When fear becomes Tangible

Dearest reader

Today I came home to find my mom lying on the sofa, looking frail and tired

she was sick !!!

from my earliest memory as a child, I can hardly ever recall my mom falling sick, she was not one to fall sick, she's just always been strong, always been the one to take care of us when we were sick and down with fever or malaria ( mothers are superheroes)

A few years ago, my dad was sick and she was everything from a doctor to a nurse, to a paramedic, you name it. and for jokes, my sister and I fondly call her "practice" of medicine "quackery", short for "quack doctor"

from the way her voice was on the phone as she called me telling me to buy "black soup" leaves sent a chill down my spine, she later called again, " Iyesogie lets just cook rice and vegetable stew, please buy tomatoes, and big Titus ( mackerel ) fish when you are coming, I couldn't go to the market, I'm not feeling so well"

my heart skipped a beat,

I hurriedly started closing up the shop, every joke mama sunny tried to make at this point, made no sense to me

" iyesogie where you dey run go? six never nak oh!!" ( iyesogie? you are closing so soon its not yet six oh) she said, trying to make me laugh

I just give her a wry smile and nodded in affirmation

I rushed into the market scouring and searching for the best fish to buy, and trust oliha market women to have the ugliest and tiniest looking fish, but the price will send you running,

and I don't blame them though, the economy is terrible, although they take advantage of the situation to further hike the price.(NIGERIA TOP TO BOTTUM, if you know you know)

I quickly rush through the market to buy the items, and briskly walked home with one agenda in mind: to cook the food as fast as possible

I got home to find my mom laying on the sofa,

my heart sank..........

I could see fear staring me dead in the eyes, I rushed to touch her neck and feel her temperature just as she would normally do to my sister and i when we were kids.

her body wasn't so hot, but still i was scared.

i didn't sit, i got to my room, grabbed my bonnet, didn't even change my clothes and rushed to the kitchen.

the kitchen was a MESS, curtsey my younger brother

"UNPOPULAR OPINION" ; BOYS ARE LAZY AND MESSY or maybe it's just my brother. i saw noodles from yesterday, laying pretty on the stove top, oil used to fry whatever, splattered everywhere, and dirty plates scattered in every nook and cranny of the kitchen.

Dear God.......... help me........

I started cleaning and also got to cooking, i cooked the rice, fried the meat and fish, and made the stew, ( not to hype myself too much but I am the Nigerian Gordon Ramsey LOL)

I was cooking, and at the same time trying to put my mind at ease, trying to calm myself down and tell myself that its just some "mild" ailment she's having, after all the weather has been quite cold.

but i couldn't just shake off that dreadful feeling of fear,

dearest reader, I wish I could tell you how strong I was, how I battled the cold feeling of fear with Gods word, throwing scriptures at it like a strong Christian that I claimed to be.

… gave in..........., I got scared to the point that I the fear became tangible,

I felt fear clog my throat, and for a moment and I couldn't breathe, I felt it envelope me like a cloak

maybe its because i saw my grandmother stare at me for a while before she breathed her last, and that day i saw how real death can be, or the fact that i just realised that my parents are NORMAL human beings that have the tendency to die.

maybe its because I realised how much I LOVE my mother, and how I hope to make her proud, how its my earnest prayer that she gets to spend my money in the future because right now ya girl is in the TRENCHES.

the holy spirit then reminded me of the scripture that says FOR GOD HAS NOT GIVEN US THE SPIRIT OF FEAR, BUT OF POWER, LOVE AND SOUND MIND, and i recite this scripture to myself over and over again, to calm my troubled heart and to let my heart know that God is in control of everything that concerns me, and so I need not fear.

how I'd love to tell you that I instantly felt peace wash over me, and calm my troubled heart, but its not so dear reader, but i would say that as this point, the fear became less tangible, and I began to feel less scared. so I decide to take my mind off it, and dwell on positive things, of her gettng better, and us having to fight over and again over mundane things, laughing over random things, and all being well with with the world.

and just like that, I felt the FEAR leave just the way it came, and it suddenly occurred to me that when you constantly think upon your fears, you give it more power, and when you fight it with GOD's word, and give it no thought, it goes away.

dearest reader, what do you do when your fears become so real that you can feel like you can touch it?, when it is all that occupies your mind, and you cant seem to get your mind off it, when it scares the crap out of you?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

tell me in the comments section

and just in case you were wondering, my mom is better now, thank you for reading,

from Iyesogie, with LOVE