When fear wins

This week, we dip our toes into the waters of fear, and explore one of the many ways in which fear can manifest in the workplace.

Many times, “I’m offended” is simply an outward manifestation of fear. While you can be fearful without being offended; think of my daughter when Dad is on dinner duty (nothing wrong with chicken nuggets you haters), there are countless examples of where a perceived offence, followed by an extra dose or two of fear, led to a poor outcome.

If you’re interested in learning from my mistakes, read on.

As a brand-new manager, I felt a strong compulsion to be right. This was due to a variety of reasons

• Prove to my hiring manager that he made a good decision
• Prove to myself that I belonged
• A desire to serve, contribute and help others
• A desire to compete and to win

One of the biggest mistakes I made as a first-time manager was not taking the time to meet people where they are and coach / guide them thru their own journey.

“My” focus was on delivering results. Make an impact today, save the fluff for tomorrow, and don’t get lost in the weeds. Ready...fire...aim.

After a few months in the new role, my boss challenged me on the team dynamic. Specifically, how was I “building a trusting & cohesive relationship with each member of my team?”

My immediate response was to become defensive, tighten up, answer the question without answering the specific question he posed, and attempt to subtly re-direct the conversation back to our results. At that time, reconciling his comments thru my own filter was a challenge, as they were inconsistent with how “I” viewed the situation.

 He made statements such as….

“Short term results do not necessarily mean you are succeeding.”

“Your team needs to feel safe and trusted, not scared.”

“A watch-out for you is the culture you are modelling with your team.”

Ouch. And yes, I felt offended. What followed was a period of yours truly wallowing in silence and self-pity.

Self-pity?

My internal narrative had been hijacked by emotion and ego.

Did he not know I was a vastly experienced manager with 3 months experience!?!?

Why was my boss was not rolling out the red carpet for my stellar 3-month performance?

Why was he being difficult?

Did he not know how hard my team and I have been working?

Spot the trend? It was not my fault. The responsibility lay with others.

This was one of many painful and pivotal lessons.

What was behind my behavior?

I was fearful. Fearful of being wrong, fearful of opening up, fearful of the perceived threat, fearful of acknowledging the possibility that I was not doing a perfect job, fearful of not meeting the standards I had set for myself, and fearful of the perceived isolation that may follow. It’s bizarre seeing those words on the screen, but they are all true.

Now, it took some time for me to fully acknowledge, understand and accept that he was right. Fear had driven my initial response to his question, and this same dynamic was likely (negatively) influencing the behavior and attitude of everyone on the team. Failure to address this now, would lead to further downstream problems.

This story is just one example of how fear can be a key driver in our behavior.

We plan to return to this particular topic often, and explore it from a variety of perspectives.

My lessons from this experience include

•  Truly hearing what is being shared. Not just listening to the first few words and then quickly determining it's value or threat level.
• Being grateful when someone cares enough to respectfully challenge you – these people are kind, they are seeking to help, and they care enough about you / your growth to share their perspective. Embrace this, and keep these people close.
• Accepting and acknowledging how fear can make us feel. Learn the specific lesson, apply the specifics as you deem appropriate, and then let go of the feeling. 

If I had a do-over in today' story, I would

• Thank my boss for the challenge, and ask questions to understand his perspective.
• Operate from a place of love, gratitude and openness. Not fear, defensiveness and suspicion.
• Request guidance on how I could do a better job of creating a safe environment.
• Request a mentor to provide specific & ongoing advice / support in this area.
• Have skipped the whole self-pity episode entirely. It’s not my best look, but I own it.

So now what?

For those of you so inclined, consider the following when faced with a situation like the story described above.

• It’s not personal – Hear what is being said, acknowledge, accept and move on
• It’s a perspective – Assume positive intent (even if you feel there is none) as this is the healthier option for you
• Accept this feeling and let it go - Permanently holding onto negative energy or feelings is counterproductive. This does not help you

As always, you choose your response.

If any of the above offended you, you’re welcome.

Best wishes for the week ahead.

Martin & Jerry