When Divorce Becomes a Necessity: Self-Preservation or Self-Actualization?"

Mohammed Ahmed Ademola

Introduction

Divorce is a profoundly life-altering decision, often perceived as a failure but increasingly recognized as a pathway to self-preservation or self-actualization. While the process is complex and challenging, it can also be transformative, depending on the circumstances and motivations behind the decision. This article examines the intricate interplay of religion, culture, law, education, gender, and other moderating variables that influence divorce. By reflecting on global trends and statistics, we can better understand how divorce serves as a means to reclaim autonomy, preserve mental health, or achieve personal growth.

?Divorce as Self-Preservation

At times, divorce becomes the only viable path when an individual’s physical, emotional, or psychological well-being is at stake. For these individuals, leaving the marriage is not an act of failure but a necessary step toward survival and healing.

To begin with, divorce often emerges as a necessity in the context of abuse, neglect, or toxic relationships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline underscores that victims of domestic abuse frequently feel psychologically trapped and view divorce as their sole means of reclaiming safety and dignity. In such scenarios, divorce is not simply a choice but a lifeline, enabling individuals to prioritize their health and security.

Moreover, religion and cultural norms significantly shape attitudes toward divorce. While some teachings, such as those in Islam, permit divorce, they often emphasize reconciliation first: (Quran 4:35). This approach underscores the value of resolving conflicts but can inadvertently prolong harmful situations where leaving the marriage is crucial for self-preservation. Furthermore, Christian teachings on marriage emphasize its permanence, with divorce seen as permissible only in cases of infidelity or abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). This view underscores the belief that reconciliation and forgiveness should be pursued instead of divorce, often considering divorce a failure. Additionally, the doctrine of submission (Ephesians 5:22) can complicate divorce for women, as it suggests wives should submit to their husbands, which may discourage them from leaving even in abusive relationships. Women may feel morally obligated to stay in harmful marriages, fearing that divorce would violate God's will, particularly in patriarchal societies where they lack financial or social autonomy. The fear of spiritual and social repercussions further isolates them.

For men, the Christian doctrine of monogamy can create pressure to remain faithful, but the prohibition on divorce may contribute to infidelity when emotional or relational needs are unmet. This disconnect between marital duty and personal fulfillment can lead to guilt and ongoing dissatisfaction. While Christian values of lifelong marriage, reconciliation, and forgiveness are noble, they must be balanced with the need for personal well-being. Churches can help by providing counseling and resources to support individuals in harmful relationships, enabling them to make informed decisions that prioritize both faith and mental health. Similarly, in culturally conservative societies, the fear of ostracism can discourage individuals from pursuing divorce, even when their well-being is at risk, thereby trapping them in environments of unhappiness or harm.

Adding to these challenges, legal frameworks can either facilitate or hinder the ability to seek divorce for self-preservation. For instance, in patriarchal societies where Sharia law is practiced, women may face significant barriers, such as proving harm or obtaining their spouse’s consent before initiating a divorce. These legal obstacles can delay necessary action, further exacerbating harm and suffering for those who are already vulnerable.

Divorce as Self-Actualization

While some divorces are fundamentally about survival, others pave the way for personal growth and fulfillment. In these cases, divorce is not merely an escape but a stepping stone toward achieving one’s highest potential, aligning with Abraham Maslow’s concept of self-actualization.

For starters, divorce offers individuals a unique opportunity to rediscover themselves. Free from the constraints of an unhappy or unfulfilling marriage, many people find the space to reflect on their needs, values, and goals. This period of self-discovery can act as a catalyst for personal transformation, allowing individuals to redefine their identities and chart a new path forward.

Additionally, education often plays a pivotal role in facilitating this journey of self-actualization. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, individuals with college degrees are better equipped to navigate divorce and rebuild their lives effectively. Higher education fosters financial independence, critical thinking, and emotional resilience, all of which are essential for thriving in the aftermath of divorce.

Furthermore, for women, divorce can serve as a powerful act of breaking free from societal expectations and reclaiming autonomy. Globally, women initiate approximately 70% of divorces, a trend attributed to increasing financial independence and a refusal to remain in unfulfilling marriages. In such cases, divorce represents not just an end but a new beginning—a chance to redefine one’s identity and pursue a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

Conclusion

Whether pursued for self-preservation or self-actualization, divorce is never an easy decision. The journey demands emotional strength, legal knowledge, and a robust support system. Counselling, financial planning, and spiritual guidance can play vital roles in easing the transition, allowing individuals to rebuild their lives with dignity and purpose.

Divorce can be both a lifeline for survival and a bridge to self-discovery. When approached thoughtfully and with clarity, it becomes a courageous step toward prioritizing well-being and achieving personal growth. By addressing the societal, legal, and cultural barriers that complicate divorce, we can foster an environment where individuals feel empowered to make decisions that align with their values and aspirations.

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Call to Action:

If you are contemplating divorce, take time to reflect on whether it is an act of self-preservation or self-actualization for you. Seek professional guidance, connect with supportive networks, and remember that prioritizing your well-being is an act of courage and self-respect.

About the Author: Mohammed Ahmed Ademola

Mohammed Ahmed Ademola (a.k.a. MentorMoh) is a seasoned clinical psychologist who applies the principles of positive psychology to support recovery, rediscovery, and the flourishing of human potential.

He is the CEO of BlakMoh Consulting, a human capital consulting agency dedicated to fostering learning and optimal well-being for individuals and groups. He is also the founder of The BlakMoh Wellbeing Foundation, a not-for-profit initiative focused on mental health, climate change, cancer support initiatives and education, with keen emphasis on promoting mental strength among men in society.

In addition, Mohammed champions The Helping Tribe, a hybrid support community for therapists and professionals in the helping field. This community provides a safe space to discuss challenges, share insights, and bridge the gap between theory and practice, all while nurturing excellence in the profession.

#divorceandmentalhealth #selfpreservation #selfactualization #emotionalresilience #therapyinnigeria #counsellinginnigeria #mentormoh #blakmohconsulting #the_wellbeing_station

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