When Empathy Goes Bad
Justin Bariso
Founder & Principal at EQ Applied | Management Thinker & Doer | Emotional Intelligence Student & Teacher | Inc. and TIME Contributor
When people told me, "You know, you're very empathetic," I always considered that solely as a strength.
But over time, my thoughts have changed.
Yes, my empathy helps me to understand and relate to others, but it can also take a heavy toll. When others pour out their hearts to me, I take it all in.
Unable to turn off my feelings, I’m often left feeling emotionally drained.
It turns out, I’m not alone. Research shows that?nurses who work with terminally ill patients run a high risk of developing compassion fatigue, ?a condition of physical and emotional depletion associated with caring for patients in “significant emotional pain and physical distress.” It’s easy for caregivers like these to focus on the needs of their patients at the expense of their own, putting them on a path to burnout.
Technology has also created problems for empathetic persons. For example,?one series of studies ?revealed that people were experiencing high levels of stress due to their use of social media. The problem? As they became aware of friends’ various struggles, like the loss of a loved one or a stay in the hospital, their own stress levels increased.
The problem was that social media allowed these persons to learn about those stressful events more quickly and in close succession to each other.
“While the little sips of information sent through social media may not seem like much, they can add up to a big gulp,” stated researchers. “Awareness of undesirable events in others’ lives generates a cost in terms of increasing psychological stress, and with it, higher risk for the physical and psychological problems that often accompany stress.”
Empathy is a muscle. Used in the right way, it can allow you to “lift” others up and even help carry their burdens.
But like any muscle, it can also become overworked.
The key, then, is to develop emotionally intelligent empathy—empathy that works for you, instead of against you.
Here are a few ways you can exercise your empathy muscle in a way that helps, not harms.
At work
If your job involves being around others much of the day, you may quickly find yourself emotionally exhausted.
To combat this, schedule “buffer time” between meetings or time with others. Take shorter, more frequent breaks that allow you to recharge your emotional batteries.
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At home
Learn to set boundaries, and to communicate those boundaries.
If you feel yourself reaching a limit, let your spouse or family members know that you need some time to yourself. Tell them that you’re looking forward to spending time together, but that mentally and emotionally, you’ll be in a much better place after your alone time.
At play
Recreation should be a way to refresh and recover. But if you’re not careful, it could end up doing the opposite.
If you find yourself especially exhausted after spending time with others, consider changing things up. If a certain friend is draining your energy, it doesn’t mean you have to completely avoid them…You may simply need longer breaks between getting together.
Your empathy muscle can be a major source of strength—but only if you don’t work it to the point of breakdown.
So, work to understand your own emotional needs. Take action to support those needs.
Then, you'll be practicing emotionally intelligent empathy: empathy that works for you, instead of against you.
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Identity Security Expert @ SailPoint
1 年Justin Bariso as always a phenomenal post. I agree 100%. It's something I struggle with, so a helpful reminder for me. Appreciate the easy to consume writing style also. Thank you for the value you bring through your posts and the work you do behind the scenes.
Speaker | Trainer | Consultant for Events, Teams, and Individuals
1 年Nice summary of a common problem with terrific tips to keep our "empathy muscle" healthy. Thank you!
“Welcome to the Accounting department - here, everybody counts” — Detail-oriented professional with over 20 years experience in Customer Service, Hospitality, F&B, and Retail
1 年I appreciated this article immensely - it helped put into words my very abstract thoughts of why the COVID years were a great part of my switching paths from a constantly customer-facing and staff-supporting role to a more internal support position. If I may share just a bit from my experience - Shortly before I transferred, I finally admitted that I really struggled more than I knew with the demands of my own emotions and my own perspectives as we continued to handle the many changes and challenges over that period. I am grateful to work with understanding leaders who supported and assisted me in this transition. It is truly refreshing to know that many more are figuratively marching at the forefront of discussing mental health and emotional intelligence as it pertains specifically to the workforce and our own professional growth. Thank you again for this wonderful article, my friend.
Psychologist, Consultant, two time New York Times Bestselling Author, B-School Lecturer, Keen Observer of the Human Race
1 年I forgot to say--there are two parts of empathy. The first component comes from our instincts to be able to identify and "feel" the emotion of other-like when a parent feels pain when baby is sick. Though sound, facial expressions, body movements, we "catch" the emotion--we call it emotional contagion, animal behaviorist call it "mood infection." The second component is responding which often leads to helping the person problem solve, once the individual feels understood. The danger, especially for parents, is to rush the second component, thus robbing the child/individual the opportunity to work things through. In other words, premature responding inhibits learning. For those who want to learn about empathy, read the work of Carl Rodgers and Sydney Gerard who shows the importance of self-disclosure. Both address psychological safety 50 years before it became trendy. Look forward to your article on how Kerr, Curry and Warriors conducted a Master Class in Resiliency.
Psychologist, Consultant, two time New York Times Bestselling Author, B-School Lecturer, Keen Observer of the Human Race
1 年Yes, empathy can be bad when it causes a person to lose their "psychological boundaries." This happens when emotional contagion becomes extremely strong, and often in co-dependent relationships. A common example is living with a clinically depressed person. Here, too much empathy will cause the person to end up feeling depressed like their partner--disaster follows. A parent empathizes with their son or daughter for not getting into their school of choice; the teen is dejected. Ok-you certainly want to be supportive, respond to their feelings in a meaningful way-BUT if the parent mopes around feeling sorry for their teen-than that is "too" much empathy. In fact, I would not call it too much empathy-it is more complex. Also, people who are "over sensitive" will have a propensity to be too emerged in the feelings of others and thus lose their ability to individualize themselves.