When Men Are Free to Be Vulnerable

Hello Everyone! Welcome to On This Walk, a reflection on the winding journey of life in all its realness. We explore intimate, meaningful conversations as we reflect on pressing life questions, discuss both the tension points and choice points that can move us closer to our deeper, authentic lives.?

We try our best to find the paths that fill our lives with meaning, peace and connection. These paths begin within—exploring and balancing our inner landscape with awareness and compassion. Once connected deeply within, to our true nature, we seek to bring this essence and these gifts into our lives, relationships, and work, creating a life that feels aligned and authentic inside and out. Don’t think of me as a coach, guide, teacher, or mentor; I’m simply a walking partner sharing my experiences with you.

Be my walking partner for the day.?

At the beginning of my career, I organized what was at the time called a mastermind. Unlike the coaching programs that are out there today, this was a men’s group where you could show up to talk about what you were focused on, what you were working on, and the challenges you were encountering.?

There was a great deal of intimacy that developed among the men in this group. The kind of long lasting support we experienced was a lifeline not only for us, but for many men in similar groups who were struggling to find a place in today’s culture—a culture where men are not encouraged to talk about feelings or invest in strong male relationships.

But the truth is—we need each other. Reflecting in a group setting helps us see things that we wouldn’t otherwise have. It provides us with accountability. If we voice our unhappiness, we’re almost obligated to make changes.

For one particular group, I remember that after walking together for just over a year, every single member went through some form of quitting or career change. Through the support and accountability we had built for each other, each man was willing to face what was working (or not working) for us, our priorities (especially those that were in conflict), and the kind of the goals and the vision that we had set out for ourselves (which were evolving to be more congruent with who we wanted to become).?

It's difficult to come face to face with what’s not in alignment, what’s not serving you, and how you aren’t showing up in the way you wish to. And yet, once you see what isn’t working, it is even more difficult to unsee. Where would we be without our walks together? Would any of the men from our group make a career change? Maybe, but when you open yourself to a group like this, you realize you need to be honest with your fellow men, and that means being honest with yourself.?

I’ve seen that when men find a way of coming together, in a way that’s open and vulnerable, despite the harmful stereotypes of masculinity perpetuated in our world, we are able to connect with ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities in ways we never thought possible. This kind of vulnerability can be difficult with men, but that doesn’t mean we don’t crave it.

I know of times that I've been in conversation with a friend or two who also practice this work, and we're in deep conversation at the corner of a bar. Inevitably, a bartender or somebody who is sitting next to us will say:?

?“I couldn’t help but overhear you. Can I just ask you guys something?”?

When others sense that deeper form of connection, realness, and authenticity, they want to be a part of it. We want to continue to bring that out of ourselves: our soul, essence, core, consciousness, or however we want to refer to it.?

This intentionality has a generational impact. I begin to think of my son and I recognize in him an empathic young man, which doesn't always compute in society. As a father, I want to be able to encourage that, and I don't know if I could have done that 20 years ago. Before my work with vulnerability, I was living entirely “neck up,” tucking those emotions down deep and toughening up, like so many men before me.?

But now, instead, I am able to say to my son, “keep your feelings because that's your creativity, your connection, and your intuition.” There's so much that comes from him because he has that. That's not stuff that I would have known to encourage.

As bell hooks said in The Will to Change, “Ultimately boys and men save themselves when they learn the art of loving.” When we are free to be vulnerable, listen, and support each other, we are doing the necessary work of saving ourselves and each other.?

Want to keep the conversation going?

On episode 7 of On This Walk, we tap into that connection, realness and authenticity, as I talk with two men who have been part of this experience: Brendon Pardington, a father, husband, spiritual seeker, and men’s relationship coach, and Alex Neustein, an attorney, software developer and graphic designer who has been involved in men’s work for over four years.?

Until we go On This Walk again, be well.

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