When intention is not clear

Difficulties with interpreting intention when speaking with neurodivergent colleagues.

Neurodivergent people’s idea of communicating well is quite different to that of the PNT or neurotypical population.

A few years ago, my son got into a bit of trouble at school. He had been speaking to one of his teachers who he normally got on very well with, and during one of their regular conversations, had told the teacher that he considered they were overweight and to be more careful about their diet.

He was quite young when he said this, so he could be forgiven on that level, but his neurodiversity gave this interaction an additional context that of communicating through the lens of autism. Unfortunately, his diagnosis came two years after this conversation. She was a reasonable woman and normally quite empathetic when it came to tolerating what were then considered eccentricities and quirkiness.

The teacher decided to go to the head and complain about what my son had said to her. It's interesting to also note that he had not laughed or said that statement in a mocking fashion. He had simply told the teacher what he saw. He did not label the teacher as “fat” – he had simply said what he had seen in front of him. The teacher was in fact overweight; larger than an average person who quite clearly carried extra weight. This is merely a visual observation; it does not mean to apportion blame or accuse the teacher of not looking after their health. It is what anyone would notice if they were in the teacher's presence.

In the PNT (neurotypical) community, we're so used to hiding behind pleasantries that we don't even think about what is true versus what is not. A PNT child, at least one with a modicum of EQ (emotional intelligence) would know in their heart of hearts that the teacher in question was overweight. A lie detector would reveal this if an observer was asked “would you consider this person to be overweight or not?” If the person answered no, this would be flagged as a lie, no doubt.

At this stage, it's worth revisiting the intention question: what was the intention of the child when he made this statement? Did he intend to hurt or humiliate the teacher? In this case, and in the case of most neurodivergent children, the answer would be a resounding no. Many neurodivergent people do not understand a PNT habit of telling white lies to save someone's feelings or to make them feel better.

If you think about this, it actually makes a lot of sense. How does lying about something that is so blatantly true help the person or persons affected? Surely it is better that the person acknowledge their state of overweightness in order to do something about it, make a change to their lifestyle to improve their health outcomes now and in the future. No one says it's easy to take; who wants to be told that they're overweight? No one.

I'm sure the teacher already knew that they were carrying extra weight, hence their angry reaction and need to retaliate by reporting the child to the head teacher. If he had said something that was untrue or that they believed to be untrue, e.g. “you have two heads”, they would simply have dismissed it and carried on with the lesson as normal. The teacher would certainly not report this new finding to the head teacher.

What this story clearly demonstrates is the incorrect perception of autistic honesty that is regularly considered to be cover for rudeness, vindictiveness, or insubordination – the latter is particularly important in an organisational setting. If a manager has little or no understanding of this unique trait which many autistic people share, the room for misunderstanding is great. Paired with additional sensory needs, the chances of an argument or disagreement occurring increases.

This is where the cultural landscape becomes crucial. Behaviours and values kick in when clarity is missing; empathy, openness, a willingness to treat all team members with fairness, in kindness, but also taking into consideration individual circumstances and personalities. It's never about applying the rules across the board uniformly – this kind of approach doesn't work and causes a lot of resentment because every employee is unique. But if your organisation’s culture is one of acceptance and involvement of neurodivergent colleagues, this sort of misunderstanding is less likely to happen.

So if you are a manager, and one assumes that you work in a company that does have a welcoming approach towards neurodivergent colleagues, both existing and potential, there are ways that you can create a working environment that is welcoming for autistic and other neurodivergent employees.

1. Treat your team members as individuals. Don't assume everyone is the same, likes the same things, works in the same way, etc.

2. Make a point of getting to know each team member. It is very likely that you'll have someone who identifies as autistic, an ADHDer, dyslexic, and so on in your team. Understanding their individual preferences will ensure that they are equipped to be the best they can be.

3. Don't rely on weekly team meetings for a download. Make sure you adhoc discussions with individual team members that don't necessarily focus on work. Check in on their lives outside of the workplace.