WHEN TO INTERJECT WHILE LISTENING

Communication is never one way. Even if you are a perfect listener, you need to talk. As Aristotle said – “Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.”

Similarly, anyone interjects a speaker or stay silent throughout the conversation but a good listener is the one who knows when and how to interject. In this article, you will learn about when you may interject and when you shouldn't.

Be careful with your words. Once they are said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten - Carl Sandburg.

If your talk falls into one of the following two categories then do not interject

1- Judgemental

If your sentence will make the listener feel judged, then don’t speak. Realising she (Applicable to both genders, it’s just for my writing convenience) is being judged, she will start closing. Even if she continues speaking after being judged, her talk may get defensive or diplomatic. You will never know the entire story. Avoid reaching a conclusion just based on the initial story; even if you do, do not share right away. Be open and listen to the entire story as your initial judgment may change after knowing the entire story. 

“When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself” - Earl Nightingale

2- Advising

Only when she specifically asks, give advice or else avoid  No matter how perfect the solution is, it’s your solution, not hers, so she will rarely apply it. I have often been guilty of this. Just because she is sharing a problem, it does not mean she wants a solution. She might just want to share. Even if she is looking for advice, unless you don’t understand the topic completely, you won’t be able to give an appropriate advice. Therefore never interrupt her to give advice.The moment you start advising,  it might convey that you are not interested in her feelings.

Giving unnecessary advice comes from too much self-importance, and has less to do with the care for other people. Also, to make sure that advice comes out as a smart one, your focus will be on formulating the advice and thus reducing the focus on listening.

My best tip is not to give a tip unless you are directly, explicitly asked for one – Jill Herzig

If your talk falls into next two categories, then please do speak.

1- Motivation

A person, while talking, is always subconsciously trying to confirm whether you are interested in listening or not. Therefore by your motivating words, the person will be assured of your interest.

Motivating can be done in two ways – non-verbal and verbal

1- Non-verbal - It comes mainly from body language and eye contact.

Body language - While listening, always have an open body language - face the speaker directly and don’t cross your hands or legs. Don’t keep any barrier in between – handbag, coffee mug, laptop etc.; they may be kept on a side, but not in the centre. Nod frequently.

Eye contact - Eye contact varies from culture to culture. But in general, while listening maintain eye contact at least 70% of the time. Eye contact indicates that you are interested. Make sure your eye contact is gentle and not comes out as staring.

Initially, if you are uncomfortable in making an eye contact with eyes and looking at position, then keep shifting your gaze in the triangle as suggested by Kara Ronin -  If you feel a bit awkward staring into someone else’s eyes, try this little trick: Draw an imaginary inverted triangle on the other person’s face around their eyes and mouth. During the conversation, change your gaze every five to 10 seconds from one point on the triangle to another. This will make you interested in the conversation.

2- Verbal

This comes by saying words like hmm, share more, really etc. This would motivate her to share more. Sometimes asking questions helps to elaborate. While asking questions, remember that it’s the speaker’s topic, the focus should not be shifted to any other topic.

Your objective is to help the speaker focus more on her topic. To support that, sometimes, you may need to not just encourage her to elaborate, but also to go deeper on some particular topic. Asking open-ended questions will help you to do that. Remember, whenever you ask open-ended questions, a person may take time to answer. So, be patient and give time to reflect and reply. In the following conversation, you will realise that after asking a question (1:46 a.m.), she took a couple of minutes to reply. At that time avoid interjecting and give the person the required time.

Asking these type of questions helps the speaker go deeper and thus, will motivate her to share more.

2- Revision

In professional life, while discussing an important topic, have a habit of making notes. It does not just keep you focused, but in case of you forget something, you can always refer back. But many times, it happens, you get distracted and fail to listen to some sentences, say sorry and ask the points to be repeated. Don’t be embarrassed to do that.

When it comes to sensitive topics, it may happen that you listened to everything and can recollect it but your understanding was not perfect. Therefore always paraphrase, to ensure you on the same page. In the above conversation of the girl being angry because husband not being on time, you will reach the conclusion that because of the past, she gets angry quickly. 

Sharing your understanding is important because the same experience might lead to a different conclusion for different people.

Therefore, whenever you have the urge to interrupt the person, please pause and think whether it will motivate the person to speak more, or will help you to paraphrase. If it does fall in any of these cases, preferably don’t speak interject the speaker.

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