When It's The Boss That Is Doing The Gossiping

Why do people gossip?

Well, they say people gossip to bond with their peers, entertain themselves, exchange information, and vent emotions. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science found that people gossip for about 52 minutes daily. And while it may seem like a normal part of staying in the “know,” there are psychological reasons we tend to speak behind other people’s backs.

However, when we think about gossip, we tend to think about friends, peers, or subordinates. So, what if the one's who are doing the gossiping is the boss?

Leaders Need Intimacy Too

Many people forget that leaders are also human. They crave a sense of intimacy with the individuals they work with or people they supervise. They tend to voice this with their peers and others when they feel they don’t belong. Leaders tend to forget that when two (including yourself) or more people know your concerns, it’s not a secret, and it will more than likely get back to those you are speaking about.

Insecurity

Another issue is that some leaders can be insecure. If a leader cannot stop criticizing their peers, it is a good sign that they are also hypercritical of themselves. The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder you will be to others. It goes both ways. People who don’t feel the need to gossip about others are sure of themselves or have found a healthier way to cope with their frustrations about others.

Jealousy

A third issue people may know internally but can’t bring themselves to admit is jealousy. A study showed that supervisors feel envy toward employees who they see as “having strong social skills with leaders in their community, strong education and licenses/certifications, demonstrates leadership potential, close relationships with senior management, or is seen as a source of innovative ideas.” So it exists and it does occur more often than you think.

Jealousy often fuels gossip, allowing one to express resentment or frustration towards those we perceive as having what we desire. It can be over your lifestyle, education, credentials, or what you do on your off time. Gossiping about others’ achievements or possessions may also serve as a coping mechanism to alleviate feelings of inadequacy or inferiority. Yes, leaders can and are often jealous of their subordinates. Gossiping about those we envy can provide temporary satisfaction or superiority, offering a way to confront our jealousy indirectly.

Here is what leaders who feel this way need to remember.

When you gossip as a leader, it will more than likely get back to your peer(s) or subordinate(s). You may not be aware of it, but what I can tell you is that it will ruin your creditability. If they are aware that you are talking about them behind their backs to others, then it will affect how they communicate with you. More importantly, it will impact the effort they put into helping you because you have lost their trust and respect. You will see their attention to detail, drive, and effort decrease because of it, and they may never even tell you why.

As a leader, you have a credibility bank. It is an incredibly valuable asset, yet many people seldom even think about checking their bank statements. Every time you do what you say you will, you make a small deposit into your credibility bank. Every time you fail to keep a commitment, you make a very large withdrawal from your bank. That might not be fair either, but that, too, is just how it goes.

When you gossip about the people you work with, you are making a withdrawal from your credibility bank. The surprising thing is that you hurt your reputation with the person you are gossiping with in the conversation. Keep this exciting fact in mind: the person you are gossiping with today will likely be gossiping about you tomorrow.?

When your reputation includes gossiping, your credibility bank takes a big hit.?

What To Do If Someone Is Talking Behind Your Back

If you find out someone is talking behind your back, the first thing you should do is take a pause and process that information. Do not be guided by your emotions, because you will act in the same manner they did with you. Determine if the information you are finding out is first, second, third, or even fourth-hand. Focus on the situation’s positive aspects and shift your perspective.

Next, and this is the challenging part: Sleep on it.

1. Collect your thoughts and words. See if you feel the same way you did the previous day.
2. Approach the individual, and do not be afraid to do so, even if it is your superior.
3. Handle the conversation calmly without being disrespectful.

Remember, you also have a reputation, and those who look up to you are watching you and how you handle any situation.

The critical next step is to ask questions. By asking questions, you allow the individual to present additional information. After all, there is one side and the other side, and the truth is in the middle. I have learned that making statements is closed-ended, and by doing so, the person who often looks like the fool is you because you levied accusations without hearing their version. You may find that your anger is either with the wrong person or that what was said may have been misinterpreted.

You can also take the time to get to know each other. The gossip may have been driven by perception, ego, jealousy, insecurity, or the need to belong. Boundaries can be agreed upon by learning more about each other, and mutual respect will grow.

Lastly, in some cases, you may even choose to ignore the gossip and not give it unnecessary attention, as rumors often fade over time. Reaffirm your own resilience, knowing that the actions of others do not define your worth or character. You are above and beyond the reach of nasty rumors.

• You can’t control whether or not people talk about you behind your back.
• You also can’t control what others say.

However, if you are the boss and the one gossiping, you are responsible for getting to know your people; this aids in preventing bias. If you have an issue or concern, you should bring it to your employee(s) attention. When you would rather talk about your employees instead of talking to them about your concerns or what is bothering you, it is a failure of your ability to lead.

Remember that your goal is to build the trust and credibility of those you lead, not tear them down.