When Was the Last Time You Really, Truly Listened?

Question of the week: When was the last time you really, truly listened?

I used to think that movements were these really big, full expressions of just about anything - ideas, music, business, people. Like rallies, crusades forums that tackle culture-shifting topics. They’re almost too big to grasp. In many cases, that’s true. BUT. They’re also really simple. They’re one person tuning in to a gut feeling, and taking the responsibility to do something about it. How any one business or idea got anywhere was most likely because of one person.

It’s a simpler than that though. I think it’s fair to say that movements happen when one person chooses to listen.

Listening is a damn hard thing to measure. It’s also become a rare and mysterious skill. In America, especially, we’ve morphed into creatures with two mouths and one ear oddly reminiscent of a character from The Phantom Tollbooth.

Listening is actually a three-dimensional experience because it requires two additional skills: paying attention and seeking to understand. The three optimize and support together. It’s listening that opens the door to the other two, and all that’s possible.

This is all true for one of the business world’s favorite words these days - ecosystems. In the early 20th century, we started to use the word ecosystem to describe how nature cycles and flows. Really, how nature listens to and for itself.

As excited as we are today about ecosystems, we’ve always been thrilled by what they make possible. Our primal fascination with the most breathtakingly fresh meadow or awe-inspiring coral reef proves that.

Ecosystems work to their fullest potential and expression when we let each player be exactly who she is. We get there by listening and creating the space to listen to each other.

Today, we crave these cool conversations about digital, fast-paced ecosystems. But my hope in the glitz and glamour of orchestrating these ecosystems, we remember to listen. I want to know who is at the table, what matters to them, how did they get here, why do they care. It's become an important skill to how our company does business, interacts with people, produces work.

One of my favorite mentors, Leighton Ford, who has spent 30 years mentoring younger evangelists, pastors, and ministry leaders, opened up his weekly newsletter this week with a good question: “We all know great speakers. How many great listeners do we know?” He went on to add that at the core of a mentoring relationship is listening to God together. It’s absolutely true in the context of his impact - and it's good advice to any line of work, business, or team. When we listen together, we better understand who is at the table and the value and perspective they each bring. Ecosystems thrive when each contributor is heard and respected. Even more so, when they’re given the space to flourish wildly for who she is.

We only get there by listening. Which might be the grandest - and yet simplest - movement of all. 

Drew Chin is the Founder and CEO of Attuned To, a coaching org committed to helping clients create new action through awareness. I met Drew over ten years ago when we both worked for lululemon - truth be told, my first conversation with him was right there at the front of a lululemon store for close to an hour, a true testament to talking and listening, I think.

On Drew’s current coaching website under the heading ‘Why do we exist?’, he answers: To listen. Ask questions. Create reflections. He’s referring to his coaching style, of course, BUT - and not to get too woo-woo - it’s a very good answer for life too, I think.

We talked listening (#ironic) with Drew recently. 

ms: How does listening shift, change, transform relationships and interactions?

dc: Listening shifts power dynamics from taking and/or claiming power to sharing power; it’s listening that builds trust because the person communicating finds that they are being listened to or heard.

ms: Why is listening critical to how we do business?

dc: Listening gives direction, clarification, and focus. It is an essential ingredient to negotiating, brainstorming, resolving conflict, setting direction, inspiring others, and coaching. 

ms: How do we start to listen to pay attention better? (Is better even the right word?

dc: Writer and speaker Stephen Covey said it well: “Seek to understand, then to be understood.” Understand the difference between simply waiting to talk versus trying to focus on what others have to say before sharing your perspectives. 

ms: What's possible when we choose to listen?

dc: So much becomes possible! New options unfold, greater clarity is achieved, and alignment sends us into action.

ms: What are some quick tips for listening to put into practice today? 

dc: 

1. WAIT = Why Am I Talking; this is what someone needs to say to themselves before going into the conversation; if the intent is to listen, then Why Am I Talking should really be to ask more questions than tell answers. This is meant to be a powerful tool to create space for others to talk; hence, WAIT for others to fill the silence, then you go. 
2. Ask a question, but don’t think of your answer to that question - and don’t share your answer. Then force yourself to ask a follow-up question.
3. Let others go first - and fully. 

Here are a handful of truth sparks (ts) about listening for this week:

ts 1. Did you know: The word listen comes from the Old English hlysnan which means ‘pay attention to’; it comes from Germanic origin. (Hint: When doing researching, I always go back to the root of a word to get to the core of a message - try it.)

ts 2. This work, ‘Generous Listening’ (featured on one of the best programs ever, On Being) is a piece by Marilyn Nelson who is professor emerita of English at the University of Connecticut and a former chancellor of the Academy of American Poets. 

The last line is a really good question for anyone in any line of work, business, industry, team - I also think it flips the script on whether the word generous means giving or receiving in this context.

ts 3. Singer-songwriter Rod McKuen wrote ‘Listen to the Warm’ in 1967. It’s both a song and a book of poetry. It’s a different play on the word (or feeling?) of listening. Here’s the song ‘Listen to the Warm’ for anyone else who likes to listen to 60s on 6. (Or is that just me?) 

Did you miss the last edition of capital T truth? Well, here ya go.

PSST! I shared similar thoughts about listening and ecosystems for the Global Peter Drucker Forum Blog in July 2019 in case you’d like to read similar things in a diff context. 

Refresher: The newsletter's title is a h/t to one of my favorite lines in David Foster Wallace's This is Water. Go read it.