When IT hits the fan...

Oh, last week me. That sweet summer child, writing her newsletter so sure that things would trend better and then. AND THEN. Over 73 million people just had to go and prove me wrong, didn't they?!

As someone who works with changemakers, it's been a tough week. I've spoken to a lot of heartbroken people; quite frankly, I'm a bit heartbroken myself about the state of things. Hearing about playground taunts of "your body, my choice" had me in tears for the young women of the world, as have many conversations with queer and disabled folks around the world.

Now, I do still believe that things will trend positive... eventually. Like I said last week, hope is an important part of resilience. But I'm going to acknowledge that the path is not linear, and sometimes it feels like you've fallen off the edge of the cliff. In those moments, turning to hope is perhaps not the answer. It may even feel unreachable at times. You may - like me - need time to process the current quagmire before you turn to hope.

Emotional hurricanes

I've said before that emotions are like the weather - they sweep in and sweep out in waves, bringing us new experiences and new information about our worlds and our internal states. Let's acknowledge that not all emotions are sunny days, or even comfortable rainshowers. Sometimes, it's a goddamn hurricane. Scary, maybe even destructive, and you just want it all to pass through ASA-effin-P.

That's been my week. Hurricane Anna has been in town.

Rationally, I know that the emotions are going to pass through eventually, but they are uncomfortable as anything to sit through.

In the past, that's where I would have turned to numbing behaviours. We all have them - those things that we know don't really make us feel better, but we do because they numb the pain of the hurricane slightly. It could be a bottle of wine, a slice (or three) of cake, too much takeaway, impulse spending, an inappropriate date, lost hours in trashy TV and doomscrolling, substance misuse, ignoring responsibilities...

I'm not here to shame you for whatever habit you've used to numb the emotions. You are - I believe - doing the best you can with the tools you've got. I've done a bit of numbing myself this week when I just couldn't breathe. Many thanks are owed to my favourite writers for getting me through Wednesday.

Expand the toolbox

The purpose of this newsletter is - as always - to give you some fresh avenues into boosting your own resilience. The need for changemakers may feel more pressing than ever at the same time that your emotions are blocking your capacity to move. I've had people say to me they don't know how they will go on.

So let's look at our hurricane plans and add some new options for emotional processing into the toolkit. Some will be "quick and dirty" changes you can make in a moment, while others might need you to take some time out.

You could pick one of your habitual numbing behaviours, or you could...

Change your air - go outside for a few minutes and breathe (if you can). If that's not an option, could you open a window or turn the heating down for a while? Turn a fan on if they're still hanging around your space. Anything to make the air feel a little fresher.

Change your view - go to a different room, or sit in a different spot in your room. Create a tiny bit of order in your room, even if it's just clearing the tissue mountain into the bin or taking the glasses into the kitchen.

Change your focus - do something else with your mind. My favourite things for this are sensory ones - list what you can hear, find something to fiddle with, light a smelly candle, colouring a drawing (to me, the swearier the better)... the important thing is to step away from the thing causing you the distress - even for a moment - and give your brain some respite.

Change your breath - our breathing patterns change the chemistry of our blood, which changes how our body feels. Here's two quick ways you can shift things up with the power of breath: fake a big yawn, or allow yourself to yawn if you're holding one in; or breathe out for longer than you breathe in for. A trauma focused GP I used to see 'prescribed' the following pattern: in for a count of four, and out for a count of eight, for a few minutes every day.

Change your body - eat some protein; drink a cup of water; stand up and sit back down again; flap your fingers or wiggle your toes. Don't underestimate the power that a small, loving action towards your body can have.

Change your input - what are you feeding your brain right now? Is it more content that is feeding the emotional state? Whether directly linked to the trigger, or just evoking similar feelings. If watching the drama on MAFSUK (yes I'm calling myself out) is making you feel worse, change it up. Go for a comfort show, an inspiring book, or something that brings out a different state. It's okay to step away from the news right now.

Change your company - are you isolating from the people who could support you? Sending a loving message or a funny meme might be enough to spark a shift in your mood. Plan to see your clan. Grab a coffee - virtually or otherwise - with someone wonderful. Pick up the phone and call someone, even if you need to fiddle or pace while you're chatting.

We will be here tomorrow

I don't pretend that any of these will totally "fix" your emotions, but that's mostly because emotions aren't there to be fixed. We're supposed to feel them! These are just ways to help you persevere as you feel them. It's regulation, not numbing, suppressing or ignoring.

A beloved friend had the following wisdom for me, which I want to leave you with...

We'll still be here tomorrow. We'll do the things we do every day - with tears, with laughter, with hope and with fear. And we will love each other and our people, tomorrow and the next day, and again after that.

There's no call to action for the end of today's post - just an invitation to go to the comments and share your experiences of this week and any tools from your own toolboxes that have helped you hold on. If anyone needs a space, my inbox is open for you.