When kids meet

[This article was written yesterday, yet I choose not to set it to past tense, in order to let the reader dive into the feeling...]

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Today nothing special happened... Tons of mixed feelings.. Frustrations and love, hate and compassion, tiredness and mistrust, gratefulness and disappointment... Paradoxes all the way...

Until late afternoon...

I still don't know what and if something changed. All I know is that I'm writing. I'm taking thoughts out of my head and fill blank rows with them, in hopes I'll make room for something better to come.

But, what happened in the late afternoon today?

...

Rush and love, excitement and childhood...

Why?

I attended my elder kid's kindergarten year-end celebration... Poems and songs, trembling voices and tears, appreciation and hope... The kids did so well, eventually... And I'm really proud of my own little one!

As a reward, I took both my princesses to a special playground, with surprises and lots of fun. The elder one took me to the ladies room, at some point. You'll be surprised, but that particular moment triggered this article...

You see, those wide mirrors never miss a detail. While hands were being cleaned, the reflection of 4 eyes met. The mirror was the witness and time stopped for a second, while I was gazing at my kid. Literally gazing! And literally stopped! As, suddenly, I recalled a question someone asked me a few days back:

"What would you tell the younger you?"

I felt obliged to let compassion take me over. I felt the adoration of my kid rushing through my veins and I felt compassion for myself. While I was hugging my daughter with my eyes, I  hugged the kid in me, with my thoughts. I was proud that my kid was happy, yet her happiness awoke regret for the moments I lost and will never come back, to right the wrongs...

Selfish? Not at all! It was an "aha" kind of moment. It was the moment I realized and deeply thought to myself: I hope I'll be able to give my born kids whatever my inner kid missed! I always thought I was surrounded by warmth. But that's all I knew as a kid. I had nothing to compare it with. And I thought I was happy... Yet, when adulthood strikes and self-analysis comes to aid, the most incredible discoveries emerge. We come to understand a few reasons that had determined our failures and the fact that inherited ideas/ habits hurt - we carry something that was never actually ours; when we take the self-development road, we choose to understand instead of judging; but we can also fall into the void of depression, if we lose control over our brains.

Going back to the story...

Then, I remembered a woman's warm voice talking to me, like no one did before, even if we spoke for the first time:

"Now, forgive yourself for having had expectations and being disappointed with your experience as a youngster! Give yourself the love you lacked and forgive the people who, due to different reasons, were unable to supply it to you! Let the negative feelings flow and move away. Now, give yourself a chance to start again!"

That was the first time I hugged myself in my mind. Today... Was the second...

I love my kids, don't judge me! I'm in love with them, to be sincere. Yet, at times, my inner child asks for compassion, as well. And, now that I found the importance of loving that child, the connection with my daughters will only grow stronger... People say that, in a few years, the 3 of us will be walking as if we were all sisters - not mother and children. God help me accomplish that!

The evening went on for a bit longer and we finally got home. Exhausted, but grateful that the day was almost over...

Then... Just before bedtime, the younger daughter of mine taught me another lesson. Well, better said, she put me in touch with my inner child again...

While listening to a sun-cream commercial, she started singing it. When I looked at her, she stopped.

I asked: "Why did you stop, little monkey?"

She answered: "Because I'm afraid to sing for you."

That saddened me to the core, as I know how bad I wanted to sing. And I did drive all my neighbors crazy. And I still do ?? I still dream I'll sing someday... Though I know I can't get anywhere close to on an auditions' stage... The time when I needed support is long gone. My dream is still alive, but my self-trust, in this extent, is dead.

But her... giving me that answer... was like a knife into my soul. I knew I would do whatever it takes to pay attention to my kids' talents and support them, by all means.

I, now know that, by lacking what I needed the most and by practicing self-discovery, I will help my kids follow their dreams.

And I'll forgive myself one day... For not being given a chance...

Love, A.