When Least Expected

It happens when you least expect it–the memories that transport you back to a time and a place and bring the emotions that stop your breath and steal your chest. It could be anywhere, anytime, brought about by anything–a sound, a smell, a song. I least expected it last Saturday night at the “Summer of ‘99” tour featuring Creed, 3 Doors Down, and Finger Eleven. Kelly and I received the tickets as a Christmas gift from my brother and sister-in-law, Tony and Amy.?

I must confess, I think Creed is ok, and though I like 3 Doors Down, neither of them makes my list of the three bands I’m taking on my stranded island (you know, the exercise where you consider which three bands and their catalogs you get to listen to for the rest of your life with no other music). But I liked them both enough. I bought a Creed CD in ‘99 and drove my Ranger Buddies crazy playing “What’s This Life For” on repeat. The song resonated. What can I say? Many of the songs from these two groups resonated for me at that time in my life. But I forgot about that. Until I remembered. And it all came rushing back when I least expected it.?

It was the first two lines of “Here Without You” that struck.??

A hundred days have made me older.

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.

A thousand lies have made me colder.

And I don’t think I can look at this the same.

By the time the chorus played, I could no longer sing. I was stunned, transported thousands of miles away and 20 years back, laying on my cot in Bagram, staring at the roof of our tent in my Ranger panties (short shorts), thinking about Kel. I could feel my sleeping bag sticking to my back with the sweat and the heat of the desert air. I used to sleep naked–a small comfort of home–until the night we got rocketed, and I ran to the wall to return fire in my body armor, helmet, and kit, stopping short to account for the boys and realizing that my privates (and not the ones who reported to me) were exposed. I slept in my shorts thereafter.?

But all the miles that separate.

They disappear now when I’m dreaming of your face.?

Laying in that cot, I could see the gold and yellow Sony Discman sitting against my leg with the faded, fuzzy earphones–the one I bought used because that’s what we could afford. The same Discman I had the day I got chased down by a pack of Sergeants Majors on Bagram for running while listening to music. They scolded, “You can’t run with earphones in!” I was confounded and asked, “Wait…but why?” “Because it’s unsafe!” They said.??

I saw the row of cots. I saw Mike, Tony, and Jon. I saw all the nights we watched Band of Brothers together, and the night we watched Hamburger Hill (and then switched to Rom Coms thereafter). I saw Mike, Pete, and Matt…and Paul, and Don, and Chris, and Victor, and Von, and Chris. And Cesar. And I remembered it was his 3 Doors Down CD that I borrowed.?

I saw the little shelf I built into the tent wall. The one that had my photo albums and notebooks. The one that had the photos of Kelly and Jaden that came in the heart-patterned bubble wrap on Valentine’s Day. The same bubble wrap I wrapped my optic in when we jumped OBJ Raptor and set up a C-130 runway on a dried-out lakebed for insertion and extraction of another SOF element.?

But I mostly saw Kel. And I closed my eyes and felt the earphones against my skin. I could see her in my mind with my eyes closed.??

I’m here without you, baby.?

But you’re still on my lonely mind.

I think about you, baby.

And I dream about you all the time.?

And I cried, remembering how it felt to be so far away from Kelly back in Afghanistan while pulling her close and feeling her head on my shoulder at Fiddler's Green. It passed as quickly as it came. And I was back at the concert with the music and the moment. I didn’t see it coming. But I’m glad it did. I thanked God. Tony came over and hugged me with tears in his eyes. And we enjoyed a beautiful show together.?

I've reflected on this brief moment ever since and appreciate that we never know when these things will hit. It comes when you least expect it. But it doesn’t always come to haunt us. Especially after all these years of work and faith. Especailly after a lot of love and grace.?

Whatever comes today, when you least expect it, I pray you may move through it with grace. And I pray that you know you are loved, regardless of what that smell, that sound, or that song brings with it.