When Do You Let The Frustration Win?
As I dropped the tiny screw for the third time, and began the climb down the step ladder to search for it once again, some swearing may have escaped my lips. I was frustrated and getting more frustrated by the moment.
At this point, based on my past experience, this could go one of two ways. I will either maintain my cool and finish the job, or I will throw my tools down in disgust, muttering “f*** this” and stomp off in a tantrum. I've done that plenty of times before.
What will determine whether I take a breath and carry on, or whether I allow my tantrum to win?
It’s my self-talk.?
The more I talk in terms of how frustrated I am, how annoying the screw is, how incompetent my hands are, how stupid the design of the curtain rail is, how this should be a quick and easy job… the more I talk myself into frustration.
It’s like I am mentally preparing myself to walk away. I'm ready to throw my toys out of the pram.
If you were to ask me what I actually want at that moment, I would answer “I want to finish putting the screws in and get the curtain rail up”.
Yet my self-talk seems designed to have the opposite effect. It’s like I'm talking myself into a state of frustrated anticipation - making sure that I will feel even more frustrated if I drop the screw again. I'm almost daring it to happen.
It's stressful. Yet it feels like I am deliberately talking myself into more stress.
Common Frustration Phrases:
“So annoying”
“Aaarrrgghh”
“Here we go again”
“For f***s sake”
"I've had it up to here!"
"Not this again!"
"I can't believe this!"
"This is the last thing I need right now."
"Why is this so hard?"
What are your frustrations phrases?
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When you hear these words leaving your mouth, or simply sitting in your mind, they can act as a warning that frustration is becoming an issue, and that you are losing your patience with something.
The conversation in my head is usually something like “if this happens one more time…” or “if he says that again, I’m out”.
When I am saying that to myself, I feel that I'm getting ready to do something that I know isn’t helpful or adult, so my subconscious tries to justify it by building up the frustration levels. That way, I can blame it on the screw, or the stupid design, or the annoying boss or the waiting time, or the unreasonable request.
Where Are You Primed For Frustration?
There are certain circumstances where I haven't even started and I'm already several notches of stress higher, such as filling in anything on the HMRC website. To counter this, I have to self-soothe constantly "Keep calm. It will all be over soon. Just keep answering all of the authorisation questions. Just fifteen minutes and you'll be done..." and so on.
I used to have the same feeling of frustration when driving, and would actively look for opportunities to use my car horn to release my 'road rage'. Now, instead, I look forward to it as calm time to listen to podcasts.
Where do you find yourself already in a state of frustration, talking yourself more and more into it?
Stepping Into Adult Mode
So what actually happened with the dropped screw??
I took a moment and had a quiet word with myself. I spotted that I was frustration-spiralling and laughed at myself.
Once I saw how ridiculous I was being, I was able to tell myself that I just needed to slow down, take a bit more care and expect these things to happen. It was just a screw that I’d dropped a few times. No harm done. I took a long slow breath out and let go of the frustration.
The key is, when possible, to step out of any child-like responses and step into more adult responses.
Ask yourself: "In 20 minutes time am I going to regret letting the frustration win? What would I be proud of instead?"
It sounds simple, but it's taken me a long time and I'm still not perfect at doing this. Afterwards, it feels fantastically smug and grown up. But at the time, it feels almost wrong not to let the tantrum play out.
How would the more adult version of you like to respond instead?
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