When NOT to give Feedback!

This year rolled in my eleventh year in a corporate organization and as I head into 2020 which is going to bring up my fifth year in leadership, I wonder about what I have to offer to the world as an evolving leader. I use the word evolving because like anything else in life, leadership is a skill that needs to be built over time and with deliberate intent. Now, I don’t mean to lose half my readership by insinuating that those who believe in ‘natural talents’ and ‘born leaders’ are wrong…but simply offer a universal truth that even genius needs to be constantly upgraded. Caught your attention yet? … if yes…then read on. So who is this post for? — it’s for anyone who deals with humanoids on a regular basis and is in a position of influence or authority over their personal or professional lives. If you are someone who people seek advice, feedback or support from, then this will be a good use of your time. Conversely, it also applies to the ‘gyan’ (knowledge) seekers who are often in search of guidance and are looking for more structured ways of self-help while making critical life decisions or dealing with a feeling of ‘stuckness’ (yes! it is a feeling if not a legal entry in the Webster dictionary)

End of Disclaimer! ??

Ever walked into your manager’s cubicle and sat down to have a discussion and heard the phrase ‘this is a coaching moment’ thrown at you? Over the years I have come to dread these conversations, not because of what they have to offer but because of what they don’t! Most managers use this to give what they usually give in spades…’feedback’, but ‘coaching moment’ has a nice little ring to it, doesn’t it? Eh?

So what is the difference between feedback and coaching? And when do you use which? How?

Feedback ( /?fi?dbak/) : information about reactions to a product, a person’s performance of a task, etc. which is used as a basis for improvement.

The word feedback has an interesting origin … one that had more to do with “a rumbling, whining, or whistling sound resulting from an amplified or broadcast signal (such as music or speech) that has been returned as input and re-transmitted” than with the more generic usage of the term as it stands today as being “helpful information or criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve a performance, product, etc.” These definitions allow us to understand the psychological processes that come into action when ‘feedback’ is applied to human beings … almost in the same fashion that control systems are built around large manufacturing units that allow for uniformity, quality control, conformity and constant improvement of a ‘desired’ product (or person). It’s clear that feedback is a/an:

1. Reaction to a specific event or action
2. Expression of criticism
3. Offer of improvement often without being asked
4. More important to the owner (or manager) of the product/process/employee than the object that the feedback is directed towards.

Here’s a 5-step template (I-message) that can be used when giving feedback, followed by an example:

(1) I feel …<replace with feeling> ….

(2) when you… <describe action that needs corrective behavior> …

(3) because… <describe the impact of the person’s behavior on your life/work> …

(4) and what I would like is …. <specify the alternative action to be taken>…

(5) <Ask for the recipient’s reaction or buy-in>

Ex: I feel angry when you do not share the credit for the work that we had jointly put into the project, because I feel my efforts are being discounted and not given any visibility. What I would like, is to be recognized appropriately for my hard work and that my name is not missed out on the kudos emails when shared with the team. Can you ensure that this doesn’t happen again, please?

As you can see, it is a very powerful tool when you need to use it for ‘direct communication’. In fact it is my belief that when I-messages are used effectively, it can substantially reduce the time it takes for changes to be implemented, especially when something (or someone) is impacting a greater set of people or processes. However, imagine a situation where an employee comes to you seeking guidance regarding her/his struggles with being able to say the exact same thing to their direct manager/supervisor and you do this:

Helpseeker136: “I just spent 6 months working on a project that went live yesterday… and today I see an email from my supervisor announcing to the company how she conceptualized the entire thing and brought it to fruition! My name isn’t even in the footnote! I am feeling so frustrated!”

Soothsayer657: “I understand what you are going through… I went through this myself, back in the day. I feel you need to be confident and be able to express your needs. What you need to do is to to setup a 1:1 with her and be direct about this feedback. List down all the work your have done in bullet points and go prepared for this meeting. Talk about how you are feeling and what you would like to change. Speak up for yourself and claim your space! Don’t let anyone discount your efforts. Okay?”

What do you think usually happens in these situations? You have either set this employee on a war path with his/her boss or worse … the employee is not able to follow your advice, making him/her feel more frustrated than (s)he was before (s)he listened to your feedback/advice. But it sounds like very sage advice… one that you have probably given many times, right? So, why do we see employees fall back into these vicious cycles or patterns again and again… why doesn’t this feedback work?

Let’s unpack this particular example a little bit. So what do you think is Helpseeker136’s problem or underlying issue? Is it a bad boss? Is she being too sensitive…maybe entitled? Is it really ‘under-confidence’? The truth is, we wouldn’t know unless we ask… and for that what one needs to do is to start by stepping away from “I have been through this too…” stories. This is NOT about your story…it’s his or her’s. Differentiating between when a person is seeking ‘feedback’ vs ‘mentor-ship’ vs ‘coaching’ is a key element to this equation.

Pro Tip : Oh! and by the way … people/employees never really ‘ask’ for feedback… they often mask their need for recognition, compliments or a simple pat on the back by starting with “So what do you think about my performance this year? Would love to hear some feedback!” It’s easier to say this instead of “I would love to hear a word of appreciation on the work I did this quarter!” They do this to not come across as ‘desperate’ or ‘entitled’ … something they were taught as little children and conditioned over entire lifetimes (‘be humble’, ‘be polite’, ‘don’t be greedy’,’be small’…) Sound familiar?

Here’s a quick 3 step elimination process to understand better:

(1) Is this a conversation that YOU have initiated, as a means to provide criticism (constructive/negative) regarding behavior that impacts YOU more than the person who you are speaking to? (if yes … apply feedback template explained a few paragraphs above — I-message) (if no…read on…)

(2) Is the question being asked related to an area of your academic or domain expertise? (if yes … continue giving ‘gyan’) (if no… read on…)

(3) If you have reached here, it means that the person/employee is seeking professional/personal coaching — (not advice, not feedback) … so STOP giving it!

Easy enough? ??

So how do you tackle this situation … when you can’t give advice based on the millennia of experience that you have or satisfy your need to be ‘useful’? There … I said it … ‘being useful’ … the one thing that is core to our need as parents, supervisors and leaders when someone comes to us with a question or a problem. And when we try to be useful, we are only satisfying our need … not the other person’s. So, what (the hell) is ‘coaching’? The International Coaching Federation defines coaching as :

partnering with clients in a thought-provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential.

This can be achieved through a 4-step model called GROW… which starts with a specific goal in mind, followed by an exploration of reality, possible options and the person’s will to implement an action plan around defined goals.

Each of these steps include thoughtful questioning, inviting the client/coachee (yes! it’s a word ??) to become more aware of their personal thought processes, patterns, life script, beliefs and value systems. The model allows coaches to be creative through the use of techniques from the field of psychology, cognitive behavior therapy and neuroscience.

The modern day workforce is no where near what it used to be during our parents’ time. There are far too many career options for employees and ‘job stability’ alone is not going to be enough when it comes to retaining top talent. Modern day employees (Those pesky millennials! Gr#@!! ??) , need managers and leaders who can not just provide feedback for ‘instant’ corrections, but also be sources of support who can help in navigating through the convoluted path of corporate careers without being a ‘know-it-all’!

Hopefully this was useful! I would love to hear from you in the comment section below... (This is me asking for feedback ?? ) Thank you for reading!

About the author: Smita is a people leader, trained life coach and student of transactional analysis. If you are looking for a personal or career coach , please write to her on [email protected]