When family sides with the Narcissist

Have you ever lost family or friends to the Narcissist's charm?

One story that I often hear is how the Narcissist is able to manipulate both their family, and sometimes the partner's family into believing that the 'victim' is the issue.

In this example, the Narcissist may put on a facade or mask around others to charm them - and then make it look as though the victim is actually the problem.

In this article I will refer to 'he' a lot, but of course this can be seen in a gender neutral way.

Your Family Believes the Narcissist

The Narcissist has just spent an hour verbally bashing you, about how you're not a good enough wife or mother. How can you not give him sex when he wants it. You're not affectionate or loving enough. You don't have dinner ready when he comes home. You never dress up or look nice for him. What a terrible wife and mother you are.

Your family, if they like the Narcissist because they are lost in his charm, may hold space and side with the him. It's not the Narcissist who is being too rough, aggressive or demanding - it's that you are being too sensitive, weak and ungrateful.

How can you be so ungrateful for all that he has done? He's doing everything he can to support the family. The least you can do is look after the house, kids and do what he wants you to because he's the man of the house.

You may even try defending yourself and telling your family that you also work long hours, a 9am- 6pm every day. You're also in charge of doing everything around the house, looking after your 8 month old and twin 2 year olds as well as cooking dinner and keeping him entertained. On top of that you're being passive and walking on egg-shells because you're afraid the Narcissist will get angry or aggressive towards you again.

But it's too late. The Narcissist's charm has already wrapped your family around his finger and he can make you out to be the bad guy.

After all, when your family see you together, he always looks well presented and is polite and acts like a good dad. He tells them all about his accomplishments, what he's doing, where he plans on taking you as a family. Whereas you look tired and emotionally and psychologically exhausted.

The Narcissist may also chime to show how much he does by boasting:

"Well I told Sally she should go do yoga once a week."

"Last weekend I took little Billy out for ice cream so Sally could have a break."

"I organised dinner on Thursday night so she wouldn't have to cook."

Well it's not like the Narcissist was lying, but it was that one time that he took Billy out for ice cream because she was trying to nurse the baby so it was hardly a break. And yes he suggested yoga, but knows very well that because he goes out most nights and she has the kids that it would be almost impossible. As for dinner? It was that one time that he organised take-out because he was getting annoyed and impatient that she hadn't started yet.

Your family may even chime in that you should come around more and call them.

He may then chime in with:

"Sally it would be nice if you called your mum sometimes and asked how she is."

"I bet your mum misses you. You know you should see her more."

and then round it off with tactics and words that make you feel bad about not being able to see your parents.

But Sally also knows the truth.

When she gets home that night, her husband is going to scrutinise everything she says or does towards her parents. He may even threaten to take away her 'allowance' that he gives her (because of course all of the money they both earn goes into his account) if she does anything that he doesn't verify first.

Thing is that he doesn't like not being in control. He demands that she is no longer allowed to see her parents without him being present. He doesn't like when she talks to her mum alone in the kitchen. Is she talking about him? What is she saying? From now on, he wants to be present with her everywhere she goes and whatever she does.

Sometimes if you are stuck in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship it can be really difficult to leave when your family become lost in the charm and charisma of the Narcissist.

In earlier times, the man was the head of the household and looked after the family and he was the protector. Especially for older generations, they may also be afraid to stand up to the Narcissist. They may also just see you acting or being difficult, when you are just trying to stand up for yourself under the control of the Narcissist.

The Narcissist may then choose to isolate you from your family, or if they so choose to may declare that the family is moving interstate for a new start. Proclaiming to them that you were onboard with this decision.

Many of these behaviours take the form of domestic violence, and when family begin siding with the narcissist it can be very difficult for them to see his bad side until he does something wrong.

You may find that after you leave the Narcissist, when you recognise the red flags we have spoken about in other articles, that family may be more open to re-engage.

They may be relieved that you have left, that you no longer have the narcissist in your life anymore. They may do everything in their power to now help you. It may surprise you, even the family of the narcissist may offer to help.

However there may be some resentment from family who liked him, and they may tell you that you have let go of something amazing. Perhaps they don't even think that you can do it alone without them, or their money. In a sense, they may have made you so financially co-dependent on them that it may be challenging to get back on your feet.

In some cases not having your family around, it may be worth your while building up your social networks of people that you can reconnect with.

Do you have a story or experience that you would like to share with me, about the Narcissist in your life? Have you had an experience similar to this one that you'd like to share?

Feel free to reach out to me on my website

If you or someone you know find yourself stuck in a situation and you can't leave, or you feel threatened for your life then don't be afraid to call 000.

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