When Kids Push Our Buttons: Why Connection Matters More Than Control

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I hate being told what to do.

I suppose many people share this sentiment. Perhaps it’s because I’m a stubborn Aries. As a child, I remember the pure resentment I felt whenever I was told to do anything. I was a certified people-pleaser back in the day, so I would ultimately comply—but I sure wasn’t happy about it. Academics were the one area where I felt I had some control. I was a solid B and C student in elementary school, especially in grades 3-5. My grades were just good enough to avoid harsh punishment but still warranted stern conversations at every report card.

My parents tried every motivational tactic they could think of: threats, treats, toys, being nice, being stern—nothing really worked. What I really wanted was control over my life.

Remember, behavior is always communication. Children often try to exert control in various ways—being picky with food, refusing bathroom breaks, or resisting bedtime or other routines. When there’s no medical or developmental explanation for a behavior, we should ask ourselves: What need is this child expressing? Often, the need is for connection.

And here’s the tricky part: when your child is disobeying you, connection is probably the last thing on your mind. But trust me, that’s exactly what’s needed in those moments. Through their behavior, your child is essentially saying, “I need to know I matter to you!” Children are still learning how to regulate their emotions, and they need adult support as they navigate the ups and downs of simply being human.

So how do we connect with children when they’re pushing our buttons? According to Conscious Discipline, there are four key elements of connectedness: eye contact, touch, presence, and playfulness. In today’s digital age, our phones often compete for our attention. Even when we’re physically present with our children, are we truly connected?

Here are some real-life examples of how you can practice connection with children in your day-to-day life:

• During a tantrum: Instead of immediately trying to stop the behavior, get down on your child's level, make eye contact, and say, “I see you’re upset. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” This shows them that their feelings are valid and that you’re present.
• At bedtime: Create a calming routine that includes a few minutes of undivided attention—whether it's reading a story, singing a lullaby, or just talking about their day. This consistency builds trust and connection.
• When setting boundaries: ?Instead of simply saying “no,” try to explain the reason behind your decision. For example, “I understand you want to play more, but it’s time for bed because your body needs rest to grow strong.” This helps children feel respected and understood.

Parenting and working with children requires a great deal of self-reflection and regulation. It's tempting to take the easy road—resorting to spanking, yelling, or other immediate reactions when a child’s behavior challenges us. But those quick fixes often miss the deeper issues at play. The harder, yet far more impactful, path is to confront our own internal monologue about children's behavior.

When a child acts out, it can feel personal, like a battle of ME vs. YOU. But often, their behavior isn’t about defiance or disrespect. It’s about WE—our relationship, our connection. Children’s actions frequently stem from a need for reassurance that they belong, that they are seen, heard, and valued within the family or classroom.

Instead of asking, “Why is my child doing this to me?” try shifting your perspective to, “What is my child trying to tell me about us?” This change in mindset can be a game-changer. By focusing on connection rather than control, you’re more likely to find solutions that foster mutual respect and understanding rather than further division.

For further reading on connection with children, check out these resources:

• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
• Little Humans, Big Emotions by Lauren Stauble and Alyssa Blask Campbell
• Check out these creators for more really amazing content about connection with children: Mr. Chazz, Destiny
• Lastly, check out my podcast episode with Gabriel Hannans aka, the Indomitable Black Man for more on Conscious Discipline and Gentle Parenting.

Ultimately, my grades only improved when I found my own motivation (I’ll dive more into that next week!). But what I truly craved during that time was connection. I wanted to feel seen and valued by my grownups—because at the end of the day, isn’t that what we all need?

Peace & Love,

Brittney

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