When friends leave...

“Hey, got a minute?”

“Sure”

“I wanted to let you know I have accepted a new role, my dream job….”

BAM! What. Just. Happened?

Many of us have experienced this conversation. It is never fun. Sure, sometimes people are struggling and you are happy they have found a new career path to make them more successful. Other times you are sad to see a great performer go, but you feel good about the successor. Sometimes you are just surprised and not prepared. Add to that when they have become a true work friend and now you feel overwhelmed. BAM! It hit me like a ton of bricks. Really…they were leaving. Wow. Unexpected, but not unexpected. We had spoken over the years about that role. I knew the incumbent in that "dream job" had announced retirement but took for granted what I could be missing. And now… it happened. They were leaving. Gone.

Having meaningful friendships at work may actually be a psychological necessity according to Sigmund Freud, John Donne, or Abraham Maslow. In fact, Maslow ranks “love and belongingness needs” in his hierarchy of needs above only physiological requirements like food, shelter, and safety. It is important. At all levels. It brings meaning to our day. I have three or four close work friends here. They challenge me, they make me laugh, they share life journeys.  They keep me coming back to work - even during the tough days.

With the average workweek over 45+ hours, Americans spend nearly 25% percent of their adult lives at work. For those of us who are 55+ hours that percentage is even more. Since you most likely see your co-workers more often than your friends, it’s likely these workplace acquaintances will grow into strong bonds of friendship. The benefits of these connections extend beyond the workplace and have even been hypothesized to impact your health.  You laugh with them, share triumphs and woes, and sometimes lend a helping hand. Workplace friends can feel like family. How many of us have had co-workers in our wedding parties? Most workers logging 30-50 hours at work spend more time with their on-the-job pals than their own families, according to a SHRM survey.  More time than with their OWN FAMILIES! Individuals with six or more workplace friends report feeling deeply connected to their companies. Nearly two-thirds of 716 full-time workers in the U.S. surveyed who had six to 25 workplace friends said they love their company.

I sat there. Stunned as they left my office. It truly was their dream job. I could not, in my heart of hearts, try to even counteroffer to keep them. It was a great opportunity. â€œGo be successful I said, you have earned it”, said my outside voice.  I was happy for them. They earned it, and would be really successful. My inside voice was more like (yep, PG-13 here) “WTF just happened?”

I was professionally proud for them. I love to see when anyone from my team takes on a big role. Some of my proudest moments are when folks on my team land head of HR roles. I was personally sad though….devastated. We all have those people we work with who just make coming to work enjoyable. Always positive, always proactive, always driving results, always helping others, always authentic, always .. well just always being great. And we bonded over things like parenthood, sports, college team trash talking, aging parents, and love of cars. Two peas in a pod as they say.

Reality sets in. Wow. They do an awful lot for me. There are many things daily which get handled that I am probably unaware of: executive issues, Board of Director issues, systems issues, vendor issues, retiree issues, … the list goes on. They. Just. Get. Handled.   

I love our team. I truly like coming to work every day because we have great people. I sincerely like all my direct reports. We are work friends – some for a few decades now. We share personal stories, we laugh, we cry and we live our lives together. We all are on similar paths of families and spouses and kids activities and travel… Some have left and we have reunited at again here. They are special to me.

Sometimes, we just stumble upon that one person who just gets you. You get them. You laugh at life’s lemons together. You have each other’s backs. Always. You can vent and be frustrated and show your true emotions. You know it will never be repeated. They coach you when you need it, they listen when you need it. They are there. We are connected. I have a few of these very valuable folks I connect with. They make my job better, they make me better. They make our team better. It does not take the sting away when one leaves. The hardest part is to remember this is not personal, it is professional.  

"Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them but they're always there."

Having those stars in your life at work will have you adding to the already 50+% of workers who say they have good friends at work. The benefits of having friends at work actually become more important as the line between work-life and personal-life becomes blurred. We already know that friendship increases the brain’s production of oxytocin - but being around a friend also decreases cortisol levels, a stress hormone. Work-related stress is a huge problem that could potentially be alleviated by friends in the office. Some of the issues these friends lessen that are attributed to work stress include high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, and headaches. Thanks friends!

A Gallup poll consistently found that for women and men having a best friend at work leads to better performance. The Gallup employee engagement database shows that a mere two out of 10 U.S. employees strongly agree they have a best friend at work. Yet, by moving that ratio to six in 10, organizations could realize 36% fewer safety incidents, 7% more engaged customers, and 12% higher profit. 

Culture is personal in many ways. It is personal to each of our organizations, and it is personal to us. On the whole, we don't want to work in organizations where everyone avoids eye contact and stiffly passes each other in the hall. The friendship factor influences our ability to attract and retain a great workforce. It also influences our ability to get the most out of our people. This “best friend at work” phenomena is not a soft issue, but one that directly impacts performance. It speaks to why people work and why they choose to keep working.  

Separation of work and personal life is important, but so is happiness. In our quest for a happy workplace to juice engagement as well as the bottom line, workplace experts have measured many things, from salaries to feedback to mentorship opportunities, and suggest a variety of fixes. Unfortunately, none of those add up to what well-being experts consider a thriving life. Indeed, they say that meaningful work, quality time away from work, and positive emotions can’t hold a candle to the staying power of having strong relationships at work.

I have other strong relationships at work I really enjoy. I will move forward. Life will move forward. The team will move forward. Life has a way of filling in the gaps. I will miss my colleague. I will appreciate the three years we partnered together. They will be VERY successful in their new role.  That said, we will continue to chat over things like parenthood, sports, college team trash talking, aging parents, love of cars and maybe now even different work problems (as peers) – but from a new perspective.

LinkedIn’s survey did find that more than two-thirds (68 percent) of Millennials would sacrifice a friendship with a colleague for a promotion; and almost two-thirds (62 percent) of Baby Boomers said they would do this. â€œWorkplace relationships are ever-changing and an important factor in shaping both office dynamics and individual job development,” said Nicole Williams, LinkedIn career expert, in a news release.

“This means that creating an office culture that resonates across generations, roles, and personalities is a critical factor in building a successful working environment.”

Together. We. Win.