The answers I will receive will cause me to learn new and fascinating things every time from every client. And no two client answers will ever be the same.

Spitulnik Advisors can help you steer your mentor-mentee relationships forward with a plan for management that encourages a highly satisfying exchange of ideas. Our work creates an opportunity for mentors and mentees to focus on both the goals of the company and the goals of the individual with mutual respect. In doing so, we’re transforming workers into emerging leaders and managers into Insightful Leaders. When it comes to the growth of family-owned and closely-held businesses, we don’t wing it. We plan for it. Discover our approach for yourself by calling 312.593.3181 or emailing [email protected].