When it Hits Close to Home

Folks, I appreciate your patience with me as I wrap my head around this week's topic. Last week I had to take a break and I appreciate all of you who are following me on this journey.

Suffice it to say I'm saddened to hear that it happened... again. A tragedy that has taken the lives of 21 people.

I'm not going to debate the issues. People died. No words shared here can give them the respect they or their families deserve.

I will, however, share a story of when I lived in a small town in 1986 when a young woman was tragically shot because the young man that she dated killed her. Her name is forever in my mind, although I never knew her personally: Heather Dunn.

Here's the APNews of that story, "Summer Romance Ends in Death of Teen"

At the time I attended the middle school in the small town of Benicia, California. I had friends and family that attended the High School, where this tragedy occurred.

Was it shared around the nation? Possibly, I don't know. What I do remember is that by the time the story got to the middle school, we didn't know what to believe... maybe it was someone trying to scare someone and the rumor mill kept going. It wasn't until many of us got home that we heard that the rumor was true. I remember our parents were hugging us a bit harder those days, fearful of us going to school the next day.

We had no internet, no pagers, and no cell phones. Just landlines and our bicycles to go to each of our friend's homes to try to get back to some sense of normal.

As fear and reality set in, we all grew a little older that week. Some of us were motivated to improve our lives and relationships, while others changed and became more distanced. All normal reactions, given this type of situation.

Since it was a small town, many of us knew the young man charged. And none of us really saw it coming. The reality is that we as a society often don't know what someone is going through. Everyone has their own struggles, and the man in question had his own issues. Few people were trained then to identify behaviors and let's face it, even when someone is trained it is difficult to confirm what actions someone may take... let alone have the courage to tell the appropriate people, including the child's parents, that something (or someone) needs some extra help to avoid a potential tragedy. And let's be honest, we as parents haven't been too kind to accept criticism about our own kids over the years as well.

Fast forward to more than 30 years later, and school shootings sadly become more common. As a parent of a special needs child, the concerns are extreme regarding what actions we could take. Let's just say as special needs parents, our options are even fewer than advertised. We have to fully rest on the education system and those who are with our kids more than most. I have difficulty even exploring how much we have to trust schools when situations like Avonte's elopement from his school in New York led to his tragic death, but I digress. (see Avonte's Law for further information on that topic)

I absolutely hate to say it, but the older I get the more cynical I become about anything associated with school systems and the government. If you've been following this newsletter and podcast, I think you'll start to understand why this is. People who are trained to do what's right, do what they can... and try their hardest. But there are always a few people who are completely clueless, and no matter the system or protocols are set up, there is always a gap or two missed and people get through. No one is perfect, and we all fall short from time to time... so I can only get frustrated so much.

There were a couple of years about a decade ago when there were a few school shootings and the news reports came out and stated that the person who did the shooting was autistic. I remember that some autistic kids would get targeted and bullied even more. Their peers would call them out, asking if they would be coming to school to do such a thing. A few would get beaten up. Only to find out later that the media would issue a retraction or further clarify their reports.... but the damage was already done. Many autistic individuals were hurt by the actions of the media and public citing blame without understanding that most autistic individuals don't resort to such things.

As an autism parent, I'm at a loss for words. There were days when we preferred to keep our kid home as we felt teachers and/or classmates were talking about these situations around him. A day or two off here and there tended to calm his nerves while the vibes at the school subsided. Then all was ok. We weren't the only parents who experienced these situations during times like this. I've heard that some teachers suggested to parents that it might be a good idea to keep the kid at home a day or two until the nerves of all educators and other students were a bit calmer.

Now, please remember that although my son is 'non-verbal' he still can hear and understand everything. His challenge is his ability to express his own thoughts in a way that we understand them.

How would you feel if you couldn't say or communicate anything on a topic that everyone else is rambling on about in front of you.. and you know you had a few choice words to share.. but again... you couldn't. (yeah, it's like that... but I digress again...)

Now...

When Heather Dunn was killed in front of her friends in the middle of the school in an open outdoor area, no one was thinking of gun laws or the government needs to take action. All everyone could think of was one simple question: 'Why?'

We didn't think of the weapon, we thought of the person using it.

Why would someone do such a thing? What was going on in that young man's mind to cause him to take such action? How he did it was easily answered. Where he did it was in front of everyone. Who was involved has been told and remembered all these years later.

But here we are...years later, again. Asking the same question, but to a tragedy that caused even more to die. Why?

This pushes me to revisit a lesson taught to me by an English teacher from that very same high school... answer these questions, and you'll find your story...

Who describes the people that are involved. What happens only shares a series of events. Where sets the scene and When only tells you the date and time.

But why? that's the motivation. It's the mindset. It's the driving factor that can define a person at the moment.

So, when people ask me my thoughts on these tragedies, I focus entirely on the person who decided to take the action that they did, and what efforts we as parents could have done to potentially prevent it. Not to make the person a victim, but to provide context as to the contributing factors that led to their decisions and subsequent actions.

As I parent, I have to ask myself... where have I failed? Have I contributed by my actions or inactions to someone's life to a point where it added to their decision to take such action?

"During the War of 1812, the United States Navy defeated the British Navy in the Battle of Lake Erie, Master Commandant Oliver Perry wrote to?Major General William Henry Harrison, “We have met the enemy and they are ours.” Kelly's parody of this famous battle report perfectly summarizes mankind's tendency to create our own problems."

Ian Malcolm, played by Jeff Goldblum in Jurrasic park states?"...your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not?they could,?they?didn't stop to think if?they should."

This just makes me think of how hyper-focused we as a society can become when tragedy occurs. We want answers, we want a resolution on how this could be made to never happen again... I just hope that one day we can all agree on a course of action that actually works.

But until then...I don't have an answer regarding these shootings... nor a course of action to take. I only have the story of Heather Dunn, and her death... as well as how autistic people were once blamed for school shootings and how frustrating it is as a parent of an autistic kid to deal with all of these things.

My hope is that until we all can agree on whatever course of action needs to be taken, we take care of one another better.

Please stay safe. Hug your loved ones often this week, and take a moment to provide a word or two of encouragement to those around you. Kind things matter, and so do you.

Now for the Podcast News…

Here’s the?New YouTube Channel?for you to Subscribe to.

I am still doing interviews! I have a few in the pipeline that I'll be releasing during the summer, and will gladly coordinate interviews for those who may be interested. Please bear in mind I do get a lot of requests each week.

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And now, for more!

Sometimes an individual and organization need a bit of a shoutout, as they are making great strides in helping the autism community in some way. Here is this week's highlight:

1. Autism Today Foundation?- is quickly on its way to providing more information and entertainment by and for the autism community. Check them out!
2. Autism Radio - with their flagship show on iHeart Radio, to their podcast on many streaming platforms. They help many autism families with a variety of services available.

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