When "Ho, ho,ho!" becomes "No, no, no!"

'Tis the season but "Ho, ho, ho!" can all too easily become "Oh, oh, no!" and result in feelings of distress and overwhelm as we try to deal with all the things going on in life.

I received a version of the post below as an email from a network I am a part of. That and a couple of conversations I have been a part of in the last few days brought into focus how challenging this time of year can be and how much it is affecting me and the people around me.

I am sharing it with you here in the hope that it might help you or at the very least help you understand the places the people in your life might be at the moment. So that we all might be better "prepared to listen without judgement and with love."

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The years just seem to get more and more tumultuous and, after a couple of years dealing with the covid pandemic [noting this hasn’t gone away] and a now seemingly endless string of natural disasters, this year has also seen a change of government. And these stress vectors are on top of whatever else we might be trying to manage day-to-day outside work. That’s a lot of change with which to deal.

The festive period can bring us together, for the Christmas festivities, with friends and families; but for some of us this is a difficult time. While many of us are looking forward to the break and the celebrations, not all of us relish this time.

While many of us will be gathering with friends and family over the next few weeks, this time of year can trigger adverse mental health outcomes for some of us who might have lost a dear loved one during the year, and their absence will bring back the emotions and grief around their loss. Or some of us with disabilities may feel like we can’t contribute to others’ fun or are a burden on others, and this is exacerbated by the depictions of ‘normal’ in the media. Family conflicts can also come into sharp focus at this time, and these can induce trauma in some of us. This time of year can also amplify the stress around personal finances and cause psychological trauma on this front.

And some of us simply have no family and friendship group to call on, so the messaging in the media around this time of year triggers the grief of this loneliness. Don’t think you are alone; lots of people find Christmas difficult. There are people who love you. Support services are available if you find yourself in crisis or struggling with your mental health. Do use them if you need to.

If you think you might fall into one of these categories or anyway feel like this time of the year is likely to affect your mental wellbeing, now is a good time to start to address these issues. Stay strong and seek connection with others if you are struggling, call on the support organisations open at this time of year if you need them. Plan for times when you might be struggling and be ready to put your wellness strategies into action.

For others of us, it is a good time to demonstrate that we are available and sympathetic to those who are seeking someone to whom they can open up. Let those around you who you think may be struggling, or will be struggling, that you are there for them and will support them through this. Indeed, it’s always a good time to do this. And if someone does tell you they aren’t coping, be prepared to listen without judgement and with love.

But how am i going to cope?

First, of course, it is important to make time to look after you.

Make sure your supports are in place and you can feel safe during this time. Talk to your GP or psychological support team and let them know this is a hard time. Work with them to have some plans in place to help you manage your mental health through this period. Talk to your friends and family and let them know you might experience some low or anxious times and discuss ways they can support you – or you can support each other – as you navigate this period. Take time out for you, do some of the things that bring you joy: be it bushwalks, listening to your favourite music, or dancing, gardening or other hobbies, being creative, or whatever it is that works for you… Do it.

But also make time for grieving if you feel this, noting your emotional responses to this time, and acknowledging this is how you feel. It’s ok not to feel ok.

An important step to support this can be to draw up a safety plan. Think of your safety plan as your ‘mental health first-aid kit’. Having a safety plan can help you feel more in control when everything feels out of control. In the event that anything should happen, record who can be contacted in an emergency (and their details of course) and what things they can do to help. Also record details of what support services are available over the Christmas break. Share this with one or a few of your support network, and this can be used in the event of an episode over this time. Indeed, this is a good thing to have in place at all times.

Sadly, domestic violence increases by some 20 per cent during the Christmas-New Year's break, due to alcohol, stress and a higher frequency of family gatherings. If this is at risk of happening for you, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 7328) and talk to a counsellor about how you can deal with this issue before it escalates. Make plans to stay safe.

And if a loved one is dealing with any of these pressures, support them and acknowledge how they feel. Give them their space to grieve if they need this, but give them the support they need to feel like they have somewhere to turn, be there for them in a non-judgmental way and help them through this time.

Help them draw up their safety plan and maybe share some of the below advice with them.

What can help me manage?

There is a lot of good advice on coping with your own realities over the festive period and there are some common themes among the advice:

* Don’t put yourself under pressure in the quest to create the ‘perfect’ Christmas

* Set boundaries: these are essential to healthy relationships, so share these with your loved ones to avoid resentment

* Manage the conflict (acknowledging this can be hard so plan ahead for strategies) and avoid known triggers

* Take care of money worries: identify what’s causing you financial stress and find low-cost ways to have fun – make and stick to a budget

* Talk with a friend, relative or mental health professional about the things that are worrying you

* Pace yourself: pay attention to your energy levels and take breaks to look after yourself. Get enough sleep.

* Manage your loneliness if you find yourself isolated or grieving: connect with friends and family, volunteer and help others or attend community events, plan for Christmas day

* Limit your alcohol, eat well and keep active

* Helping others or performing small acts of kindness is a great way to boost self-esteem for your own mental wellbeing

*Get support! Call on your support network of friends, family and psychological support team if you need to

The Black Dog Institute hosts ‘My Compass’, (https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/digital-tools-apps/mycompass/) a free online tool that can help you identify unhelpful thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and learn strategies to deal with them, which is well backed by research. And Beyond Blue has online forums, as does Sane Australia, where you can connect with others and share your struggles in a safe environment. Beyond Blue also has a good safety plan template.

Remember, it’s ok to say ‘no’. Be assertive if you need to be and know it is ok to say no. Put your well-being first and don’t over-commit yourself. It’s okay to decline someone’s offer or invitation without feeling guilty or shameful. It is ok to put yourself first. It’s ok not to be ok, but when you feel this way, get the support you need.

Support and contacts

Some further advice and reading is available at Life in Mind, Mental Health Carers, Black Dog Institute, Health Direct, Helping Minds and Sane Australia. These websites also have resources across the spectrum of mental health, so take time to explore them as you build your own mental health literacy.

Some key contacts for people in Australia to keep handy at this time (and always) are:

- 000 for emergency support

- Lifeline 13 11 14

- Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)

- Beyond Blue 1300 224 636

- Mensline Australia 1300 789 978

- Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 (for 5 – 25 yr olds)