When Gratitude Goes Wrong: The Negative Impact of Fake Appreciation

Gratitude itself is nothing new, but our awareness and openness about it are.?

For many of us, particularly Americans, our conversations about gratitude were often brief and limited to once-a-year occasions centered around a 20-pound turkey. It was common to hear generic phrases like "I'm thankful for my family," which, while well-intentioned, could come across as vague and cliché.

Over the past few years, it's hard not to notice a shift toward a more grateful way of thinking. It's as if gratitude has taken center stage, from social media to everyday conversations, it's now more common than ever to hear people express their appreciation and thankfulness. Corporate culture is embracing it in both formal and fun ways. I saw one conference room wall that said “You need just two things: Gratitude & Hunger”. I immediately loved it for both its unfiltered honesty but also because I had never experienced a corporate culture that openly acknowledged and encouraged gratitude. It was also reinforced when the VP would start meetings by always saying “I’m so glad you’re here”. Accompanied by eye contact and a smile, it came through as warm and genuine. There's nothing quite like the feeling of being appreciated. It has a magical effect on the mind, filling it with positivity and inspiring us to reach new heights. When we know that our presence is valued, we become more willing to go the extra mile, paying extra attention to the smallest of details. It's amazing how a little bit of appreciation can go such a long way, transforming our mindset and fueling us to be our best selves.

2019’s Global Happiness Council report, included a case study of the business impact of LinkedIn’s social recognition program on employee performance and turnover. In addition to correlations between recognition, increasing retention rates, and higher performance ratings, it also revealed the powerful impact on the gratitude givers: “The more employees offered praise, the more praise they received in return, creating a virtuous circle of positivity and success.”

A few years back, after sending a batch of images to a client, I received a heartwarming thank-you email that ended with the words "I appreciate you." Those three words struck a chord with me, and since then, I've made a conscious effort to express my gratitude and appreciation to people in my life more often, with specific reasons why. Whether in my professional relationships or personal life, I make it a point to let people know when I appreciate them. It's not just about financial rewards, but also about showing personalized consideration for their efforts. For instance, I always take a moment to tell my editor how much I appreciate their quick turnaround time or thank my accountant for their meticulous attention to detail. It's incredible how far a little appreciation can go

Expressing gratitude is not limited to professional relationships alone, but extends to our loved ones as well. I've made it a habit to thank my husband whenever he takes something off my to-do list, freeing up some much-needed time for me. (Pro tip: it helps to understand each other's love languages.) With my teen, I make sure to express my gratitude for how easy it is to talk to them, from the light-hearted to heavy-duty topics. As we grow older, it becomes harder to maintain healthy relationships with friends, which is why I always let them know how much I appreciate it when they reach out and check up on me. It's a simple gesture that means the world to me and strengthens our bond in meaningful ways.

The act of expressing gratitude is like casting a stone into a still pond, creating a ripple effect that can be felt far beyond the initial impact. Just imagine how your mindset and communication with others would change if you knew someone was truly grateful for you or something you did. It's a powerful feeling that can transform the way we interact with the world around us.

But gratitude isn't just about benefiting the receiver. When we express authentic appreciation and vulnerability, it creates a deep and meaningful connection between people. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, giving recognition can be even more transformative than receiving it.

One of the best ways to cultivate gratitude is by keeping a gratitude journal, where we write down all the good, bountiful, and beautiful things in our lives. This practice forces us to focus on the positive aspects of our lives, helping us to see beyond the small, mundane annoyances that can sometimes overshadow everything else.

The benefits of expressing gratitude go far beyond just improving relationships. Studies have shown that it can lower stress and improve sleep. Even with children and teens it can reduce materialism, and increase generosity. Best of all, gratitude journaling is a simple, cost-effective tool anyone can use to improve their mental well-being.

Gratitude truly is a magical thing that can have a limitless positive impact on both individuals and businesses. By becoming more mindful and aware of the good in our lives, we can improve our communication, relationships, and overall well-being. It may sound like a unicorn, perfect yet unattainable, but it's a very real and powerful force that we should all strive to cultivate in our lives.

But what happens when gratitude becomes an expectation? Something we should have? At times, we may choose to ignore our needs or diminish them to keep the peace and avoid conflict. Recently I was talking with a friend and she said “I love my husband, he pays the bills, he doesn’t cheat, and we go on dates, but he is so messy and it drives me nuts, not to mention that it creates extra work for me - I should just accept it and be grateful since otherwise, he’s great.” This tendency to suppress or ignore negative emotions in favor of presenting a relentlessly positive outlook is often referred to as toxic positivity. It can lead to a pressure to "just be grateful" and dismiss any negative feelings or experiences.?

Similarly, gratitude shaming is a result of society’s focus on positivity. It occurs when someone is made to feel guilty or ashamed for not expressing gratitude in a specific way or for not being grateful enough. This can be harmful because it puts pressure on people to perform gratitude, rather than allowing it to be a genuine and personal experience.

Both toxic positivity and gratitude shaming can create unrealistic expectations and a sense of pressure to conform to certain attitudes or behaviors around gratitude. It's important to remember that gratitude is a personal experience and should be expressed in a way that is authentic to each individual's experience.

Expressing gratitude can have many positive benefits for one's mental health and well-being. However, it's crucial to ensure that any expression of gratitude is authentic and heartfelt, rather than forced or insincere. If we genuinely feel and express gratitude, we can reap the many benefits it has to offer.