When I say ‘NO’ I feel guilty

I’ve been working with the front-line workers of two very different organisations.

1.????? Care-givers in the retirement sector who take abuse from patients, patient’s families, some co-workers and some managers

2.????? Property management staff who take abuse from landlords, tenants, tradies, co-workers and some franchise owners

Not much fun for any of these people, but at a time when jobs are scarce, front-line workers feel forced to stay and take abuse rather than dust off their CVs and move on.

When we now see supermarket workers wearing body cameras they can switch on when their customers become abusive, we know the problem is becoming society wide and that’s sad and tragic.

SO, as a result of working with both sectors side, by side, I decided to write a book on unacceptable behaviour. What front-line workers can do, what they can say and how they can go home at the end of a working day NOT feeling exhausted, victimised and worthless.

Since writing the book I’ve been tinkering with a really basic formula I can offer anyone who is being treated badly and I’ve seen the difference (and the joy) people have felt once they have their ‘phrase’.

The formula is – I.N.G (s x 2 & wa)???

The ‘I” stands for owning the problem and starts with the first part of the phrase:

‘I have difficulty when you ………………………….

The ‘N’ stands for ‘name the game’ and creates the next part of the phrase:

‘I have difficulty when you talk over me in meetings’

The ‘G” stands for ‘gain acceptance’, so the phrase now is:

‘I have difficulty, when you talk over me in meetings, are you aware that you do that? (An open question which puts the problem onto the other person)

By asking a closed question, you’ll receive a yes or no response.

If the person acknowledges what they do, perhaps by saying something like ‘I do that because you take forever to state your case’, then at least the two parties can work towards an agreement. The person making the complaint might say something like ‘I apologise if you think I take too long to make my point, I will aim to cut to the chase if you will agree to NOT undercut me in front of the whole team and discuss things outside of the meeting? Does that work for you?’

If they respond with ‘NO I DON’T’ – this could lead to a ‘Yes you do/No I don’t’ argument which serves no-one. So if the other person says ‘No I don’t’, the first ‘s’ becomes, state your case again:

‘From where I stand, this is what’s happening, if you feel I’m wrong, then all I can ask you to do at the next meeting is be alert to what happens when I speak’, which is where the 2nd ‘s’ comes in:

SHUT UP.

What we tend to do if the other party negates what we’ve said is – fill in the pause with waffle. Things like:

·???????? I know I can come across as a bit fluffy or

·???????? I know you’re going through a rough time at home or

·???????? I’m aware that you take flack from the boss

Don’t do this.? It allows the other person off the hook; it can be perceived as rude, and even none of your business. You’ve stated your case, you’ve named the game, you asked the person to be ‘aware’, now all you can do is:

WALK AWAY repeating something like, ‘I’ll leave things with you’. The monkey is right back where it belongs.?

I could add ‘don’t take your hurt with you’ you’ve said your piece, now leave it there. If the person persists in under-cutting you (or whatever game you’ve named)’ then you have a different ball game, which I’ll cover in my NEXT newsletter.

Give this phrase a go, it works at work AND home. It’s the first step in someone saying ‘I will not be treated like this’. No-one has the right to belittle us, minimize us, make a fool of us in front of other people and/or be all round rude and objectionable.??

To find out more about people who minimize, bully and harass you, you will find my latest book 'Names Will Never Hurt Me' , How to deal with people who minimize you, ignore you, abuse you and bully you, complete with real life examples of people being bullied and how that affected them.

And my final thought:

‘Blowing out someone else’s candle, won’t make yours shine any brighter’

?

Ann Andrews, CSP. Author, speaker, profiler, Life Member PSANZ

Author of:

Did I Really Employ You?

Lessons in leadership: 50 ways to avoid falling into the ‘Trump’ trap

Leaders Behaving Badly: What happens when ordinary people show up, stand up and speak up

My Dear Franchisees

Women Behaving Courageously: How gutsy women, young and old, are transforming the world

www.annandrews.co.nz

?

?

?