When It's Time To Taser The Interviewer

So you know the feeling all too well. You walk into a room all prepped to be interviewed for a job (the same is true of any sales call, by the way), and you can tell right off the bat that empowered ass on the other side of the table has written you off in five minutes....sometimes less.

How can you tell? Well, you just can. There are vibes in the air. Spider webs hanging all over the ice-cold conversation. A smirk on the arrogant adversary's face that says it all.

But you're there for a job or to make any other kind of sale (yes, interviewing for a job is pitching a sale), so you go through the motions like a good little automaton, trying to make the brick wall of a person see that you have merit. That you will contribute to the business. That your product or service is a winner. And yet throughout, all they want to do is make you squeam --- and you dutifully comply.

But I say (and do) reverse engines and launch a 180. Once you know that the straight and narrow is a lost cause, why go along with the interviewer's pathetic little power play. It's taser time--not the electronic weapon of course, but using the electricity of your brain and self respect to put Bart Simpson in a suit in his place.

Here's how I suggest you play your hand:

Bart:

"I can't put my finger on it directly, but it seems to me that your background is not a perfect fit here."

Mr/Ms. Taser:

"I've tried to demonstrate my value but if you feel that way, I guess I should be going?"

Bart (who loves watching you sweat):

"No reason for that. We still have half an hour. I don't want to be rude." (That's all he's been.)

Taser:

"OK if I ask you a few questions then?"

Bart:

"Of course. Whatever you like." (What Bart means is whatever you like that flatters him, but no way you're riding on that one-way road to nowhere.)

Taser:

"Does ABC Co. offer great opportunity for promotion from within?"

Bart:

"That is absolutely central to our culture. (Bart has a PhD in corporate buzzwords. That's Kool-Aid in the cup he's drinking.)

Taser:

"How long have you been with the company?"

Bart:

I'm proud to say going on a decade now. In fact, I am receiving my Decade Of Loyalty Club pin next week. Can't wait."

Taser:

"Oh wow, congratulations. But your card says 'Assistant Manager Of Small Parts Purchasing.' I guess it takes a great deal of time to make it to the executive ranks?"

Bart:

(Red faced/reeling) "Let's keep this interview about you."

Taser:

"I thought you said I wasn't a good fit for the company. It's taken you ten years to be an assistant whatever and you knew I was wrong for the opportunity (is 'opportunity' the right word?) in minutes."

Bart:

"Well there's just something..."

Taser:

"Look, I know you have a big job buying all of those small parts, so I don't want to take any more of your time."

Bart:

"No hard feelings?"

Taser:

"Of course not. I'm not even giving up. I may not be right for you, but I plan to write to a full manager here for a position. Maybe even to a VP."

Bart:

"I wouldn't try that!"

Taser:

"Of course, I know that full well. Adios, and have a wonderful day. Wear the pin proudly."

So what does this gain? Well, in most cases nothing but preserving your dignity and that's worth more than awards for political correctness. And more important, whenever you face down a bully with spine, cracks in the system open up. They don't always go in your favor, of course, but I always take the five percent over an asinine ride into Simpson Land.