When giving and receiving are equally good

It might just be me, but I want to start with a question: Why are we sooooo bad at asking for help?

Two specific experiences over the last couple of weeks have led me to write this piece...

First story: I was on my way to fetch my kids and stopped at the shop. As I got out of the car I was flooded with pain – the worst stomach pain I have ever had. I sat back down in the car and tried to catch my breath. Again, I stood up and the pain shot through my body. It was so intense I hunched over and tried to gather myself. After about 15 minutes a lady stopped and asked me: “Are you okay?” My instinctive response: “Yes, I am fine”.

I WAS NOT OKAY AT ALL. She asked again: “Are you sure?” I responded, “Yes, yes I will be”. She drove off. In the end, I was okay but honestly, I probably could have done with a little help.

Second story: This past weekend my elderly neighbour had a bad accident. His wife ran into my house yelling: "Come help my husband is hurt!" Without batting an eyelid, I was there. Arriving at the quite traumatic scene, we phoned the ambulance and managed to give him the necessary support until the paramedics arrived. She didn’t hesitate to ask for help and thank goodness she did!

Which brings me to my second question: Why is it so much easier to offer help than to accept it?

There are obvious situational differences in the two stories – the first story was not a serious emergency as was the case in the second and the person offering help in the first story was a complete stranger, unlike the second story. But, I still think there is something here.

This past week I have had conversations with friends in need of help or assistance. When I ask how I can help, the answer is usually: “Don’t worry, I am fine, I will figure it out”.

Why are we so intent on figuring it out, suffering and making a plan ourselves? Is it pride? Are we hell-bent on proving our worth? Are we afraid of asking out of fear of judgment? Or are we unsure of what help we need? I cannot be sure what our motivations are, but I do think that there is a better way.

Thinking of team sports, the best teams create a culture of assists. Assists in sports are built on the idea that we all win together. If you do well, I do well. There is no way to win on your own...

The core ingredients required for creating this type of supportive culture include:

1. Communication: Asking for what you need, clearly articulating your expectations or challenges, speaking up. In team sports, there will always be SOS calls or signs to signal the need for assistance. Restaurants often use hand signals to show when they are in trouble so the other waiters can swoop in and help without the patrons noticing. It starts with asking out loud.

2. Anticipation: Adopting an “other focus” is about noticing what is happening around you, being present, and really knowing what the situation and other people require before they need to ask. This is not about taking over or wanting to run the show, but in small ways, rolling stones out of people's way without them having to ask for it.

3. Getting it done: Before you offer help, be sure that you would be willing to follow through on it. Don't just pay lip service. By offering your assistance, know that you will be taking on a portion of the responsibility. This links directly to being trustworthy. If you are unable to follow through on what you said, it becomes difficult for people to ask for help in the future.

The idea that "together we can go so much further" is what makes teams, communities and organisations more resilient and successful.

We need other people in our lives. But we need to pick them wisely. When last did you take a serious look at the people in your circle? Are they empowering, supportive and helping you be better? It is very difficult to coach ourselves in life. We are meant to help others and allow others to help us.

This weekend, pay a little more attention to who might need help in your environment. Then give it.

Thank you for reading - have a wonderful weekend!