When life gets too heavy, set it down.

Real talk. Social media and the parts of our lives we often choose to share with others is full of the highlight reels. Well, I'm about to show you the shit show side.

Yesterday, my load got too heavy. I woke up feeling like I had a hangover and I didn't drink anything the day before. My anxiety was high, my emotions were all over the board and I was showing physical symptoms of high amounts of stress. I was able to ward it off for a while by going to an appointment, laughing with a friend, and doing some grocery shopping. But a short amount of time into my shopping trip I started to spiral. That became abundantly clear when I realized I wasn't shopping for ingredients, I was throwing prepackaged meals and junk food in my cart because the thought of turning ingredients into something for my family added to the overwhelming feelings I was already having. My cart looked like you unleashed a six-year-old. I barely remember checking out and loading my groceries, I'm sure I was acting strangely.

I got in my car and started driving the 20 minutes home. That's when things took a turn for the worse. By the time I was making the final turn to my house I was talking myself off the edge of a panic attack. I remember nothing about the drive home except the internal conversation I had with myself about the damage I would do if I let the panic attack happen and wrecked my car. I drove into the garage, slammed the car into park, and rushed into the house in tears. My kids were home virtual learning and I managed to make enough sense to make them understand I needed some time alone and they needed to unload the groceries.

I ran to my room and collapsed on my bed, again using every technique I've ever learned to keep myself from a panic attack. I eventually made my way to the kitchen and made some decisions I'm not proud of. I drank and ate my way through the rest of the day in my room hiding from my everything. The amount of food and types I ate coupled with the alcohol I washed it down with is something I'm not proud of. I know for sure if there wasn't a pandemic happening I would have found myself at the closest bar running up a tab like it was my 21st birthday party. It's especially hard to type this out for the world to read knowing full well the people who will be judging me because of it.

But you know what, those people can kindly go f themselves.

I left my phone in my car in the garage, turned on the funniest light-hearted show I could think of, and began doing everything in my power to just keep myself from spiraling. I kept telling myself over and over I just need a day to put down the load, just one day of rest. Tomorrow I'll be able to pick it back up and carry on, but today I just need a break. I spent my day and the rest of the night watching things that made me laugh, taking a break from being mom, wife, and businesswoman. I set it all down and acted in ways I'm not proud of. But guess what, everyone survived.

It's 5 am the morning after and I'm already feeling better. Not good, not better as in fixed but better as in the load doesn't feel crushingly heavy today. I don't know how the rest of the day is going to go but I have a feeling it's going to be an improvement over yesterday.

I shared this story for a couple of reasons. I want everyone who is reading this to know that it's ok to set your load down and rest. I truly believe we are all going through some form of trauma right now. The lasting effects of 2020 won't be truly felt until we're on the other side of it. Every day every decision feels like you are making life and death life choices. Everywhere we turn there's doomsday like news and people are literally filled with hate. It's all too much to expect any one person to carry without a break.

The world will continue turning if you stop and relieve yourself of the burden for an hour, a day, or even a week. Don't be a hero and drown under the load because you're scared to stop and set it all down. Everyone who loves you needs you. Don't be afraid to tell them they can live without you for a day to ensure they don't have to live without you for a lifetime.

Today I'll sit my kids down and explain to them what they witnessed. I won't hide from the ugly because someday they too are going to need to set their load down and I want them to know it's ok. I want them to know I've been there, and I'll pick up as many of their burdens as I can while they rest. I will try to make them see there's no shame in stopping to rest. I will let them know my methods of survival for yesterday were not healthy or recommended (and not something to continue doing long term), but they are the only thing I could cling on to keep myself from drowning so there's no shame in them either. Today I'm going to focus on healthy ways of caring for myself. I'm going to plan out ways to put the load down before it takes me out at my knees like it did yesterday.

Just as I want my kids to know this, I also want anyone who is reading this to know it too. Set the load down, let go of the shame, and forgive yourself for clinging on to whatever life preserver you find. It's not permanent, you're not quitting or failing, you're simply resting. If you ever feel like the load is too much and you need to lay it down at someone else's feet, my door is open. I'll drink and eat junk food with you, I'll watch movies that make us laugh until our sides hurt, I'll sit in silence and listen to you ugly cry, I'll do whatever it is you tell me you need. Come through my door and leave those burdens on the other side.

Please do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself to tomorrow. Do it without shame or guilt, do it for those who love and need you. Set it all down. And before you get back up and carry on, purge your load of anything not absolutely necessary, you can always come back for it later.