When I Realised Depression Can Happen To Anyone
I have not written articles in a while, seems fitting that my first one since the last one would be a topic that has occupied a fair amount of my time for the past 2 years.
The pandemic has been tough, to say the least. The lockdowns even tougher. We heard and read cases about people falling into deep depressions, couples breaking up, domestic violence increasing. No wonder mental health and well being have become the latest buzz words. We as humanity are starting to understand the importance of one's mental well being and I must admit it is about time.
But I was not always like this. I admit here and now that I took depression as something that happened to distant people, and not to me or people around me including family. How could it? We are blessed with so many things such as health, job security and financial health. If you have all that you should not ever get depressed, right?
Well, it was not so for a dear friend of mine. For a long time since the start of the lockowns, they would tell me things like "I feel sad. Things that made me happy no longer do. I do not sleep well. My passions have dwindled." They statements were a shout out for help. Their relationships were falling apart, their work effectiveness dropping. It was a whirlpool into despair.
But I did not listen. I did not understand. I could not understand how someone who had a great job, health, healthy children, a home, money...the things that other people often complained about were there with my friend in abundance yet they were not happy. I said they are just complaining. That this is a phase. I pointed out all the things that should make them happy. I said depression and mental illness is for weak people, we were strong and should always think of positive things.
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I could not have been more wrong. I could not have been more naive than I was when they were at their lowest point. I wish I could take my thinking back, but the best I can do is to admit I was wrong and hope others learn from my mistakes.
What I learned is that depression and mental illness can happen to anyone, and there is no such thing as strong or weak people when it comes to mental health. People who fall into depression do not need someone giving them solutions and advice (ie what I did with my full engineering solution-mindset). No, what they need is for someone to understand them, to ackowledge that what they are going through is real, and that they are not alone and will go through this, no matter how long it takes. What I had to learn, and it was hard at first, was to resist the urge to swoop in with solutions. What I had to learn is to be a listener, the best damn listener they ever had.
What I also learned throughout this was how much I did not appreciate the role that therapists and counselors play in society. Again, I was wrong there. So much did a therapist help my friend and put them on the path to well being that I went out and started therapy myself, and was surprised by how much a professional listener and an experienced therapist can help put things in perspective and teach me tools on how to navigate various emotional and human aspets of my life.
If you have a loved one, a friend, in need of help, I encourage you to reach out. Not with advice, but with empathy and with a warm ear. They will need that as you help navigate together a path towards mental well being.
Really great Wajih, thank you for writing this. Such an important topic and you speak about it so well. It's so difficult to turn off the engineering, solution-seeker brain, but that's exactly what needs to happen when you have a friend in need like that.
Executive Assistant Extraordinaire & Empowering EA | Visionary | Gifted Communicator & Strategist | Mental Wellness & Ageism Advocate
2 年Wajih - thank you for sharing your story and lending an empathetic ear to your friend. As a mental health and well-being advocate at Deloitte, I hear stories like yours all the time. As a matter of fact, I spoke to a colleague today who confided they are on the verge of burnout and thanked me for listening.
Strategic Partnerships | International Business Development | Government Contracting | Program Management | Capture
2 年Wajih, glad to see you writing again and about such an important topic. Like you so eloquently say, everyone is at risk of being affected by depression and anxiety. For some, it's loss of a job or the challenges of another change in their life, but for others it comes on without a reason or trigger. I too try to put on that engineering hat and try to offer solutions when it's really a listener and coping strategies that are needed most. Looking forward to seeing what you write about next as I sit and ponder my next article.
Medical Device Sales and Market Development Executive utilizing broad business acumen in sales, marketing, and professional education to drive technology adoption and expansion. Builds and mobilizes high performing teams
2 年Wajih, Good, heartfelt advice from you. As you mentioned, it’s called empathy. People who are working through those difficult times don’t always want a solution to cure. They just want to be heard, understood, and know that someone is putting his/herself in their “proverbial” shoes. Good advice. Thanks for sharing. Glad to know you are doing well.
Systems Change Ecosystems Weaver, Regenerative Collaboration Catalyst, Impact Real Estate Movement Builder, Creating Meta Narrative of Tech for next-gen Collaboration using AI & web3
2 年"People who fall into depression do not need someone giving them solutions and advice" well actually that's true for people most of the time. I'd say solutions and advice are useful in less than 5% of interactions. More useful is: 1) good questions that enable you to arrive at your answer 2) listening and echoing back what you heard in your own words/understanding 3) verification of sensing of reality (yes, you do look like crap, yes you have appeared more happy/sad/... than usual) 4) just being there and holding space for the person to speak and feel what they need to.