When will I stop being let down?

How can I get this far and still not be going anywhere in career I ask myself. It has been a long road for me since I was the age of 13 having to fend for myself and when I say that I really do mean that without a family to support me, in short I did everything around the house while my sister and two brothers never had to do anything, it was just my mum and the four of us.

Whatever problems my mum might of had mentally it was distributed through neglect and beatings towards me only, there was many times when I would of been hit with the hoover end or locked in a dark space for hours and sometimes days. But without knowing how I got through it at the age of 12 I was walking home on the Thursday around 4:15pm from the local village with one of those "old granny" shopping trolleys with all the shopping when the local milkman who I knew had sacked his collections boy the week before and for who I wanted to ask if I could have the job, asked me to which I said yes and I had to meet him at the top of that road the following Thursday at that time to help him collect the milk money and on Friday's too.

I walked home with a spring in my step to walk into the house and my mum say to me "what are you smiling about" I told her i've got a job with the milkman to collect the milk money, she replied "no you haven't" and for the next few minutes it was back and fourth until I said to her I have and i'm going next Thursday. That day came and she tried to give me the shopping list again to which I said no and went off to my new job, after a few weeks of doing this on Thursday my mum stopped me at the door as I went to leave and said here is the list. I said to her I can't go I'm going to work and she replied with "well if you won't do that, then I won;t do anything for you, no food, no washing your clothes, nothing!" I said "okay then, don't." and so that was it she did what she said and for the following 6 months I remained living in the house with my siblings taken my mum's side and ignoring me, it was to the point where I would walk through the front door and they would walk past me never speaking to me, as time went on my older brother and sister moved out leaving me and my younger brother still there with mum.

I had no begin to work full time on the milk round with the milkman and stopped going to school, I had made my sisters bedroom into a living room with a toaster and kettle in there. After not going to school for a while the school board came and told me that I had to go to a school for kids that went off and everyday for three months they sent a taxi to take me there and return me home. At the end of the three months I was assessed and told that I didn't have to go to school as I knew what I was doing and where I was going.

As time passed and the head teacher had allowed me to get into school at 10am and leave at 2pm with no homework because he knew my circumstances of working full time starting at 2am every morning so I struggled at school but while all of this went on nobody came along and took me out of the situation, it was only the milkman that had gave me hope and shown me that life could be better, I could have what he had, a nice wife, kids, a home, a family, I eventually moved of the house at 15 and stayed at another milk mans house paying keep as him and his wife had two kids and a spare room.

Fast forwarding some years and meeting so many people and working for so many, all I came to find is they are driven by greed and self help ensuring they get what they want without a care for others regardless of the out come for others. Very short most of my jobs I've had I came across bosses and manager that were corrupt and wanted to me join there crimes against the company that employed us. This I could not do and will never do, why? simple! Because I have morals, respect, honesty, principles all of which are very deep within and very strong simply because of my child hood.

I believe in wrong and right, I always try to do the right thing by the right people. The past couple of years again in my jobs I have had to leave because of corruption or jealous colleges that don't like how I'm showing them up because I'm putting enthusiasm, passion and drive into my role. One of the jobs last year I was only there for 7 months and they closed down and the most recent job was also filled with corruption and wanted me to ignore health and safety and the law regarding vehicles so I walked out on the same day as the sales director for the same reasons.

But that's okay because there is all these recruitment agencies to help me find a new career path or so I thought. Driving Force part of Gap Personal in Ellesmere Port are very possibly the worst of them all, well for me so far anyway. I booked an appointment with them and they left me in a room for two hours.

I sent them this email: Dear Sir/Madam. After emailing the Ellesemere Port branch on 05/02/2019 with my CV regarding a HGV Class 2 Vacuum and Drainage Driver with a salary of ￡260,000 a year advertised on Indeed. I got a call within 10 minutes from a lady called Laura who booked me an appointment for today (07/02/2019) at 14:00. I arrived at 13:58 for my appointment and was greeted by a lady who sat me in a room and asked me to fill in the forms, asked me for my documents for ID etc and informed me that a gentleman who I think was called Jamie would come in and go through what HGV jobs where on offer. About 5 minutes later she came in and asked if I would like a drink of tea of coffee, I asked for a tea and moments later she came back with a cup of tea for me and left the room.

I was in the middle of filling in the forms at this point when a few moments later at around 14:20 the lady came in and gave me back my documents after making copies of them and she left the room again. After filling in the forms as best I could I then continued to wait for the person to come in and discuss with me the job roles on offer to me. As time past by and nobody had came in to me at all I began to feel anguish and demoted, it is now 15:30 and still nobody and came to see him although I can here plenty of laughter through the door from the open plan office. During this time I look at the literature around the room and re-scan over my forms to find many grammar and typing errors and don't forget the advertised job salary to which I know would only be ￡26,000 a year and not ￡260,000 a year to the point that I myself noticed all of these errors, someone who has bought himself up from the age of twelve with around eight years of education only and has been pushed into this position ending up in your establishment looking for work due to the company I worked for closing business for good at the end of January 2019.

Still waiting for someone to come in and see me I look around the room and see that I cannot actually see out of the windows due to the vinyl advertising on the outer side of the glass and I begin to feel costlofobic, demoralised and depressed until the time passes further still with nobody entering the room it gets to 15:58 and I get up and walk out past the lady that first seated me in the room and everyone else and walk out of the building, get into my car and leave feeling sick that I have been left there in that room for two hours. Perhaps your thinking, well why didn't I get up and go out the room and ask if they had forgotten about me and lets assume that I am mistaken and the lady told me to come out, either way I was told that somebody would come in to see me so I should not be required to go out of the room and asked why I haven't yet been seen one and a half hours later. 

Why did nobody come into that room and simply check on me, check to see that I didn’t need help with the forms or to see if I had finished them or even to see that I was still alive and hadn't had a heart attack or fit and died. And let's not forget that nobody has even telephoned me to say that they see I have left the building. I am absolutely appalled that I or indeed anyone could be treated in this way by a company that states "We are respectful and understanding" below is a couple of quotes from your statements from your website to remind you of how I should of been treated.

"You have probably seen loads of agencies promising you the earth and saying they are the best people to work for." "Driving Force is not your run-of-the-mill agency, which is why we’re always on the lookout for only the very best drivers. If you’re hard-working, reliable and take real pride in the work you do, then you’re our sort of person. In return, we promise to put you at the centre of everything we do, because we believe our focus should always be on our drivers." "Are you fed up with wasting time with agencies that never deliver on the promises they make?" "Are you a hard working, reliable driver looking for an agency that listens and most importantly finds and matches you to your ideal job?" Should you wish to remind yourself of more of your own promises you will find them here https://www.driving-force.co.uk/drivers/ if you have trouble with this link please do not hesitate to contact me where I would be happy to supply you with a full screen shot that I currently have saved.

It appears clear to me that your statements on your website are just that and nothing else but that, which is very poor of such a high standard recruitment company with many years experience. Since you have wasted my time today and set me back with cost incurred due to your incompetence and sheer lack of unprofessionalism please find attached invoice to cover those costs.

I got a reply via a phone call the next day from the regional manager explaining that they were very sorry and this should not of happened and they said they would find me a job that's no problem, I asked for the staff. I asked her if my invoice was going to be paid she said she would get back to me about that, after a week or so and still no job I found my own which was the last job at big atom and after informing them I found a job and when would my invoice get paid I got an email reply which said:

Hi Dave, Apologies for the time of contact! I just wanted to let you know that following the conversation earlier I have spoken to Laura and explained that your comments were not personal and it was business. I’ve also let her know that you have now found full time employment and we are to cease looking for a role for you. I’ve spoken to all of the directors of the business and unfortunately we will not be paying your invoice. We do not pay drivers to come in and register with us. Once again, I apologise for the amount of time you were left waiting in our interview room, and I appreciate all of your feedback since then - all has been taken on board and I can assure you this rare occurrence will not be happening again. I would like to wish you the best of luck in your new role. Rachel.

So I've been to see Search Consultancy in Liverpool over a week ago so far nothing has happened. By now I'm guessing you’re fed up of reading this but I can assure you I'm the one fed up, fed up of being let down all the time. I have over the years learnt by myself with little time and having a son who will be 19 this coming June although not with his mother for the past 18 years of his live because she cheated with my best friend and with other life’s events been able to create websites and many other digital routes with a strong passion with digital challenges.

So now I'm at this point in my life, I have a lovely Partner to who I am engaged to with a fantastic 12 year old step son, a privately rented home in a lovely village, a car but no real job once again all because I always believe in doing the right thing so I have decided to set up CDSC Wirral - Chew Digital Computer Services, a service that I already do for friends and enjoy. So I guess I will just have to see if this can bring me in a living as my family needs my financial support that I haven't been able to fully give them these past couple of months. You can find out more about it at www.chew.digital/cdcs.

I am yet to find a career that I love which is hard as I have never really known what I want to do, nor do I have the confidence I would like to sell myself and I find it hard to trust people and really can struggle in crowded places plus other demons that often enter one’s mind throughout the days. But I know that those are often just the mind and others impressions squashed into me over the years from the experience of having them travel within my life at those times.

I am trying to keep a positive outlook and do hope that my new venture can work for me, I can understand how a male's mental health spiral's downhill rapidly between the dominant ages of between 30 and 45, mine is on that path right now, lucky for me I don't drink, never have, I don't smoke, never have and nor have I or ever will take any drugs. But if I did I would find it very hard to fight my own mind with those thoughts of darkness. It never matters how many friends or family you might have you can't talk to them as you feel you will have failed them and show yourself to be week.

Having an understanding of myself and the triggers for me it's gives you a poor quality of live in terms of the social side and when a male has financial worries and job problems these two factors on their own can lead to the death of a person. So why I am telling you this? Simply because it will help me a tiny bit today and I do hope someone else may read it that is that very point now and can see that they are not the only one going through a similar time currently.

It is sad that all my childhood experiences have this strong effect on my adult life and yes I have tried CBT but that didn't work for me as the program isn't designed for people like me who do have an understanding of their own brain and how powerful it really is to playing nasty tricks on you, many things in my past has lead my brain to define it's own defence mechanism which often erases the traumatic times or stores them away to protect it's own mental state. But this can be dangerous because it can fill those gaps with false memories and lead you down the wrong path.

Knowing how to get your mind out of this is the key I had a system when I was single that when my mind was split in two I would make a cup of tea, get a snickers and play driving game on the PS2 for a couple of hours this took me out of the physical world into my own world, one that I had control in, one that I enjoyed. Once I had got my mind out of where it was I could then regain my thoughts and think more positive and self to myself "it's okay, it's just a blip right now and I must work through it".

That’s worked for many years, but now I'm not single and life style is different so what's my mental help now? I haven’t worked that one out so far however I won't need to should my job situation get sorted and I'm become financially secure and supportive again to my family.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far and I hope in some way I may of helped you if not myself.

Best Wishes Dave.